The Prenatal Journey of Chloe Renee Devenish

With Chloe's 5th Birthday coming up in just "6 sleeps", I've been marvelling at how fast time has flown, and I realised that although I've never been shy about telling people bits about my pregnancy and birth, I have never taken the time to write out my version of it all for Chloe to read one day... (no... "Choe's" letter about her birth was NOT written by me, it was Steve!!!). So here goes....

Chloe was a very very very wanted baby. For months and months I had been trying to fall pregnant with no success, been through the tears as each cycle the test was negative, and eventually after having tests run which revealed my hormones were crazy... I was told I would need to start fertility treatments as my cycles were not normal (I was told I had PCOS). So I was given the prescription, and waited for my period so I could start the treatment. About a week after my period was due (well... roughly... I could go anything from 4 to 8 weeks between periods!) I found out my brother's wife was due with their 2nd little baby, and I realised... haha if I had fallen pregnant we would be due the EXACT same day!! And then it's hard to explain but I just KNEW that I was pregnant. So I went back to the gynaecologist and said I hadn't had my period yet and suspected I was pregnant (and therefore it'd be dangerous to take the meds) and he ordered a blood test to play it safe. Blood test results came back and YAY there was a baby!!!!! There is no way I could possibly put into words the joy we both felt!

One night about 6-7 weeks into the pregnancy I felt this strong sense that something wasn't right. I wasn't in pain exactly, but I just felt uncomfortable and "stretched" and felt this urgent sense of something not being right. We drove to emergency, waited around for a few hours in which they did another pregnancy test to be sure, told me it's probably normal but to go and see my gynaecologist to organise a scan just in case. A couple of days later Linda and Azz came up to stay with us for the week - Steve had to work still but we were about to head into the city for the day when I started bleeding heavily. I was sure immediately that I must be miscarrying, called Steve to ask him to come home and take me to hospital, and told Linda and Azz that I wasn't coming to the city with them. They insisted on taking me to the hospital themselves, and there I went through the rigmarole of not being allowed food or fluids, sitting around waiting for hours, having to change pads constantly as the bleeding was ridiculous, and having a doctor with tremors unsuccessfully attempt to insert an IV (rolls eyes). Eventually they had a scan lined up for me and in we went. I've never seen anything like what we saw that day. My uterus looked like a war zone with dark patches of blood taking up most of the space - but somehow, against all odds, tucked up in the corner away from the danger, was this teeny tiny little embryo!!! And it even moved!! (Although devastatingly I missed that!). The staff sent me home to rest and I was to see the specialist during the week to organise another scan to ascertain what might be happening.
A week or so later I caught the bus from Ryde into Bondi Junction for my scan (2hr trip involving 2 buses). The scan was uncomfortable, and typically the sonographer refused to tell me anything. However, for the first time I saw my baby's heart beating, and I saw my baby doing some completely uncoordinated moving and the rush of WOWness was incredible and omg I fell in love on the spot! On the way home, about 20min from home, I realised to my horror that I had suddenly started bleeding again (not ideal when you're on a bus with no pads!!!). I had no choice but to hope it didn't soak through too quickly, (fortunately it didn't while on the bus), but on the 5min walk home I ended up soaked in blood and in a lot of pain with cramping. I went to the bathroom to clean up and during this time out came a big clump and sobbing I wrapped it up in tissues and called Steve to let him know we had lost our baby this time. He came straight home and took me to emergency. While in emergency the doctor took my baby to examine, and came back to ask me whether that blood clot was all I had. Oh the relief that that massive thing was a blood clot!! (I didn't know till that moment you could get blood clots that size lol). Again I was sent home to rest and follow up with the gyno.
The gyno was not 100% sure about why the bleeding was occurring but suspected that a major blood vessel had possibly been ruptured during implantation, and that this bleeding was likely to continue until around the 20 week mark. He said it was my decision to make, but that the travel involved in my uni studies was highly likely to lead to miscarriage and I really should be on bed rest until 20 weeks. I picked bed rest!!!
There were 2 more major bleeds in the following weeks, 1 very embarrassingly being at a major shopping centre, and so heavy that my clothes were soaked within 30seconds of it starting. However, I made it to the 20 week mark and the bleeding stopped and other than low iron and a GREY complexion due to having lost too much blood (see photo) I started to experience a "normal" pregnancy, complete with bizarre cravings (I was caught licking a wooden chair to see if it tasted as good as it smelled) and big aversions (I couldn't look at a whole lettuce).

The rest of the pregnancy proceeded with no dramas, and we had so much fun organising baby clothes and furniture, going to the birth and parenting classes etc. At 18 weeks we found out our baby was a little girl and we loved being able to refer to her by her real name from that point on - after thinking we had lost her so many times it was amazing to be able to give her a name and know everything was ok!!!

Somewhere around the 34-35 week mark I had some extremely painful contractions out of the blue that were severe enough that I couldn't walk or talk for a few minutes. However they stopped, and the midwife said they were probably just braxton hicks and a good sign, so we thought nothing more of it.

