A few months ago I watched a video full of advice parents wish someone had given them, and I LOVED it and thought I'd copy... only no video, I'm not that tech-savvy. So based purely on my 4 years experience so far... this is what I'd tell parents-to-be...
1. when you are pregnant and reading all those pregnancy and childbirth books - it's also a good idea to read a book about how to look after a baby - especially reading up on the section about sleeping!!!!!
2. sleep deprivation has been used as a torture technique, so when you start to feel like you are losing it - you probably are!! BUT... when you feel like you really can't do another day, you'll still somehow find the strength within yourself for get through another 5 minutes, followed by another 5 min and so on... until you have made it through another day.
3. one day, your darling big eyed little angel will vomit all over themselves, and you, and their bed, and the floor... and they will be frightened, crying, and hot to touch with bright flushed cheeks and seem so vulnerable that somehow despite how gross the experience is, you will fall even deeper in love with them. Sounds ridiculous, but it really is true!!!
4. The sound of your child(ren) laughing will instantly brighten your day, no matter how hard it has been.
5. All your ideas about parenting ie "I will NEVER..." "MY children won't..." "I plan to continue..." "the baby won't change things too much" "I would NEVER feed my child..." will probably be thrown out the window pretty quickly. But it doesn't make you a failure... just shows that you've learned to respect your child's individual personality and needs and put them first rather than a heap of vague concepts you'd formed based on keeping up appearances.
6. Some days you will fail. Badly. And hate yourself for it. And be convinced that you have injured their emotional wellbeing for life. And carry that guilt for a ridiculous amount of time. It comes with the territory. But the good news is that if we can learn to admit our faults to our children and apologise... then we take the pressure off them to live up to some unattainable level of perfection.
7. Some days you will wonder why you had them. But most of the time you will wonder how you ever existed without them!!
8. Watching a child sleep is one of the most miraculous and beautiful things you could ever see.
9. It doesn't matter how you give birth as long as your child arrives safely. Don't allow feelings of guilt and inadequacy to rob you of the joy that you have brought an incredible little being into this world.
10. People will all tell you a different way that is the "only" right way of doing something. Doesn't mean you have to do it their way, every parent becomes an expert with their own children and can lose sight of the fact that your child is not the same as their child!!
11. On a really bad day, it is ok to stay in your pjs, or give them 2 baths instead of 1, and give them baked beans on toast, or even takeaway if u need, and play reruns of Dora all day... some days you just have to do what you can to get through that day.
12. As a parent, you will be judged. It isn't right that it happens, but it does. And those that are judging will decide that you don't measure up. They are not right, they just like to think they could do better!
13. Your marriage will change. Not in a bad way, just in a different way.
14. When they are throwing a tantrum, blow in their face and they take a breathe. They don't really like it but your ears get a 2 second break and it looks funny.
15. You think you know what love feels like - but when you have a child you realise you never truly knew what love is. Your heart will ache and bleed and swell over them every day, you will stay up worrying about things they haven't even THOUGHT to worry about, you will be ready to rip a child into pieces because they have bullied yours, you will feel intense nostalgia and grief on each birthday, start of the school year, each sighting of a newborn baby etc etc because you can't go back and see them at that stage one last time, you will lie awake worrying about their future, NOBODY will be good enough for your child, you will cry because loving them feels so good and you will cry because loving them and learning to release them bit by bit hurts.
16. There will be so many moments where you doubt yourself and your strength and your abilities, but your child has a way of bringing out the best in you, and you will surprise yourself. You will become 100 times the woman you would have been without them.
17. One of the greatest joys of parenthood is the permission to be crazy. Sing kids songs at the top of your voice doing silly actions. Dance in the rain and jump in puddles. Have tickle fights. Have a food fight. Sing opera at them. Just HAVE FUN coz you won't get another chance till you're old enough to fake dementia!!!
18. When you are offered help, TAKE IT!!!! Yes, your pride is hard to swallow... but remember that you are teaching your children that it's ok to need help, and by you accepting that help - you will be mroe refreshed or reenergised or have that little bit more time to be a better parent anyway!!
19. PND is real. And often you will struggle to admit to yourself that maybe something is wrong because it goes against what you WANTED. And if you have PND, it becomes even harder to admit you need help because you KNOW you are not coping and you don't want people to see you as weak. Having PND does not mean you are a failure, nor does it mean you don't love your kids enough, or that you are not strong enough. It is simply something that is beyond your control, that you didn't plan or create - but with the right help and support, you will find you are strong enough to come through it!!!!!
20. If you can't find your hairbrush check in the watering can. If you can't find your car keys check in the kid's kitchen. ALWAYS check your cards are still in your purse before leaving the house and trying to pay for something - if they are missing check the cushions of the couch in case the kids have posted them down there.
21. Get used to sitting in the doctor's waiting room and the emergency waiting room. Always aim for the doctors first because their wait is shorter.
