For better for worse

Our 9th wedding anniversary started at 1:30am with stephen cleaning up vomit because master just-turned-6 had eaten way too much at his party and then eaten pizza after his party... And steve spinning him around in a shopping trolley afterwards for fun probably didn't help either...
Between that vomit, my head cold and migraine, and Steve beginning his day at 5am we haven't had the best nights sleep.
Other than a vaguely mumbled thank you for cleaning up the vomit, and a quick kiss & "your breakfast is just next to you" as he flew out the door for his 14hr work day I have not seen my husband today, and will probably only see him briefly tonight before we head back to bed as we both have hectic days.
And while it isn't ideal, I love that this year our anniversary is not glamorous. This year it is not even romantic. It is filled with the working out of our vows to each other 9 years ago.

For better for worse
We didn't picture monotonous busy non-glamorous days like this when we made this promise to each other. We pictured day after day of Brady bunch like happiness. Endless summers. No fighting, no fatigue, no stresses, no life problems... Just perfection encapsulated in a marriage. We didn't picture the chaotic busy days, dealing with fighting overtired children, days or weeks where it feels like you are just vaguely passing each other's paths because you have too much on, days when every little thing they say just irritates the hell out of you! We didn't know that a few "better" days would make persisting through the "worse" days so very worth it. That there would be days when you cannot imagine being happier or more fulfilled regardless of the fact that the house is a chaotic mess, the kids are fighting and you have toddler snot on the knees of your jeans.

Through sickness and in health.
We didn't picture when we promised this that it would mean sleepless nights taking care of sick children. We didn't picture clean ups. Didn't have any idea in the world how close to insanity you can become when you are sleep deprived night after night with children who aren't sleeping, didn't know how hard a battle it would be to fight for your marriage when you are so tired you are ready to kill at the slightest provocation. Didn't picture the anxious waits for test results, the comfort of a warm body next to you when you're lying there unable to sleep because you are scared, the strength you can find facing health scares when you know that you're not alone in this.

For richer for poorer.
We didn't picture poorer when we promised this. We still thought we were above things like money and finances, that the world was at our feet. We didn't picture 7am-9pm work days leading up to Christmas to hopefully, hopefully, just cover the days off over the holidays. Didn't picture the years we would buy pathetic cheap presents for each other. Didn't picture the intense stress of some unexpected expenses that throw your budget into chaos. We didn't picture having to say no to children, the worry that maybe we have let them down. We didn't realise either just how rich we would be regardless of what material assets we ever own, that we would so easily sacrifice for each other and our children, that our family culture would be more important to us than money ever could be.

Till death do us part.
We didn't know when we promised this how close we would come to breaking this one. How close we would come so many times. Didn't realise how hard marriage was going to be, how you can love someone so much that when they hurt you you can end up so angry that you hate them to the same level that you loved them. Didn't realise how hard the journey ahead of us would be, didn't realise how tough the fight for marriage would be, didn't realise just how much we would have to lay down for the sake of a marriage. We didn't realise how hard forgiveness really is. How hard it is to wipe the record and allow someone to change and grow. How hard it is to let go of your hurts and heal.  Marriage has cost me everything... All my pride, all my dignity, all my strength, all my willpower, all my forgiveness, all my humility... But I have gained EVERYTHING. After years of fighting for a marriage that we weren't sure was worth saving, this year was not a fight, not a struggle... It was... Beautiful. And I have enjoyed every minute of it. I get to do life with my best friend. He knows everything about me and still loves me. He gets me. He listens to me. He encourages me and wants what is best for me. He lays down his life for me, from being there when things go bad, to cleaning up our child's vomit in the early hours of the morning, to giving me a neck massage whenever I have a migraine, to giving me breakfast in bed every morning, to choosing each day to not go back down the path of addiction he once travelled... he lays down his life for me.

And so... While today is far from glamorous... Today I celebrate the monotony and challenges of marriage, and the man by my side who continues to choose to honour his promises to me 9 years ago.
I love you Stephen xx

love never fails

I have had one of those random weeks where God has somehow tied together several random things to speak to me... and I have felt very challenged as I examined my heart and motivations, but also released from perfectionism, as I realised that it isn't what or how I do it that matters, but the heart behind it that matters!
And I wanted to share it because sometimes getting back to the basic foundations of things can be such a release, so if it can be of encouragement for someone other than just myself then it is worth sharing!

 

1 Cor 13 "If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."

Easy to read this and feel somewhat immune - it is easy to assume I'm a loving person because I love those I surround myself with.