At 36 weeks (14th Oct) Steve and I went along to his work mate's BBQ on a Sat night. I knew no-one there and had that awkward experience of trying to make conversation with complete strangers (not a favourite past time for me). Just as they started cooking the meat I had this sudden feeling that I was leaking - thinking maybe I had lost bladder control as I had heard rumours that that can happen if you are lazy like me and don't bother with your exercises I rushed to the toilet. However, I kept leaking and leaking and realised omg my waters have broken!!!! I put my head out the door and called Steve until finally someone heard me and sent him over. We called the hospital absolutely lost as to what we were supposed to do, and they told us to come in immediately. So... I had to borrow a towel and waddle out of there holding it between my legs (at least I was wearing a skirt I guess lol).

At the hospital they monitored me etc, but I only had very mild contractions which were lessening so labour was not happening. On top of that Chloe wasn't even engaged (cheeky girl!!) which meant a high risk of prolapsed cord (life threatening for our bub) until she engaged. The hospital had a policy based on the most recent research that suggested that women whose waters had broken could be left to hopefully go into natural labour for up to 4 days before the risk of infection increases... so I spent 2 days lying around in hospital waiting (and nothing) at which Chloe decided it was time to engage... and then 2 days of nothing at home!!! (However it gave us time to organise a carseat!!). And the whole 4 days I was leaking water!!!!

18th October found us on our way to hospital for induction - me with a teeny shrunken belly due to having very little water left, and a lot of paranoia about having a seat belt over a now non-insulated belly! But we got there safely and sat in the waiting room watching all the booked in c-sections go in, followed by another induction etc etc. We had to get there at 7 and by 9:30 we were over it and were given permission to head off for morning tea. During this time I was feeling rather unwell, which I put down to a mixture of nerves and the excessively hot thai green curry from the night before (Steve put ALL the paste in not the standard couple of tbsns lol). But then I started to have cramping that was regular with breaks... and realised... ahhhhh.... labour?

We headed back to the waiting room and Steve informed reception. The pain increased very quickly, and was so predictable that Steve thought he would entertain the others in the waiting room by doing a 5-4-3-2-1 count down to each contraction... I didn't find it so funny!!! The contractions meant more water leakage so I was alternating between leaning on Steve's knees and running to the toilet. The pain started to increase more, and was in my back and no matter what position I was in I could not find relief from the pain. It was quite horrible because I was in so much pain, but surrounded by people waiting for inductions etc so felt I had to keep it together. Steve kept going back to the desk but no-one came and checked on me or anything. Steve managed to get a heat pack for me which I used to try to alleviate the back pain - it helped a little but not enough. Eventually somewhere between 12 and 1, after other patients started to become concerned, a midwife tracked down a contraction reader machine and hooked me up to it. After I had been on it for a bit, they came back and checked the readings and decided they better get me a room because I really was legitimately in labour! (I could've flippin told them!!).

I immediately set myself up on the toilet because I just wanted to sit down and focus without worrying about my waters leaking everywhere! The pain was fast becoming excrutiating, and I was struggling to cope as I was not getting much of a break between contractions. The nurse organised the gas for me which I welcomed gratefully... only to hand back after a few goes as now I was not only in pain but I felt like I was going to vomit and I was dizzy!!! The nausea really took the edge off my focus as I was now trying to deal with back pain, front pain and trying not to vomit. A new midwife came in and shifted me to the bed. The next 3-4 hours passed in an intense cycle of 3 minute contraction followed by 1 minute break. I could not find a way of getting comfortable because if I found a position that helped with the back pain the front would be worse and vice versa. Steve was not able to leave my side for even a moment as I NEEDED his hands and support for every second. I will NEVER forget the awful feeling of dread as 3min of pain would end, and within 20 seconds I knew the next wave was only moments away. The midwives marvelled at my contraction readings as I was having "double contractions" due to the posterior position of my bub - 1min of maximum strength, 1min of slightly reduced, 1min of maximum strength and 1 min of rest. Somewhere around 3 I felt the urge to push with each contraction, to the point where I simply could not help it, I HAD to push. The midwife realised and checked to see if I was fully dilated - nope, only 4cm apparently so please don't push!! Now I was really struggling as all my energy went into NOT pushing leaving me with no reserves to deal with the pain. Desperate I asked for an epidural. Time passed and I asked where my epidural was - "Oh, you definitely want one, I'll go order it". Midwife returned and told me 20min. It was then 3:10, so I thought beauty, I only have to get to 3:30. At 4:10 I really cracked it and told the nurse that she said 20 min and it was now AN HOUR!!!! Not too long after the anaesthetist came and gave his long speech about the risks (meantime I'm thinking SHUT UP AND GET THE FLIPPIN THING IN THERE!!!) and finally they hooked me up.

I was finally able to think, Steve was finally allowed a lunch break... but the pain was still there but alternating sides. The midwife tried angling me from side to side for a time, but still no relief, the pain was still there. She had to organise for the anaesthetist to come back... she wasn't in the room when he came so he felt comfortable in telling me that I was obviously already dilated when given the epidural and the midwife mustn't have checked properly (in hindsight I realised that I had been on the bed for several hours without a visit to the loo, probably having a full bladder had been the problem coz baby can't descend!).

So midwife came back and organised for a doctor to come in (who brought a student in to observe). As I began to push Chloe's heart started dropping and the doctor became concerned that (being a first time mum) a long delivery could be dangerous and so was organising to have the suction there just in case... that was all the encouragement I needed, 4 contractions and I had pushed that baby out - I felt NOTHING (ahhhhh the epidural!!!)... until the next day (bad tear AND it was a dry birth due to my waters having been leaking for 4 days prior so lots of grazing).