22. Get your heart checked thoroughly BEFORE kids, because there will be many heart-stopping moments because they are not born with common sense (I think that may kick in in their 20s??)
23. Get ready to be amazed!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I could have kept writing, but they are probably my main ones!!!!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
our family mission statement
Our little family has a "mission statement", an idea we got from an AWESOME book I read a few years ago "7 habits of highly effective families". Anyway, each year I try to review it, and see where we can try to incorporate it more into our daily lives etc, and I thought maybe blogging it might help me think more clearly about it. That & I like to every now & then give people a snapshot of where Steve & I are TRYING to head with our family, so that you all know we at least are trying to be good parents lol... just get stuck on autopilot a lot!!! I've not put them down in any particular order, we priorities them ALL.
1. Responsible:
One of our number one aims as parents is to have our children (gradually!!) become independent, capable, mature and responsible adults. We want them to have the ability to be responsible for themselves and what they have been entrusted with (study, work, money etc), and by responsible we also mean knowing when to ask for help because they can't get something done. We consider it to be an essential life trait, because you can't go far in life if you are irresponsible.
We have found it a difficult trait to teach toddlers though lol. At this point, we cannot ask them to do something, and then not follow up - not because they are disobedient, just because they forget!!! However, we have a few areas that they are "responsible" for, and we as their parents are "responsible" for following them up on them: they are responsible for clearing their plates to the kitchen after each meal, putting their pjs under their pillow, putting their clean clothes away and putting dirty clothes in the laundry, and the big one is they are responsible for packing up their toys.
I'd love to expand on learning responsibility beyond some chores, but at this stage in their lives I just cannot think of any other way of teaching them this trait (any suggestions would be very welcome!!!).
2. Love God
So I can't be bothered in getting into a theological debate about this one, so I'm going to keep it simple. Steve & I honestly and truly believe that God is real, and therefore it is important to us that we talk to our children about what we believe is the truth. Obviously it will be their choice to accept or reject our beliefs, and I am aware of the "indoctrination" debate, it is one that I am still carefully thinking over... but at this point, my opinion on it is as my dad said recently when we were discussing it - that our children are going to get a "life view" from somewhere, and so we would like them to know what our life view is. We both have carefully thought out reasons behind our faith in God, which we are happy to explain to our children when they are old enough to comprehend it, and we have no fear about them learning about other beliefs, including evolution too, because we are happy to give our "proof/rationale' and have them compare and contrast and decide what they believe for themselves.
Anyway, moving on...
so obviously, the faith we have in God means we would really like our children to know God too. At this point, we pray at meal times, and before bed, allowing them to pray in their own way so that they can learn that God is approachable and not just a "religion". We read a toddler devotion at the table with them, take them to church, and if they are afraid or sick pray with them.
3. Have fun
The ability to enjoy life and have fun is absolutely ESSENTIAL!!!!!!!!!!!! The ability to laugh and joke in the hard times has really pulled us both through some tough situations, and well... I'm completely nuts and I've no hope of my kids having any respect for me if they don't have a sense of humour!!!! lol
But we also want to make sure that we have the ability to have fun AS A FAMILY... it's the fun and crazy times that you remember when you look back on life, and I'm sure it must cement relationships and build resilience!!!!
To build this into our culture... well I only have to be me for it to be a little crazy and Steve's about the same hehe. Although the neighbours must wonder at the random really BAD opera singing lol
But also, we try to get out a lot, go to parks etc with the kids, take them fun places, get random icecreams from maccas just coz, we're about to introduce 1 on 1 time for each kid rotating. We're also about to start "family night" on Saturday nights, which we'll take in turns to organise and will ALWAYS involve a milo with marshmallows, and then a movie, or guitar and singing and dancing... and other things young kids find fun!
4. honour others
This one is not necessarily the cultural trend these days, but it is a trait that we both consider valuable and important for the kind of adults we would like to have sent out into the world. We could have used the word "respect", but we felt that "honour" went one step further, incorporating respect, but to give honour to other people is to treat them like they are important, not just with courtesy (bit of semantics, I know, but we still felt there was a subtle difference).
This one is one that we can't easily explicitly teach our children, other than occasionally talking about it with them, and obviously teaching them about not hitting etc.
This one they really learn from observing us treat others with honour, which makes me very uneasy. I know it's an area that I really struggle in in my own life and have LOTS of room for improvement. Steve is much better at honouring others. So, I guess the growth areas here for me is to learn to find a way to honour people rather than whinge about them, to learn to look for the good in people even if I struggle at times to see it, to learn to respect other people's decisions regardless of what I think, to remember that honouring a person is more important than looking after "my rights". Ugh, I have a long journey ahead of me!!