But, when you put 1 Corinthians 13 WITH 1 Thes 1:3, a slightly clearer image emerges...

1 Thes 1:3 "We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ."

We serve God out of faith & love for Him & others, not out of ambition, duty, or to fulfill our own emotional needs... Faith in God inspires us to step out of our comfort zone because we believe in God's promises, we believe in the urgency of the gospel message, and so we put our head down & do whatever he asks. Love inspires us to keep going, to work hard, again to do whatever it takes, because we love him & respond to what his heart cares for, & because our love & compassion for his sheep, including his lost sheep, stirs our heart. We endure because we are inspired by the hope Jesus has given us - the hope of his return & all that will bring helps us push through trials and challenges, rejection and disappointment.

Easy to think I am acting in love, but IS everything really truly motivated by love, faith and hope?

When witnessing to others, does it come purely out of hope and love for them, that they will find themselves in the loving arms of their father? Or does it come out of a need to be right, or a desire to judge and feel superior, or a desire to debate theology?

When seeking that preaching/teaching opportunity, does what is said come out of love, out of a deep desire to see them connected to their father and living a transformed life? Or does it in fact come out of a desire to be seen as wise and insightful, to have an opportunity to tell people what I think they need to do better (and the sense of superiority that comes with that)?

When giving a prophetic word or praying for someone's healing, is it inspired by love and hope for their future? Or by the desire to be seen as super spiritual?

When serving is it out of love that I respond to a need? Or to be seen as someone who sacrifices lots to help out? Or for the thanks and praise for a job well done?

I'm thinking that not only just asking these questions and examining what motivates in any area of serving or responding to God is important... But also looking at my life in general??

So - If I truly love, I don't just love when it seems a "spiritual" moment to do so... When I truly love I live an open and generous life - if I am only outward focused when preaching, teaching, prophesying, praying, serving, witnessing etc, then I've missed out big time, because a lifestyle of loving others opens doors that no amount of "giftings" or human efforts can: people respond more openly when they know you love them and care about their wellbeing. It's why we learn to be open to all our Father has for us - because we realise he loves us and wants what is good for us... If we can reflect that then they will respond to what God wants to do THROUGH us! If we do not love, then we will be slogging our way in an uphill battle because we limit what God can do through us because people will shut their hearts around us.

A letter to my daughters

I know that they are both too young to read this yet and it will be many years before I give this letter to them... But it was on my heart and I am hoping by sharing this it will be an encouragement to other parents too...

To my daughters Chloe Renee & Sienna Elise,

It is a sunny winter's day and right now you are playing with your brother at being pirates, although sienna you are apparently a mermaid pirate because being a pirate doesn't appeal to you. I can hear plenty of "aaaarh" and plenty of fighting too as you sail on your boat made of chairs and the broom handle with pj shorts as a flag, with the paper treasure map you created together and pirate hats (and tied up blankets) on your heads. And as you play together so nicely I wonder about the future, and about the young ladies you are now, and the young women you will be in the future, and I wanted to write you a letter for one day when you both begin the transition from girlhood to womanhood.

My beautiful girls, I want you to know first off how much you are loved and cherished by your dad and I, and how incredibly proud we already are of you both. Even at this young age you bring us so much joy, you both have your own unique place in our hearts for forever. I wish things could stay exactly like they are right now always and that I could guard you from every negative influence there is out there, but I know that you are going to need to grow and learn how to face tough times, negative influences and learn things for yourselves so that you can grow to be strong mature and capable women yourselves... But oh how I wish I could shelter you forever!!!!

My daughters, this world is going to try to sell you short. As women this world will try to teach you that your worth is measured completely by how "hot" you are, that your value as a woman is solely defined by how much you are desired by men, by your appearance. This world will make you feel at times that your intelligence, your views, your inner strength, your heart and compassion for others, your abilities in a profession, and the many other strengths you have are worth nothing in comparison to looking and behaving a certain way - that certain way in actual fact being nothing other than degrading who you are as a woman. By the time you enter adulthood you will have been exposed to thousands of advertisements, music videos, magazine images, Internet sites, movies, tv shows, and the like that will present you with images of women who are the "ideal", images of women whose lives revolve completely around looking a certain way, and even then have "required" airbrushing to be "presentable".