They pulled my lil bub up onto my hip (she promptly wee'd on me) and then stuck her in my arms. Chloe did not cry or move, just gazed up at me silently with her HUGE eyes and I gazed back at her and I must say that I became an instant believer in love at first sight. The nurse gave her chest a little rub to remind her that she should probably consider taking her first breathe, and without any fuss she obliged. SOOOO her to come quietly into the world without any fuss, just taking it all in and absorbing!!! And THAT is all I remember, anything after that is a blur because all my focus and attention was on her! But I can give you some stats - she was 2.73kg, 46cm and the sweetest lil thing I'd ever seen!

I am going to raise my children to be "UnAustralian"

Nope - no typo there, in all seriousness, I am going to raise my children to be "UnAustralian".

I don't want my children to become what many Australians are - racist, unempathetic and spoiled.

We live in a blessed country, but although there are cultural differences, financial differences, "colour differences" and huge differences in opportunities between Australia and other countries - we are made of the same flesh and blood and bones as every other human on this planet. It isn't like there is an "Australian" DNA and a "Japanese" DNA - we are all mixed up all over the world. And I do not want my children to develop the mindset of "I am Australian and they are not so I have superior rights".

The "group membership" thing is a widespread mentality that all humans share - which does usually lead to group rivalry and prejudice etc. But to the best of my ability I want to bring my children up differently.

My children live in Australia and were born in Australia and have the right to access opportunities in Australia. But I will never label them "Australian" because they are so much more - they are part of the human race. My children technically have white skin, but I will never label them "white" because that would be just as weird as if I taught them to categorise their group membership by "blue eyed" - it's just what they look like, not who they are. I will teach my kids that although they were fortunate to be born here, that there is plenty to share, and that giving others who were not fortunate to be born here the same opportunities is not a threat but actually a positive sign that we live in a good country. I will teach them that giving to the less fortunate in ALL parts of the world is a good thing because they are human just like us - why should we "only" look after Australians... why should a place of birth limit our generosity and our compassion for others.

I will never teach my childrent to discriminate against others on any basis - that even as Christians we do not need to fear that which is foreign to our beliefs - Jesus hung out with the SAMARITANS, the LEPERS - with those who were NOT accepted. So although I never plan on wearing a durqua, or denying my own faith etc - I do not need to discriminate against those who are different to me because we may be members of "subgroups" but ultimately - we are all humans.

I hope my children become as "UnAustralian" as I am - or more so!!! Because frankly, the general attitude of most Australians towards other nationalities disgusts me and if that is what the Australian identity is built on... count me out!!!

trafficking

We all remember the tragedy and horror of Madeleine McCann. A tiny beautiful 4 year old girl taken away from her parents and all she knew... to goodness knows what!
Many of us have also seen the movie "Taken", and been horrified by the whole concept.
I look at my little 4 year old, and cannot imagine her distress if she were separated from me, let alone her distress if she was subjected to rape after rape after rape...

And yet many of us are somehow unaware of the fact that Anywhere from 700,000 and 4 million women and children are trafficked for the purpose of sex and sexual exploitation every YEAR!!!! These children can be as young as THREE!!!! It isn't some hidden, underground, small problem - it is a multi-billion dollar industry rated as the third most profitable business for organised crime!
Trafficked victims are NOT there by choice, and they cannot just walk out and leave.
We are not immune to human trafficking here in Australia either - there have been 2 confirmed cases of minors (12 year olds) from Thailand being brought into Australia and forced to work in brothels - no prosecution of the traffickers ever occurred?! How wide spread the trafficking of minors is here is unknown, and how widespread the trafficking of other older women here is, is again unknown.
It really disturbs me that this is happening in the world without much of an outcry of indignation at all. We are silent. How is it that some of the number one tourist destinations for Australians can get away with doing so little about this problem?!! It isn't hard for tourists (yes - tourists, it is the western world that has the money) to find these child brothels - so it isn't hard for the authorities to find them either.

There has been a huge reaction this week to the discovery that cows were being cruelly abused before killed in abattoires in Indonesia... HUGE reaction... and I agree, NO living creature should be put through pain and suffering for the sake of someone else's pleasure... but why are Australians prepared to react with outrage over an hour of suffering for a cow, but not prepared to react with outrage over day after day after day after day after year after year of the suffering of women and children in brothels in south east asia and other countries????? We are way too complacent.

It doesn't help either that the media are silent?! I don't understand why?????? Unless it is the fact that it is just too disturbing a story to run?? Because where the suffering of the cows is distressing, I have to say even just the drawn pictures I have seen from children who are in therapy for what they've been through were enough to make my blood turn cold and feel nauseaus.

Anyway, I'VE had enough!!!!! I have been slowly and steadily working my way through a psychology degree, hoping to specialise in trauma, so that maybe I can in time be of some use to the various programs worldwide that are helping rehabilitate some of the rescued women and children. But it isn't enough to me to end up just treating the after effects!! So... I've decided to write to Kevin Rudd (seeming as he's our foreign minister) to find out what we as Australians can do to put pressure on our government to put pressure on some of these countries to do more to stop that trade. And if I hear back from him, I will do whatever it is suggested, even if it means doorknocking every home in Australia for a petition - I will make sure it is done because this is just so wrong, and our Aussie tourist dollars are so vital to these countries - surely we have a pretty strong influence!!!

