Inspired by my uni readings about sexism recently, I’ve been reading a lot more of the ‘feminist’ work out there to see what the ‘modern’ take on it all is. Some of what is happening out there is amazing, I found it truly inspiring to realise that some of my deepest hates (such as the way that “sex sells” is considered as reasonable justification for the constant slutty images of women in advertising, despite the fact that it is actually selling the concept that to be something as a woman you have to be sexually promiscuous and in some ways a pawn/porn in the hands of men) are being fought by feminists – especially as the impression I’d always got from the media was that feminists were BEHIND the idea!!! There are so many amazing things that feminists are doing that I couldn’t list them all, but I have to say that they are truly inspiring!!!
However, some of what I have read also... well ANNOYED me lol. I do strongly believe that no person should be FORCED to fit a stereotype. If someone deviates from the ‘norm’ – that should be ok!!! Not everyone is going to be a carbon copy of our expectations!! However, I found some of the things I read about ‘femininity’ off-putting. There was some stuff out there that seemed to be suggesting that in order for feminism to succeed, women shouldn’t wear pink, shouldn’t be into ‘girly’ things, shouldn’t love fairytales etc etc... because (if I understood the article I read correctly) by conforming to that image we conform to the concept that we are the ‘weak’ sex (ok, so major paraphrasing here coz I’m too lazy to reread and get my wording correct).
They might very well be right, I’ve not read studies on it, or done any research into it. But if that’s the case, I’m so disappointed, because I feel like in the end, we lose again – we have to sell ourselves out and conform to a different concept of women in order to succeed.
I LOVE being a woman. I LOVE dressing up, getting my hair done, watching girly princess movies, LOVE tutus and sparkles and glitter and pink and flowers and pretty smells... I’ve outgrown most of those myself, but I love watching my girls’ faces light up when they get their hands on those things and I LOVE seeing them looking so eatable!! I LOVE bubble baths, and pampering myself, and nail polish, and gossip, and chatting for hours with friends. I LOVE being feminine!!! I love the concept of being romanced and seduced and cared for... I find for myself (and I suspect for many other women), that my femininity is tied up to my sexuality... if you took away my right to be feminine and feel truly beautiful.... well sexuality loses its appeal. I feel that femininity actually expresses something that is a part of me – as a wife and a mother I do consider one of my roles in life is that of a nurturer. Not my only role, but one of my favourites, and the one that I am most proud of. I feel that soft colours don’t express a weakness – it simply expresses something that I am proud of!!
The idea that to become a successful woman I would have to give up those things... well it just doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t consider those things as “weak”. I can’t help feeling that by allowing “sexism” to define them as weak... is letting it win!! I would much rather see a definition/perception change take place!!
Why can’t I love all those things, be all those things.... and still be successful??? If people out there really do consider all of those things as “weak”, then why can’t my success, my girls’ success, and the success of many other women out there prove them wrong??? I don’t want to lose my femininity to be successful. I want to be a successful feminine woman!!! I truly believe you can wear pink and still be as successful in life as a man!! I want my girls to feel confident in their right to express their femininity and not be condescended to or looked down upon because of it!!!!!!!
I truly believe my girls can be as girly as they want without it discrediting their intelligence, their strength, their abilities, their potential. I believe it is their right! Obviously if they express a dislike for any of those girly things, I would never force it on them either!!!!!! I just believe that it is their right to choose, and that their choice should not be permitted to limit their options in life in any area.
Anyway... I just find this blog space is a handy spot for trying to get my own head around my musings... and these were today’s!
Friday, May 27, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
sexism
Up until yesterday I would have said that I have never really been discriminated against, or exposed to sexism. Sexual harrassment - yes, stupid sexist jokes that were designed to sound sexist to annoy me - yes, but sexism itself... no!
My husband and I are equals in our relationship - different, but equal. When he is home he helps me with housework, and there are no tasks that he refuses to do (although we do tend to delegate tasks according to our strengths which do have a tendency towards traditional gender roles... anything fiddly such as handyman stuff and chopping vegetables nicely he does because I have no fine motor skills, anything involving bad smells such as bins, dirty nappies and vomiting kids he does because he has a strong stomach, and he does the lawns because he is physically stronger than me). I have never been denied opportunities based on my gender in my education or in my workplace.