I want you to know that your value is not at all tied up in the way you appear. I know there will be many days where you will struggle to believe in yourself, but I want you to know that there is no one else out there who can be the person you are - your personality, experiences, giftings, strengths, even your weaknesses, all work together to create you - and no one else can bring the same perspective as you do. When you get to the end of your life there will be people whose lives you have touched and changed in ways that no one else could have. There will be new things that you have created that no one else could have. There will be new ideas, new vision, new insights that only you could have brought. There will be so many people who are grateful for the presence you had in their life. Youth and beauty will fade, and when you die no one will reflect on how you appeared, what will last is WHO you were, what you can pass on to future generations is far greater than a couple of beauty tips.

I know there will also be days when you will fear that unless you look and behave a certain way you will not find a man who will love you. Totally not true. Any man who needs you to look a certain way in order to love you does not deserve you. The only man who deserves to marry you is the one who loves and values you for WHO you are, not how you appear. And while at times it will feel like there are no men out there like that, as a mother I have watched many friends bringing up sons who I know are learning that there are more important things to a woman than her appearance... Don't let fear cause you to settle for less than you are worth, hang in there for one of those men who have been brought up to value a woman for who she is. One of the wisest pieces of advise I was given as a young woman was that if I use my body to attract a man, I will attract a man who cares about my body. If instead I allow the person I am, and my character, to be the attributes that stand out, I will attract a man who cares about who I am.

Remember that I will always be here for you, always believe in you, and always fight for you. I love you both so much.

The "Why" behind my study

Holidays are over and I am well and truly snowed under again with uni homework. Once again struggling to find any form of life balance. And once again feeling like I am letting my children and husband down because so much of my time is eaten up by uni and I have so little to give to them. So this blog is a reminder to myself of why I have made this commitment, why on the tough days I get back up and push my overtired brain on and on and on, why it is important enough to me that I will sometimes put my children second (although it kills me to do so).

This journey started over 20 years ago. I was only a child when my heart was first broken by the images on the tv screen - Somalia famine in the early 90s - and it planted a seed. I did what I could (ran a lemonade stall which I don't think made any money at all) which was probably not at all helpful - but it was the beginning of something...

Years later as a very new Christian I then encountered a video that would change my life and my thinking and set some foundational values in my life that make me who I am today. It was called "What Would Jesus Do?" - A World Vision promotional video. I still remember it almost word for word... "1 John 3:17-18 - If you have this world's goods, and you see your brother or your sister in need, and yet you hold onto those goods, how can you say you have the love of Jesus in your heart? Oh, we're an easy talking people - I've got the love of Jesus love of Jesus down in my heart. I've heard it - but it doesn't cut the mustard". "This is the measure on judgement day - I was hungry did you feed me, naked did you clothe me, sick did you minister to me, a stranger did you take me in? But I know what you're going to say - 'Lord, I didn't drink?' 'But I was hungry' says Jesus. 'Lord I didn't curse' 'But I was hungry' says Jesus. 'Lord I didn't see those dirty movies'. But I was hungry, says Jesus." The movie ran with a song I had known since a child, "what would Jesus do?" by Julie Miller, lyrics something along the lines of "not attracted to pleasant places, he was drawn to broken hearts and lonely places. What would Jesus say? What would Jesus do? Where would Jesus go? We've got to go there too. He wants to love them, love them through me and you."

Just a video, but changed my life and cemented in me a fierce determination that I will not pass through this life without doing all within my power to change the injustices in this world. Sure - I cannot possibly by myself change the whole world, but I sure wasn't going to use that as an excuse to do nothing whatsoever.

As the years rolled on that desire to make a difference has not changed. I didn't "grow out of it", I haven't become disillusioned, I haven't given up. There is a parable in the bible, the parable of the talents, and I firmly believe in it. I firmly believe that I was given the opportunities I have been given to use responsibly, not to waste on my own personal leisure. I live in a country where I have opportunity, resources and finances to study and develop a career - so I have used that opportunity to study psychology, knowing that throughout the world there are millions who experience incredible trauma, depression, hopelessness and low perceptions of autonomy as a result of poverty, and for some the indescribably horrific emotional scars as a result of the sex slavery trade and war. And so I am pushing myself to excel in all I do at uni, not for the sake of my own "esteem" but because if I work hard enough I will have more opportunities to develop my skills, and therefore more possibilities in finding a way to alleviate some of the suffering of those who have lived through incredible horrors. And so much as I love my children, and my family, sometimes they have to come second - I am not talking their basic physical and emotional needs aren't met - they are fed clothed loved and I do spend time with them!!! But public holidays and weekends come and at times I am holed up in front of a computer instead of with my family. And school holidays come and other children are off enjoying some wonderful fun leisure activities... while we barely leave the house.