To finish off I want to add some ways YOU can help. In case you don't want to be complacent either! And when you look through the ideas, remember that one of the key tricks of complacency is to think, I'll do this sometime... but never actually remember to get around to it!!!!

The BODY SHOP are getting involved in the fight WOOT WOOT... they have a petition and there is also a product that when bought, profits go towards supporting trafficking victims... here's their page about it all...
http://www.thebodyshop.com/_en/_ww/values-campaigns/trafficking.aspx

Then there is connecting hands - an organisation who's pure focus is on supporting victims of sex trafficking in Cambodia... there are plenty of ways you can get involved there, here's there website...
http://www.connectinghands.com.au/main/page_home.html

When I hear back from our foreign minister, if there is a way people can be involved... I will definitely let you all know!!!

Also - do some research!!! The best thing you can do is to educate yourself and others around you about what is happening!!

Finally, if you live in the area, in a few months I will be holding a fundraiser where all profits raised will go to connecting hands (and connecting hands is volunteer run, so all profits go straight overseas!)

feminism

Inspired by my uni readings about sexism recently, I’ve been reading a lot more of the ‘feminist’ work out there to see what the ‘modern’ take on it all is. Some of what is happening out there is amazing, I found it truly inspiring to realise that some of my deepest hates (such as the way that “sex sells” is considered as reasonable justification for the constant slutty images of women in advertising, despite the fact that it is actually selling the concept that to be something as a woman you have to be sexually promiscuous and in some ways a pawn/porn in the hands of men) are being fought by feminists – especially as the impression I’d always got from the media was that feminists were BEHIND the idea!!! There are so many amazing things that feminists are doing that I couldn’t list them all, but I have to say that they are truly inspiring!!!
However, some of what I have read also... well ANNOYED me lol. I do strongly believe that no person should be FORCED to fit a stereotype. If someone deviates from the ‘norm’ – that should be ok!!! Not everyone is going to be a carbon copy of our expectations!! However, I found some of the things I read about ‘femininity’ off-putting. There was some stuff out there that seemed to be suggesting that in order for feminism to succeed, women shouldn’t wear pink, shouldn’t be into ‘girly’ things, shouldn’t love fairytales etc etc... because (if I understood the article I read correctly) by conforming to that image we conform to the concept that we are the ‘weak’ sex (ok, so major paraphrasing here coz I’m too lazy to reread and get my wording correct).

They might very well be right, I’ve not read studies on it, or done any research into it. But if that’s the case, I’m so disappointed, because I feel like in the end, we lose again – we have to sell ourselves out and conform to a different concept of women in order to succeed.

I LOVE being a woman. I LOVE dressing up, getting my hair done, watching girly princess movies, LOVE tutus and sparkles and glitter and pink and flowers and pretty smells... I’ve outgrown most of those myself, but I love watching my girls’ faces light up when they get their hands on those things and I LOVE seeing them looking so eatable!! I LOVE bubble baths, and pampering myself, and nail polish, and gossip, and chatting for hours with friends. I LOVE being feminine!!! I love the concept of being romanced and seduced and cared for... I find for myself (and I suspect for many other women), that my femininity is tied up to my sexuality... if you took away my right to be feminine and feel truly beautiful.... well sexuality loses its appeal. I feel that femininity actually expresses something that is a part of me – as a wife and a mother I do consider one of my roles in life is that of a nurturer. Not my only role, but one of my favourites, and the one that I am most proud of. I feel that soft colours don’t express a weakness – it simply expresses something that I am proud of!!

The idea that to become a successful woman I would have to give up those things... well it just doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t consider those things as “weak”. I can’t help feeling that by allowing “sexism” to define them as weak... is letting it win!! I would much rather see a definition/perception change take place!!

Why can’t I love all those things, be all those things.... and still be successful??? If people out there really do consider all of those things as “weak”, then why can’t my success, my girls’ success, and the success of many other women out there prove them wrong??? I don’t want to lose my femininity to be successful. I want to be a successful feminine woman!!! I truly believe you can wear pink and still be as successful in life as a man!! I want my girls to feel confident in their right to express their femininity and not be condescended to or looked down upon because of it!!!!!!!

I truly believe my girls can be as girly as they want without it discrediting their intelligence, their strength, their abilities, their potential. I believe it is their right! Obviously if they express a dislike for any of those girly things, I would never force it on them either!!!!!! I just believe that it is their right to choose, and that their choice should not be permitted to limit their options in life in any area.

Anyway... I just find this blog space is a handy spot for trying to get my own head around my musings... and these were today’s!

sexism

Up until yesterday I would have said that I have never really been discriminated against, or exposed to sexism. Sexual harrassment - yes, stupid sexist jokes that were designed to sound sexist to annoy me - yes, but sexism itself... no!