But... yesterday when reading my uni readings on sexism I suddenly realised that I HAVE been exposed to sexism in my life, but it was so subtle that I had never noticed it!!!
One of the aspects of sexism that often goes unnoticed is... stereotyping.
Now I'm not going so far to say it is discrimination to have a "general" stereotype of males and females... the reality is that men do have higher levels of testosterone, women have higher levels of oestrogen... and hormones do effect behaviour! But... when we frown upon behaviour that does NOT fit into our stereotype of a man or a woman, that is the point where it does cross into sexism!
Women tend to be viewed as emotional, empathetic, warm, caring and relational. All good qualities to have, and there is nothing wrong with being all those things! But... what about women that do not tick all those boxes???
I have always been very firm in my beliefs and opinions - not stupidly, I have always had a logic and thought process behind them... yet I have always found that when I express them with such conviction that the vast majority of people do not react well and are intimidated by this. I have been told that I should express them differently or even keep them to myself, and felt a very strong sense of that being a bad quality that I have. The thing is that yesterday I realised that I have seen this same quality in plenty of guys out there, but in them it is considered acceptable, and I suspect that it all comes down to stereotypes. Guys are seen to be 'leaders' and are not expected to show the same delicacy as women to people's feelings... they are permitted by our society to be relatively blunt and argue their beliefs... whereas for women it is not looked as favourably upon. Not intentionally - but a prejudice there exists!
Another thing I have always felt strange about myself is that where most women hear some trouble that another person is going through and have that want to be there for them, and be caring and compassionate and hug them... and well stuff along those lines... I don't feel that way at all!!! It isn't that I don't care, it is just that I am able to stay objective and not get caught up in someone else's pain, and focus more on what changes could be made to minimise the impact of that situation... another typical 'male' stereotype trait.
Anyway, I found it a fascinating concept!!! I have always been aware that although I still have plenty in common with other women, that I have never felt completely the same, I think slightly differently, I speak more directly than many other women... I'm not any less of a woman than other women, I just am not 'stereotypically' conformed to the woman concept! And as a result I have had subtle pressure put on me to conform a bit more - which I can't because who I am is so deeply ingrained that I cannot conform! And those very aspects of me that can upset some people, are the very aspects that will help me to excel in my career in time!!!
This is not just a rant about "female" sexism, because I have seen the same things happen to males - if a guy is too talkative, too sensitive etc etc he is automatically labelled 'gay' because he doesn't fit the 'typical male stereotype'. Sexual orientation and stereotypicalness are not the same thing!
A quote from my text book that isn't quite 100% related, but too good to exclude...
"People may need to stigmatise groups that have different world views from their own, because if they did not degrade and discredit outgroups in this way then the frail sense of certainty in, and controllability over, life that they gain from their own world view would be shattered."
My husband and I are equals in our relationship - different, but equal. When he is home he helps me with housework, and there are no tasks that he refuses to do (although we do tend to delegate tasks according to our strengths which do have a tendency towards traditional gender roles... anything fiddly such as handyman stuff and chopping vegetables nicely he does because I have no fine motor skills, anything involving bad smells such as bins, dirty nappies and vomiting kids he does because he has a strong stomach, and he does the lawns because he is physically stronger than me). I have never been denied opportunities based on my gender in my education or in my workplace.
But... yesterday when reading my uni readings on sexism I suddenly realised that I HAVE been exposed to sexism in my life, but it was so subtle that I had never noticed it!!!
One of the aspects of sexism that often goes unnoticed is... stereotyping.
Now I'm not going so far to say it is discrimination to have a "general" stereotype of males and females... the reality is that men do have higher levels of testosterone, women have higher levels of oestrogen... and hormones do effect behaviour! But... when we frown upon behaviour that does NOT fit into our stereotype of a man or a woman, that is the point where it does cross into sexism!
Women tend to be viewed as emotional, empathetic, warm, caring and relational. All good qualities to have, and there is nothing wrong with being all those things! But... what about women that do not tick all those boxes???