There are lots of other aspects of my journey, but I guess the one that has really stood out to me this year has been the journey of my heart - a journey of learning to love and accept others unconditionally. Not saying I am there yet!! But certainly on a journey there. I have a pretty determined personality, and as a result have always struggled to understand others when they don't behave in ways that I think are "beneficial" for them. Always felt that I would need to "limit" the type of people I work with as I didn't want to work with people who "won't help themselves". I will be honest and admit that I had really limited narrow thinking and understanding of others. This was not confined to strangers either, I found myself constantly frustrated with others who did not live their life the way I thought made sense - I'm not talking Christian vs non-Christian stuff here, more "self-defeating" behaviours, narrow mindedness (yep, bit hypocritical of me!!), inability to admit fault, poor parenting, attention seeking behaviour etc etc etc etc etc!!!!
Over the last few months I have been little bit by little bit processing this. There were many areas of unforgiveness that I had to deal with, relationships that I had "removed" from my life because they were unhealthy, but I had no "peace" about it because my heart still held resentment and judgement. People who I had talked about when their life and choices were none of my business. In particular, I was challenged about a particular situation from a few years ago - this person had "attacked" me publicly, and yes, they were in the wrong and I had not provoked this situation... but... a few weeks ago while fasting God really challenged me about my attitude and response. I had been so busy feeling sorry for myself, playing the victim and being angry that I had never once stopped to seek God, never once prayed for what was happening, never once asked God how to respond and in several years since had never prayed for this person. Ouch... convicted!!! Maybe there was a chance that if I had sought God first there would not be the alienation there is now, and maybe my children could have continued a relationship with this person.
So... bit by bit I have been dealing with the relationship breakdowns in my life, and learning to love accept and forgive.
Only after that was God able to start working on the next layer... I had pictured counselling psychology as a role in which I would pretty much listen, empathise, and then try to get people to live the way I thought they should (I know - naive of me!!!). But no - it is totally different... but so much better than I had pictured!! I will have the incredible privilege of listening, empathising and learning someone else's perspective, of helping them to explore their decisions and "whys" behind their behaviour, of giving them a safe place to express things that may be incredibly disturbing, and even incredibly wrong, and in some cases - being the first person to offer unconditional acceptance regardless of whether their actions and choices are good ones. And for the first time in my life I actually feel like I could be capable of that - of accepting someone who uses drugs and has hurt all those they love because I will have opportunity to look past the behaviour and see the person underneath it all. Of looking past the bizarre behaviour of someone suffering from a significant mental illness because the behaviour is a reflection of their mental illness but not of who they are. Of looking past the physical appearance of anorexia, or a burns victim. Looking past stereotypes of culture, race, age, gender etc. And I can see how incredible my job is going to be, and what a privilege it will be to get to see behind the masks that others rarely are given opportunity to see behind.

This video kind of expresses what I have been unable to quite put into words... it is a reminder to me of all that is similar, all that is common to humankind... a reminder that all of us start out the same, all of us are special and valuable...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSqjb_5cuh0

Family Values Review time...

At the start of each New Year, Steve & I take the time to review our family values, assess how we are going, and make changes accordingly. I have been rereading "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families" over the last couple of weeks, and mulling over many things. I decided to attempt to put into words ALL that I have been thinking over, and am hoping by writing it down I will not only have some coherence to my thoughts, but maybe others will have some ideas and input into what we are trying to achieve... so here goes...

As I have been thinking about our children, their strengths and their areas I am concerned about, I have discovered that I need to make a big change in parenting style.

I started out with certain notions about parenting, but somewhere along the lines I swapped all those notions for the EASY road... the "Just do it because I said so, just do it before , then the I'm going to count to 3, and then right before 3 finally getting the response I wanted".

Whilst my children are really quite well behaved, when thinking about my eldest, Chloe, I realised that my greatest concern is that she is incredibly compliant and as she grows older and has to withstand peer pressure etc this could have some significant consequences. She has been compliant as long as I've known her, she has always been a really placid little thing, but regardless of personality I had to really think over everything we could possibly do to encourage her to become more assertive. And that was when I realised that my parenting style was not allowing her to make her own decisions. But while I recognised this, I also did not want to go to the other extreme where my child learnt no boundaries and lacked respect for self and others, something I have seen way too many times.