5. encourage others
This one was really important to Steve, and was his addition. Encourage was the closest word we could find to match what he was trying to say, but wasn't completely what he was after. He wanted us to have a family culture and atmosphere that made people feel encouraged and uplifted and capable, that we would be quick with praise and slow with criticism. (well, I think this is what he meant).
This is one area that we've not really been proactive at all at trying to implement, and I'm not entirely sure of the best way of building this into our family culture. (again, your suggestions would be really welcome!!). We're good at telling our kids we love them, and praising them, but I don't think that that is enough. Really not sure at all about the how to of this one, gives me a lot to think about I guess!!!
Anyway, they are our 5!! And this blog is HUGE!!!!
1. Responsible:
One of our number one aims as parents is to have our children (gradually!!) become independent, capable, mature and responsible adults. We want them to have the ability to be responsible for themselves and what they have been entrusted with (study, work, money etc), and by responsible we also mean knowing when to ask for help because they can't get something done. We consider it to be an essential life trait, because you can't go far in life if you are irresponsible.
We have found it a difficult trait to teach toddlers though lol. At this point, we cannot ask them to do something, and then not follow up - not because they are disobedient, just because they forget!!! However, we have a few areas that they are "responsible" for, and we as their parents are "responsible" for following them up on them: they are responsible for clearing their plates to the kitchen after each meal, putting their pjs under their pillow, putting their clean clothes away and putting dirty clothes in the laundry, and the big one is they are responsible for packing up their toys.
I'd love to expand on learning responsibility beyond some chores, but at this stage in their lives I just cannot think of any other way of teaching them this trait (any suggestions would be very welcome!!!).
2. Love God
So I can't be bothered in getting into a theological debate about this one, so I'm going to keep it simple. Steve & I honestly and truly believe that God is real, and therefore it is important to us that we talk to our children about what we believe is the truth. Obviously it will be their choice to accept or reject our beliefs, and I am aware of the "indoctrination" debate, it is one that I am still carefully thinking over... but at this point, my opinion on it is as my dad said recently when we were discussing it - that our children are going to get a "life view" from somewhere, and so we would like them to know what our life view is. We both have carefully thought out reasons behind our faith in God, which we are happy to explain to our children when they are old enough to comprehend it, and we have no fear about them learning about other beliefs, including evolution too, because we are happy to give our "proof/rationale' and have them compare and contrast and decide what they believe for themselves.
Anyway, moving on...
so obviously, the faith we have in God means we would really like our children to know God too. At this point, we pray at meal times, and before bed, allowing them to pray in their own way so that they can learn that God is approachable and not just a "religion". We read a toddler devotion at the table with them, take them to church, and if they are afraid or sick pray with them.
3. Have fun
The ability to enjoy life and have fun is absolutely ESSENTIAL!!!!!!!!!!!! The ability to laugh and joke in the hard times has really pulled us both through some tough situations, and well... I'm completely nuts and I've no hope of my kids having any respect for me if they don't have a sense of humour!!!! lol
But we also want to make sure that we have the ability to have fun AS A FAMILY... it's the fun and crazy times that you remember when you look back on life, and I'm sure it must cement relationships and build resilience!!!!
To build this into our culture... well I only have to be me for it to be a little crazy and Steve's about the same hehe. Although the neighbours must wonder at the random really BAD opera singing lol
But also, we try to get out a lot, go to parks etc with the kids, take them fun places, get random icecreams from maccas just coz, we're about to introduce 1 on 1 time for each kid rotating. We're also about to start "family night" on Saturday nights, which we'll take in turns to organise and will ALWAYS involve a milo with marshmallows, and then a movie, or guitar and singing and dancing... and other things young kids find fun!
4. honour others
This one is not necessarily the cultural trend these days, but it is a trait that we both consider valuable and important for the kind of adults we would like to have sent out into the world. We could have used the word "respect", but we felt that "honour" went one step further, incorporating respect, but to give honour to other people is to treat them like they are important, not just with courtesy (bit of semantics, I know, but we still felt there was a subtle difference).
This one is one that we can't easily explicitly teach our children, other than occasionally talking about it with them, and obviously teaching them about not hitting etc.
This one they really learn from observing us treat others with honour, which makes me very uneasy. I know it's an area that I really struggle in in my own life and have LOTS of room for improvement. Steve is much better at honouring others
5. encourage others
This one was really important to Steve, and was his addition. Encourage was the closest word we could find to match what he was trying to say, but wasn't completely what he was after. He wanted us to have a family culture and atmosphere that made people feel encouraged and uplifted and capable, that we would be quick with praise and slow with criticism. (well, I think this is what he meant).
This is one area that we've not really been proactive at all at trying to implement, and I'm not entirely sure of the best way of building this into our family culture. (again, your suggestions would be really welcome!!). We're good at telling our kids we love them, and praising them, but I don't think that that is enough. Really not sure at all about the how to of this one, gives me a lot to think about I guess!!!
Anyway, they are our 5!! And this blog is HUGE!!!!
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