I have always been very firm in my beliefs and opinions - not stupidly, I have always had a logic and thought process behind them... yet I have always found that when I express them with such conviction that the vast majority of people do not react well and are intimidated by this. I have been told that I should express them differently or even keep them to myself, and felt a very strong sense of that being a bad quality that I have. The thing is that yesterday I realised that I have seen this same quality in plenty of guys out there, but in them it is considered acceptable, and I suspect that it all comes down to stereotypes. Guys are seen to be 'leaders' and are not expected to show the same delicacy as women to people's feelings... they are permitted by our society to be relatively blunt and argue their beliefs... whereas for women it is not looked as favourably upon. Not intentionally - but a prejudice there exists!
Another thing I have always felt strange about myself is that where most women hear some trouble that another person is going through and have that want to be there for them, and be caring and compassionate and hug them... and well stuff along those lines... I don't feel that way at all!!! It isn't that I don't care, it is just that I am able to stay objective and not get caught up in someone else's pain, and focus more on what changes could be made to minimise the impact of that situation... another typical 'male' stereotype trait.
Anyway, I found it a fascinating concept!!! I have always been aware that although I still have plenty in common with other women, that I have never felt completely the same, I think slightly differently, I speak more directly than many other women... I'm not any less of a woman than other women, I just am not 'stereotypically' conformed to the woman concept! And as a result I have had subtle pressure put on me to conform a bit more - which I can't because who I am is so deeply ingrained that I cannot conform! And those very aspects of me that can upset some people, are the very aspects that will help me to excel in my career in time!!!
This is not just a rant about "female" sexism, because I have seen the same things happen to males - if a guy is too talkative, too sensitive etc etc he is automatically labelled 'gay' because he doesn't fit the 'typical male stereotype'. Sexual orientation and stereotypicalness are not the same thing!
A quote from my text book that isn't quite 100% related, but too good to exclude...
"People may need to stigmatise groups that have different world views from their own, because if they did not degrade and discredit outgroups in this way then the frail sense of certainty in, and controllability over, life that they gain from their own world view would be shattered."
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Body image
Today I was thinking about how much my daughter loves her barbie dolls, and how some mothers actually feel that Barbie dolls contribute to poor body image, and it started me contemplating what the key factors that have contributed to my body image are....
I came to the conclusion that I have never looked at a barbie and wished I looked like her, and wanted to lose weight or anything like that... she was always just a doll to me, just the same as I never looked at my teddy and wished I was furry, or looked at my baby dolls and wished I was a baby again. Yes, I used her to act out my imaginings of being a grown up, but to be honest, she just never seemed to fit what I really pictured REAL LIFE to be, she didn't REALLY seem like a mum, or someone who would really get married etc... she was IMAGINARY to me... so never made it as someone I ever planned to model myself on.
So where did my insecurities in my body image come from?
The first time I remember even being conscious of my body was when I was in my first year of school... so 5... and an older boy in the playground taunted me that I was fat. I honestly believed him and felt heartbroken and a strong sense of shame about being fat. I told my parents that I was fat, but it didn't matter how many times they told me that the boy was wrong, and that I was not fat, my inner conviction that I WAS fat could not be altered. Looking back on photos I can easily see that I WAS NOT AT ALL fat, and that this boy probably just liked to say silly things to other kids... but at the time, the damage was done because a child does not have the cognitive ability to process things like that!! This is me in my first year of school...
Yeah, really fat huh?? Anyway, the next memory I have regarding body image is more to do with eating, which obviously is closely linked with body image...
Each year my parents would travel back to Melbourne (we were living in Perth back then) for a conference, and John and I would stay with different families for that week. I had a food intolerance to wheat, particularly wholegrain wheat, which at the time we didn't know was an intolerance, but my parents knew that I did not eat any bread other than white, and that was ok. The family I stayed with (a beautiful family) felt differently and expected me to eat the same food as their kids. So each day for the week I would be sent to school with a wholegrain bread sandwich, which I would throw in the bin. I would come home ravenous, and eat lots for dinner. One of those days (I was maybe 9?) I overheard a conversation with the oldest sister who was a teenager and who I looked up to very much, which went something along the lines of "when is she leaving? She eats too much". And there developed an instant phobia about eating too much food in front of people...