My husband and I are equals in our relationship - different, but equal. When he is home he helps me with housework, and there are no tasks that he refuses to do (although we do tend to delegate tasks according to our strengths which do have a tendency towards traditional gender roles... anything fiddly such as handyman stuff and chopping vegetables nicely he does because I have no fine motor skills, anything involving bad smells such as bins, dirty nappies and vomiting kids he does because he has a strong stomach, and he does the lawns because he is physically stronger than me). I have never been denied opportunities based on my gender in my education or in my workplace.

But... yesterday when reading my uni readings on sexism I suddenly realised that I HAVE been exposed to sexism in my life, but it was so subtle that I had never noticed it!!!

One of the aspects of sexism that often goes unnoticed is... stereotyping.

Now I'm not going so far to say it is discrimination to have a "general" stereotype of males and females... the reality is that men do have higher levels of testosterone, women have higher levels of oestrogen... and hormones do effect behaviour! But... when we frown upon behaviour that does NOT fit into our stereotype of a man or a woman, that is the point where it does cross into sexism!

Women tend to be viewed as emotional, empathetic, warm, caring and relational. All good qualities to have, and there is nothing wrong with being all those things! But... what about women that do not tick all those boxes???

I have always been very firm in my beliefs and opinions - not stupidly, I have always had a logic and thought process behind them... yet I have always found that when I express them with such conviction that the vast majority of people do not react well and are intimidated by this. I have been told that I should express them differently or even keep them to myself, and felt a very strong sense of that being a bad quality that I have. The thing is that yesterday I realised that I have seen this same quality in plenty of guys out there, but in them it is considered acceptable, and I suspect that it all comes down to stereotypes. Guys are seen to be 'leaders' and are not expected to show the same delicacy as women to people's feelings... they are permitted by our society to be relatively blunt and argue their beliefs... whereas for women it is not looked as favourably upon. Not intentionally - but a prejudice there exists!

Another thing I have always felt strange about myself is that where most women hear some trouble that another person is going through and have that want to be there for them, and be caring and compassionate and hug them... and well stuff along those lines... I don't feel that way at all!!! It isn't that I don't care, it is just that I am able to stay objective and not get caught up in someone else's pain, and focus more on what changes could be made to minimise the impact of that situation... another typical 'male' stereotype trait.

Anyway, I found it a fascinating concept!!! I have always been aware that although I still have plenty in common with other women, that I have never felt completely the same, I think slightly differently, I speak more directly than many other women... I'm not any less of a woman than other women, I just am not 'stereotypically' conformed to the woman concept! And as a result I have had subtle pressure put on me to conform a bit more - which I can't because who I am is so deeply ingrained that I cannot conform! And those very aspects of me that can upset some people, are the very aspects that will help me to excel in my career in time!!!

This is not just a rant about "female" sexism, because I have seen the same things happen to males - if a guy is too talkative, too sensitive etc etc he is automatically labelled 'gay' because he doesn't fit the 'typical male stereotype'. Sexual orientation and stereotypicalness are not the same thing!

A quote from my text book that isn't quite 100% related, but too good to exclude...

"People may need to stigmatise groups that have different world views from their own, because if they did not degrade and discredit outgroups in this way then the frail sense of certainty in, and controllability over, life that they gain from their own world view would be shattered."

Body image

Today I was thinking about how much my daughter loves her barbie dolls, and how some mothers actually feel that Barbie dolls contribute to poor body image, and it started me contemplating what the key factors that have contributed to my body image are....

I came to the conclusion that I have never looked at a barbie and wished I looked like her, and wanted to lose weight or anything like that... she was always just a doll to me, just the same as I never looked at my teddy and wished I was furry, or looked at my baby dolls and wished I was a baby again. Yes, I used her to act out my imaginings of being a grown up, but to be honest, she just never seemed to fit what I really pictured REAL LIFE to be, she didn't REALLY seem like a mum, or someone who would really get married etc... she was IMAGINARY to me... so never made it as someone I ever planned to model myself on.

So where did my insecurities in my body image come from?

The first time I remember even being conscious of my body was when I was in my first year of school... so 5... and an older boy in the playground taunted me that I was fat. I honestly believed him and felt heartbroken and a strong sense of shame about being fat. I told my parents that I was fat, but it didn't matter how many times they told me that the boy was wrong, and that I was not fat, my inner conviction that I WAS fat could not be altered. Looking back on photos I can easily see that I WAS NOT AT ALL fat, and that this boy probably just liked to say silly things to other kids... but at the time, the damage was done because a child does not have the cognitive ability to process things like that!! This is me in my first year of school...

Yeah, really fat huh?? Anyway, the next memory I have regarding body image is more to do with eating, which obviously is closely linked with body image...
Each year my parents would travel back to Melbourne (we were living in Perth back then) for a conference, and John and I would stay with different families for that week. I had a food intolerance to wheat, particularly wholegrain wheat, which at the time we didn't know was an intolerance, but my parents knew that I did not eat any bread other than white, and that was ok. The family I stayed with (a beautiful family) felt differently and expected me to eat the same food as their kids. So each day for the week I would be sent to school with a wholegrain bread sandwich, which I would throw in the bin. I would come home ravenous, and eat lots for dinner. One of those days (I was maybe 9?) I overheard a conversation with the oldest sister who was a teenager and who I looked up to very much, which went something along the lines of "when is she leaving? She eats too much". And there developed an instant phobia about eating too much food in front of people...