So we are starting to trial a middle ground: We are trying to cut down on unnecessary rules and stick to those that are in line with our family values. We have discussed those values with our children and they understand and agree with them, and have helped verbalise some standards THEY would like in our home. In the moment they do not necessarily care about the values anymore (eg - when asked to tidy up their toys so they are looking after their things, they do not always care anymore about that value), and so there are consequences... but not threats, warnings etc. It is something simple and straightforward, such as "Clean your toys up before dinner please because we look after our things", and then no dinner is on the table until they have tidied up. But the difference now is that they agree with the value even if at that time they don't FEEL like it. It's still a work in progress, and we still need to fine tune better ways of encouraging cooperative behaviour, so any suggestions would be very welcome!!

Anyway, onto our family values... We have 5 Family Values, however we are going to add 1 more in as a "core" value, still working on the wording... "No empty seats" or "Nobody gets left behind" (Lilo & Stitch hehe) are 2 options... basically our core value is trying to express the idea that no matter what happens, no matter what someone does, no matter what fights etc may happen, we do not ever want to harbour resentment or anger or judgement towards others in our family... there are no empty seats in our home, our family members are ALWAYS welcome no matter what they do. We want our children to know that they are loved unconditionally no matter what may come in life, and that they are ALWAYS our children.

We are in the middle of "redefining" more clearly what each value means to us as a family, so what I write here is what the kids helped us come up with (but reworded in more adult language). Steve & I have yet to both consider what it means to us, and then put it into one overall definition.

Our first family value is: Love God. Meaning: Care about God, worship God, talk to God, Pray for others, go to church, seek God on decision, seek God when in trouble, trust God, be thankful and read God's word. 
Some of the ways we try to integrate this value into our life:
* Thank God for each meal, and pray at night with our children, as well as praying as a couple before bed
* When we go to church we are there to participate in church. While the kids may not wish to sing etc, they still can participate by listening and being present in that moment. We are amazed at how this simple concept has been such an integral part of Joshua's growth in his spirituality. Whilst he rarely sings at church, he comes home singing songs he's heard only once, and he has such a heart for worshipping God. If we brought books or toys for him for this time at church I do not believe we would have seen so much growth.
* We have a family devotion book, as well as individual devotion books for the 2 older children, Sienna we can read bible stories to as she is not old enough to discuss concepts.
* When we see an ambulance with siren going we immediately stop what we are doing to pray for that person (ok except for once when Josh wanted to stop and pray in the middle of a medical appointment!!!)
* We are learning to seek God in all our decisions, something that we've never really done on the "smaller" things before, only on big changes. By doing this we are hoping to teach our children that by asking God first we seek His protection and blessings.
* We play lots of Christian music in our home and give our children opportunity to worship God and hear God's voice

2nd Family Value: Honour others. It is important to us that our home is a safe place, and that our children grow up with an internal ability to respect others. The children helped us to come up with these definitions for honour others: Include others, talk nicely, be gentle and respectful, care about others, listen to them, it's ok for others to have a different opinion and we can respect that, God made all people equal regardless of race, gender, choices they have made and past history they are still His child, God made all people unique and their unique personality and gifts are important.
Some of the ways we try to integrate this into our life:
* apologising when in the wrong
* not talking rudely to others (and for Steve & I we are working on not raising our voices at the kids)
* no hitting and fighting (kids are struggling with this one lol)
* Including every family member in discussion
* If you need space you can play alone, but you cannot play with 1 sibling and exclude the other
* I am working very hard at that taming that little "inner bitch" in me that can be critical of others
* Learning to express emotions in an appropriate manner, not lashing out and hurting others in the process
* Helping our children's developing sense of empathy by reflecting that within stories as well as real life situations (ie - oh, look at his face in this story, how do you think he feels? Or, "If he had excluded you from the game, like you did just then, how do you think you would have felt?").
* Encouraging them when others act in hurtful ways at school etc that they can learn from it and behave in different ways to that person.

3rd Family Value: Have Fun: We strongly believe that taking the time to recharge the batteries, rest up, have some playtime and some fun, and humour and the ability to laugh are ESSENTIAL to life. So: Laughing, jokes, funny faces, getting out and about, spending time together, holidays, 1 on 1 time etc etc etc are part of our normal family life.
Some of the ways we try to integrate this into our life:
* being "Crazy"
* Sat morning fry up for breakfast and trying to keep this time free of commitments when possible so we can relax and enjoy a morning together
* 1 family holiday a year
* 1 on 1 time for each child with 1 parent each month (alternating)
* Getting out and about whenever we can, be that a bike ride, a walk, trip to the park, beach, swimming pool, snow, cafe with play centre etc etc
* Developing a good "British" sense of humour through shows such as Mr Bean, Sotoy & Sweep.