By the time I hit high school I was already obsessed with weight. I grew about 12cm in my first year of high school, but despite that growth kept a constant eye on my weight because I wanted to keep it down to 45kg. I skipped breakfast regularly, threw my lunch in the bin regularly (although this was not all body image related, I was not aware until I was 20 that I had food intolerances, and the sick feeling eating often gave me meant I was not keen on eating during the day), but still gained weight, and was very upset to hit 50kg and not be able to make that number go back down. In my mind, I was not thin enough, and even though I earned myself the nickname at school "anorexic giraffe" all that did was make me more paranoid about eating in front of others, and very paranoid about my height, and more ashamed of my body image. It did not stop me from dieting. (I should mention here that I was NOT anorexic - I would quite happily come home from school and consume half the pantry and for a couple of years ate more at dinner than anyone else... I was going through a massive growth stage!!!)
At no point in any of these times do I remember comparing myself to tv stars, magazines, barbie dolls or even other girls in my class... I just remember being self-conscious and awkward!
Anyway, as I grew older the obsession became a little less intense... I became a little more comfortable in my own skin, and after a boy I was sort of dating told me I was too skinny and needed more curves I actually reversed my eating and started putting weight on (to my mother's horror as she would see me piling cream into my milos)... so obviously still didn't have a great body image lol.
As I hit my 20s my body image discovered a new "hurdle"... boob size. This is the first time in my life I actually remember looking at magazines, tv stars and other people and feeling bad about the way I looked... not because of my weight (I was actually extremely happy with my weight by then thanks to my stomach problems causing major weight loss) but now because I was not "sexy" enough. I started to wonder how long it would take me to save up for a boob job, and even did some research on it all. It felt like everywhere I looked there were girls who were prettier, sexier, bigger, more tanned, better hair... just plain better than me. Knowing that these girls have been photoshopped, enhanced etc etc did not make a difference. For the first time in my life I had an intense desire to look like THEM.
Anyway, this obsession lasted a long time, and ended with my first pregnancy. I got to experience bigger boobs and decided I would rather not have those to deal with anymore!!! And even though for days after I had my Chloe I cried because I was convinced I would never look good again, once I started to heal up I actually felt the most comfortable I ever had with the way I looked. I was aware that I had post-baby weight to lose, but the awareness that that was NORMAL made me feel so at ease.
So now where am I at with body image... I will admit I still don't have a perfect body image. I still do worry about weight, but I no longer want anything ridiculous, I just want to lose that last little bit of post-baby body and start toning up. I actually want to be fit and healthy MORE than I want to be sexy and skinny. I am confident in the fact that my man thinks I'm beautiful and hot just the way I am... stretch marks and all!!! I still struggle a bit with eating in front of people, but I have made massive progress with that and it is really only when it is "shared" food now that I struggle.
Anyway, I'm a little apprehensive about sharing this blog, it feels so incredibly personal and raw, but at the same time, I am so aware that every woman battles with body image, and I am hoping that my honesty about my own struggles will somehow encourage or help another woman...
I came to the conclusion that I have never looked at a barbie and wished I looked like her, and wanted to lose weight or anything like that... she was always just a doll to me, just the same as I never looked at my teddy and wished I was furry, or looked at my baby dolls and wished I was a baby again. Yes, I used her to act out my imaginings of being a grown up, but to be honest, she just never seemed to fit what I really pictured REAL LIFE to be, she didn't REALLY seem like a mum, or someone who would really get married etc... she was IMAGINARY to me... so never made it as someone I ever planned to model myself on.
So where did my insecurities in my body image come from?
The first time I remember even being conscious of my body was when I was in my first year of school... so 5... and an older boy in the playground taunted me that I was fat. I honestly believed him and felt heartbroken and a strong sense of shame about being fat. I told my parents that I was fat, but it didn't matter how many times they told me that the boy was wrong, and that I was not fat, my inner conviction that I WAS fat could not be altered. Looking back on photos I can easily see that I WAS NOT AT ALL fat, and that this boy probably just liked to say silly things to other kids... but at the time, the damage was done because a child does not have the cognitive ability to process things like that!! This is me in my first year of school...