By the time I hit high school I was already obsessed with weight. I grew about 12cm in my first year of high school, but despite that growth kept a constant eye on my weight because I wanted to keep it down to 45kg. I skipped breakfast regularly, threw my lunch in the bin regularly (although this was not all body image related, I was not aware until I was 20 that I had food intolerances, and the sick feeling eating often gave me meant I was not keen on eating during the day), but still gained weight, and was very upset to hit 50kg and not be able to make that number go back down. In my mind, I was not thin enough, and even though I earned myself the nickname at school "anorexic giraffe" all that did was make me more paranoid about eating in front of others, and very paranoid about my height, and more ashamed of my body image. It did not stop me from dieting. (I should mention here that I was NOT anorexic - I would quite happily come home from school and consume half the pantry and for a couple of years ate more at dinner than anyone else... I was going through a massive growth stage!!!)

At no point in any of these times do I remember comparing myself to tv stars, magazines, barbie dolls or even other girls in my class... I just remember being self-conscious and awkward!

Anyway, as I grew older the obsession became a little less intense... I became a little more comfortable in my own skin, and after a boy I was sort of dating told me I was too skinny and needed more curves I actually reversed my eating and started putting weight on (to my mother's horror as she would see me piling cream into my milos)... so obviously still didn't have a great body image lol.

As I hit my 20s my body image discovered a new "hurdle"... boob size. This is the first time in my life I actually remember looking at magazines, tv stars and other people and feeling bad about the way I looked... not because of my weight (I was actually extremely happy with my weight by then thanks to my stomach problems causing major weight loss) but now because I was not "sexy" enough. I started to wonder how long it would take me to save up for a boob job, and even did some research on it all. It felt like everywhere I looked there were girls who were prettier, sexier, bigger, more tanned, better hair... just plain better than me. Knowing that these girls have been photoshopped, enhanced etc etc did not make a difference. For the first time in my life I had an intense desire to look like THEM.

Anyway, this obsession lasted a long time, and ended with my first pregnancy. I got to experience bigger boobs and decided I would rather not have those to deal with anymore!!! And even though for days after I had my Chloe I cried because I was convinced I would never look good again, once I started to heal up I actually felt the most comfortable I ever had with the way I looked. I was aware that I had post-baby weight to lose, but the awareness that that was NORMAL made me feel so at ease.

So now where am I at with body image... I will admit I still don't have a perfect body image. I still do worry about weight, but I no longer want anything ridiculous, I just want to lose that last little bit of post-baby body and start toning up. I actually want to be fit and healthy MORE than I want to be sexy and skinny. I am confident in the fact that my man thinks I'm beautiful and hot just the way I am... stretch marks and all!!! I still struggle a bit with eating in front of people, but I have made massive progress with that and it is really only when it is "shared" food now that I struggle.

Anyway, I'm a little apprehensive about sharing this blog, it feels so incredibly personal and raw, but at the same time, I am so aware that every woman battles with body image, and I am hoping that my honesty about my own struggles will somehow encourage or help another woman...

YES I want another one, disgusting I know!!!!!

Today at Steve's graduation was an example of a conversation I have over and over and OVER again:

"You have THREE!! Wow, you have your hands full!"
"Yep, they're busy little things"
"You're not having MORE though, are you!"
"Ummmm... well... we do want another one in time"
"ANOTHER one!!!" (said with look of half-horror half-disgust)

Yes, introducing me - the one who wants 4 kids, which is apparently quite disgusting a desire in our society today.

So I'm not over 30, and I don't drop my 3yo bilinguistic able-to-write-and-read designer-clad child off with their organic healthy snacks at daycare and work in my high-paid job and come home to my completely clean and sanitised mansion and place my sweet child in bed.

I guess compared to that standard really I am just an underachiever.

And THERE you have the bit that pisses me off. The bit where if you choose to have a large family you must be some kind of sentimental under-achiever who doesn't know what else to do with their lives than get horny and reproduce.

So, I am going to set the record straight.

NUMBER ONE: I am not some love-sick sentimental unambitious sex maniac who wants to reproduce because I love babies. I have spent hours and hours thinking and planning what kind of a family I want to have, what kind of children I want to contribute to the world, what kind of environment I want them to grow up in, and what kind of a family I want around me one day when I am old, and at Christmas, and when my nest is empty. And after studying all the families I most admire, the ones who I felt had a great loving and connected atmosphere and whose children have grown into independent yet loving and connected and balanced adults with great people skills - I came to the conclusion that 4 seemed to create the kind of family atmosphere that I think best suits the goals and values that Steve & I have.

NUMBER TWO: My children are NOT a burden to society, or others' finances. Yes, for 4 years while Steve studied we lived on centrelink payments supplemented with Steve's work. But now, we are no different to any other family with children. WE buy their food, their clothes, their toys, WE will pay their school and education costs - and we are perfectly capable of doing a good job of that. They will not have designer clothes, and they will not get everything they want, but we will provide adequately for their needs and they will not be walking around embarrassed about wearing rags.

NUMBER THREE: I am NOT a non-contributing member of society. I am bringing up beautiful, well-adjusted, considerate, intelligent, thoughtful, polite, fun, loving, affectionate children who I hope will become invaluable members of our society. That in and of itself should be enough!!! But in addition to that I am still working towards goals of my own, where I will contribute in my own ways as well (AKA uni). And although at times I am stressed, I am averaging HDs, I am functioning well enough and the only thing to occasionally suffer is the housework which SURELY isn't the end of the world???