Yeah, really fat huh?? Anyway, the next memory I have regarding body image is more to do with eating, which obviously is closely linked with body image...
Each year my parents would travel back to Melbourne (we were living in Perth back then) for a conference, and John and I would stay with different families for that week. I had a food intolerance to wheat, particularly wholegrain wheat, which at the time we didn't know was an intolerance, but my parents knew that I did not eat any bread other than white, and that was ok. The family I stayed with (a beautiful family) felt differently and expected me to eat the same food as their kids. So each day for the week I would be sent to school with a wholegrain bread sandwich, which I would throw in the bin. I would come home ravenous, and eat lots for dinner. One of those days (I was maybe 9?) I overheard a conversation with the oldest sister who was a teenager and who I looked up to very much, which went something along the lines of "when is she leaving? She eats too much". And there developed an instant phobia about eating too much food in front of people...
By the time I hit high school I was already obsessed with weight. I grew about 12cm in my first year of high school, but despite that growth kept a constant eye on my weight because I wanted to keep it down to 45kg. I skipped breakfast regularly, threw my lunch in the bin regularly (although this was not all body image related, I was not aware until I was 20 that I had food intolerances, and the sick feeling eating often gave me meant I was not keen on eating during the day), but still gained weight, and was very upset to hit 50kg and not be able to make that number go back down. In my mind, I was not thin enough, and even though I earned myself the nickname at school "anorexic giraffe" all that did was make me more paranoid about eating in front of others, and very paranoid about my height, and more ashamed of my body image. It did not stop me from dieting. (I should mention here that I was NOT anorexic - I would quite happily come home from school and consume half the pantry and for a couple of years ate more at dinner than anyone else... I was going through a massive growth stage!!!)
At no point in any of these times do I remember comparing myself to tv stars, magazines, barbie dolls or even other girls in my class... I just remember being self-conscious and awkward!
Anyway, as I grew older the obsession became a little less intense... I became a little more comfortable in my own skin, and after a boy I was sort of dating told me I was too skinny and needed more curves I actually reversed my eating and started putting weight on (to my mother's horror as she would see me piling cream into my milos)... so obviously still didn't have a great body image lol.
As I hit my 20s my body image discovered a new "hurdle"... boob size. This is the first time in my life I actually remember looking at magazines, tv stars and other people and feeling bad about the way I looked... not because of my weight (I was actually extremely happy with my weight by then thanks to my stomach problems causing major weight loss) but now because I was not "sexy" enough. I started to wonder how long it would take me to save up for a boob job, and even did some research on it all. It felt like everywhere I looked there were girls who were prettier, sexier, bigger, more tanned, better hair... just plain better than me. Knowing that these girls have been photoshopped, enhanced etc etc did not make a difference. For the first time in my life I had an intense desire to look like THEM.
Anyway, this obsession lasted a long time, and ended with my first pregnancy. I got to experience bigger boobs and decided I would rather not have those to deal with anymore!!! And even though for days after I had my Chloe I cried because I was convinced I would never look good again, once I started to heal up I actually felt the most comfortable I ever had with the way I looked. I was aware that I had post-baby weight to lose, but the awareness that that was NORMAL made me feel so at ease.
So now where am I at with body image... I will admit I still don't have a perfect body image. I still do worry about weight, but I no longer want anything ridiculous, I just want to lose that last little bit of post-baby body and start toning up. I actually want to be fit and healthy MORE than I want to be sexy and skinny. I am confident in the fact that my man thinks I'm beautiful and hot just the way I am... stretch marks and all!!! I still struggle a bit with eating in front of people, but I have made massive progress with that and it is really only when it is "shared" food now that I struggle.
Anyway, I'm a little apprehensive about sharing this blog, it feels so incredibly personal and raw, but at the same time, I am so aware that every woman battles with body image, and I am hoping that my honesty about my own struggles will somehow encourage or help another woman...
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