I am not even sure what the exact objections to having 4 children are but I'm hoping I have addressed at least SOME of the concerns the general public have!!!

what I wish they'd told me

A few months ago I watched a video full of advice parents wish someone had given them, and I LOVED it and thought I'd copy... only no video, I'm not that tech-savvy. So based purely on my 4 years experience so far... this is what I'd tell parents-to-be...

1. when you are pregnant and reading all those pregnancy and childbirth books - it's also a good idea to read a book about how to look after a baby - especially reading up on the section about sleeping!!!!!
2. sleep deprivation has been used as a torture technique, so when you start to feel like you are losing it - you probably are!! BUT... when you feel like you really can't do another day, you'll still somehow find the strength within yourself for get through another 5 minutes, followed by another 5 min and so on... until you have made it through another day.
3. one day, your darling big eyed little angel will vomit all over themselves, and you, and their bed, and the floor... and they will be frightened, crying, and hot to touch with bright flushed cheeks and seem so vulnerable that somehow despite how gross the experience is, you will fall even deeper in love with them. Sounds ridiculous, but it really is true!!!
4. The sound of your child(ren) laughing will instantly brighten your day, no matter how hard it has been.
5. All your ideas about parenting ie "I will NEVER..." "MY children won't..." "I plan to continue..." "the baby won't change things too much" "I would NEVER feed my child..." will probably be thrown out the window pretty quickly. But it doesn't make you a failure... just shows that you've learned to respect your child's individual personality and needs and put them first rather than a heap of vague concepts you'd formed based on keeping up appearances.
6. Some days you will fail. Badly. And hate yourself for it. And be convinced that you have injured their emotional wellbeing for life. And carry that guilt for a ridiculous amount of time. It comes with the territory. But the good news is that if we can learn to admit our faults to our children and apologise... then we take the pressure off them to live up to some unattainable level of perfection.
7. Some days you will wonder why you had them. But most of the time you will wonder how you ever existed without them!!
8. Watching a child sleep is one of the most miraculous and beautiful things you could ever see.
9. It doesn't matter how you give birth as long as your child arrives safely. Don't allow feelings of guilt and inadequacy to rob you of the joy that you have brought an incredible little being into this world.
10. People will all tell you a different way that is the "only" right way of doing something. Doesn't mean you have to do it their way, every parent becomes an expert with their own children and can lose sight of the fact that your child is not the same as their child!!
11. On a really bad day, it is ok to stay in your pjs, or give them 2 baths instead of 1, and give them baked beans on toast, or even takeaway if u need, and play reruns of Dora all day... some days you just have to do what you can to get through that day.
12. As a parent, you will be judged. It isn't right that it happens, but it does. And those that are judging will decide that you don't measure up. They are not right, they just like to think they could do better!
13. Your marriage will change. Not in a bad way, just in a different way.
14. When they are throwing a tantrum, blow in their face and they take a breathe. They don't really like it but your ears get a 2 second break and it looks funny.
15. You think you know what love feels like - but when you have a child you realise you never truly knew what love is. Your heart will ache and bleed and swell over them every day, you will stay up worrying about things they haven't even THOUGHT to worry about, you will be ready to rip a child into pieces because they have bullied yours, you will feel intense nostalgia and grief on each birthday, start of the school year, each sighting of a newborn baby etc etc because you can't go back and see them at that stage one last time, you will lie awake worrying about their future, NOBODY will be good enough for your child, you will cry because loving them feels so good and you will cry because loving them and learning to release them bit by bit hurts.
16. There will be so many moments where you doubt yourself and your strength and your abilities, but your child has a way of bringing out the best in you, and you will surprise yourself. You will become 100 times the woman you would have been without them.
17. One of the greatest joys of parenthood is the permission to be crazy. Sing kids songs at the top of your voice doing silly actions. Dance in the rain and jump in puddles. Have tickle fights. Have a food fight. Sing opera at them. Just HAVE FUN coz you won't get another chance till you're old enough to fake dementia!!!
18. When you are offered help, TAKE IT!!!! Yes, your pride is hard to swallow... but remember that you are teaching your children that it's ok to need help, and by you accepting that help - you will be mroe refreshed or reenergised or have that little bit more time to be a better parent anyway!!
19. PND is real. And often you will struggle to admit to yourself that maybe something is wrong because it goes against what you WANTED. And if you have PND, it becomes even harder to admit you need help because you KNOW you are not coping and you don't want people to see you as weak. Having PND does not mean you are a failure, nor does it mean you don't love your kids enough, or that you are not strong enough. It is simply something that is beyond your control, that you didn't plan or create - but with the right help and support, you will find you are strong enough to come through it!!!!!
20. If you can't find your hairbrush check in the watering can. If you can't find your car keys check in the kid's kitchen. ALWAYS check your cards are still in your purse before leaving the house and trying to pay for something - if they are missing check the cushions of the couch in case the kids have posted them down there.
21. Get used to sitting in the doctor's waiting room and the emergency waiting room. Always aim for the doctors first because their wait is shorter.
22. Get your heart checked thoroughly BEFORE kids, because there will be many heart-stopping moments because they are not born with common sense (I think that may kick in in their 20s??)
23. Get ready to be amazed!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could have kept writing, but they are probably my main ones!!!!

our family mission statement

Our little family has a "mission statement", an idea we got from an AWESOME book I read a few years ago "7 habits of highly effective families". Anyway, each year I try to review it, and see where we can try to incorporate it more into our daily lives etc, and I thought maybe blogging it might help me think more clearly about it. That & I like to every now & then give people a snapshot of where Steve & I are TRYING to head with our family, so that you all know we at least are trying to be good parents lol... just get stuck on autopilot a lot!!! I've not put them down in any particular order, we priorities them ALL.

1. Responsible:
One of our number one aims as parents is to have our children (gradually!!) become independent, capable, mature and responsible adults. We want them to have the ability to be responsible for themselves and what they have been entrusted with (study, work, money etc), and by responsible we also mean knowing when to ask for help because they can't get something done. We consider it to be an essential life trait, because you can't go far in life if you are irresponsible.
We have found it a difficult trait to teach toddlers though lol. At this point, we cannot ask them to do something, and then not follow up - not because they are disobedient, just because they forget!!! However, we have a few areas that they are "responsible" for, and we as their parents are "responsible" for following them up on them: they are responsible for clearing their plates to the kitchen after each meal, putting their pjs under their pillow, putting their clean clothes away and putting dirty clothes in the laundry, and the big one is they are responsible for packing up their toys.
I'd love to expand on learning responsibility beyond some chores, but at this stage in their lives I just cannot think of any other way of teaching them this trait (any suggestions would be very welcome!!!).

2. Love God
So I can't be bothered in getting into a theological debate about this one, so I'm going to keep it simple. Steve & I honestly and truly believe that God is real, and therefore it is important to us that we talk to our children about what we believe is the truth. Obviously it will be their choice to accept or reject our beliefs, and I am aware of the "indoctrination" debate, it is one that I am still carefully thinking over... but at this point, my opinion on it is as my dad said recently when we were discussing it - that our children are going to get a "life view" from somewhere, and so we would like them to know what our life view is. We both have carefully thought out reasons behind our faith in God, which we are happy to explain to our children when they are old enough to comprehend it, and we have no fear about them learning about other beliefs, including evolution too, because we are happy to give our "proof/rationale' and have them compare and contrast and decide what they believe for themselves.
Anyway, moving on...
so obviously, the faith we have in God means we would really like our children to know God too. At this point, we pray at meal times, and before bed, allowing them to pray in their own way so that they can learn that God is approachable and not just a "religion". We read a toddler devotion at the table with them, take them to church, and if they are afraid or sick pray with them.
3. Have fun
The ability to enjoy life and have fun is absolutely ESSENTIAL!!!!!!!!!!!! The ability to laugh and joke in the hard times has really pulled us both through some tough situations, and well... I'm completely nuts and I've no hope of my kids having any respect for me if they don't have a sense of humour!!!! lol
But we also want to make sure that we have the ability to have fun AS A FAMILY... it's the fun and crazy times that you remember when you look back on life, and I'm sure it must cement relationships and build resilience!!!!
To build this into our culture... well I only have to be me for it to be a little crazy and Steve's about the same hehe. Although the neighbours must wonder at the random really BAD opera singing lol
But also, we try to get out a lot, go to parks etc with the kids, take them fun places, get random icecreams from maccas just coz, we're about to introduce 1 on 1 time for each kid rotating. We're also about to start "family night" on Saturday nights, which we'll take in turns to organise and will ALWAYS involve a milo with marshmallows, and then a movie, or guitar and singing and dancing... and other things young kids find fun!
4. honour others
This one is not necessarily the cultural trend these days, but it is a trait that we both consider valuable and important for the kind of adults we would like to have sent out into the world. We could have used the word "respect", but we felt that "honour" went one step further, incorporating respect, but to give honour to other people is to treat them like they are important, not just with courtesy (bit of semantics, I know, but we still felt there was a subtle difference).
This one is one that we can't easily explicitly teach our children, other than occasionally talking about it with them, and obviously teaching them about not hitting etc.
This one they really learn from observing us treat others with honour, which makes me very uneasy. I know it's an area that I really struggle in in my own life and have LOTS of room for improvement. Steve is much better at honouring others . So, I guess the growth areas here for me is to learn to find a way to honour people rather than whinge about them, to learn to look for the good in people even if I struggle at times to see it, to learn to respect other people's decisions regardless of what I think, to remember that honouring a person is more important than looking after "my rights". Ugh, I have a long journey ahead of me!!
5. encourage others
This one was really important to Steve, and was his addition. Encourage was the closest word we could find to match what he was trying to say, but wasn't completely what he was after. He wanted us to have a family culture and atmosphere that made people feel encouraged and uplifted and capable, that we would be quick with praise and slow with criticism. (well, I think this is what he meant).
This is one area that we've not really been proactive at all at trying to implement, and I'm not entirely sure of the best way of building this into our family culture. (again, your suggestions would be really welcome!!). We're good at telling our kids we love them, and praising them, but I don't think that that is enough. Really not sure at all about the how to of this one, gives me a lot to think about I guess!!!

Anyway, they are our 5!! And this blog is HUGE!!!!