4th Family Value: Encourage Others: We wanted our family to be a place where people didn't just feel respected and valued... but walked away feeling encouraged and capable.
So: Cheer others on when they need support, praise others for a job well done, serve others in little ways, give positive contructive praise... summed up as a general attitude of "I'm on your team!!!"
We try to integrate this by:
* Praising our children when they do their best
* Random times when we each say something we like about a particular family member (in their presence)
* Encouraging them when they are nervous or discouraged at something they are attempting


5th Family Value: Responsibility: Our ultimate goal as parents is to have independent children who are capable of looking after themselves...
So: Be a good steward of our time, resources and belongings, if we are given a job follow through, do my best, if I need help with something I'm responsible for ASK, be responsible for what I say and my actions.
We try to integrate this by:
* our children each have jobs that are their responsibility only. If they do not complete their jobs they do not get pocket money as they have not responsibly participated in our family that week
* Packing school bags is child's responsibility - I will ask them once to pack an item, if they do not get up and do that then they will have to face the consequences at school (I will take their lunch in though if they forget it - I'm not cruel!!)
* Reminding them when they say/act inappropriately that they are not responsible for other's actions, but need to be responsibly for what THEY do
* Verbalising our own responsibilities - "I can't play right now, I have to hang the washing out - that's MY job" "I have to mow the lawn this morning before I can play guitar - the lawns are MY job".
* Toys must be packed up at end of day, as well as throughout day when asked, because we need to look after our things
* When rough with furniture reminded that if it is broken, we have to find money to replace it, and that means we miss out on fun activities.
* As we are renting, we sometimes discuss with the kids "I have to clean this, it isn't ours and so we need to be extra careful and look after it REALLY well"


WOW that was a long post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No wonder I felt I was struggling to get my head around everything??!!!

Please if you have any suggestions after reading our values of ways we can integrate them then do suggest them!!! We are really trying to be more focused this year with our parenting as if we can make it a natural part of our culture half our work is already done for us!!

when I was a kid...

Something that has really really been bothering me lately are the huge changes in parenting over the years. Now, I'm not an expert, so as you read my post please understand that these are my reflections from my perspective, and I am in no way trying to criticise other parents, I am just stating an observation... only time will tell what long-term effects (or lack of long-term effects) modern parenting will have on children and what others choose for their children are their own business. I don't care what others do (well other than when you are talking about parenting that is clearly abusive or going to have clear negative long term implications for a child), but it does bother me that parents look at me sometimes as if I am crazy to parent the way I do and yet in comparison to some previous generations what I do is sooooo tame?!

When I was a kid only the minority of kids had a birthday each year. And when there was a birthday party there was generally a handful of kids invited, not the whole class. Parties in which the entire class were invited were a rarity!

When I was a kid birthday cakes were usually straight out of the Women's weekly cake book. Unless you had a Maccas party... then you had icecream cake with sprinkles.

When I was a kid my mother was more protective than others. Other kids rode their bikes around the streets and disappeared for hours. We rode ours around the court only. We were not the average.

When I was a kid playgrounds were awesomely "dangerous". The seesaws went THUMP and the point of them was to try to get the other person to fly up in the air! And yes I was winded on a seesaw. Monkey bars broke multiple arms. There were these awesome spinning things that you hung onto that bobbed up and down in the air as they swung in a full circle. There were trees to climb. We all copped a few footys in the face. And our parents did not follow us around every item at the playground.

When I was a kid parents were (a little too!!) relaxed about seatbelts in the event you had an extra person to fit into the car and not enough seatbelts. As long as you bobbed down far enough that the cops wouldn't see you you were fine.

I lived too far away from school to walk to school... but hey, when I was a kid parents didn't fret over their kids walking to school. Even preps could be dropped off in the school carpark to find their own way to their classroom (and we didn't get lost!!). And when my mum was a kid they would walk in from miles away to get to school. And when my grandma was a kid her and her brothers would be packed onto the back of a horse and rode that in for miles to get to school!!!

When I was a kid it was ok to leave your kid in the car while you ran into the shops to get a few things (provided it wasn't too hot and the doors were locked).

When I was a kid disappointments were a normal part of life. If you missed a party or a sleepover coz you were sick, it was disappointing but you just had to deal with it. If you didn't win a competition or top a test well that's just how that worked out. If you desperately wanted a new bike or toy of some kind and your parents had no money, you were told so and you had to revise your dreams because money is a fact of life that you have to learn at some point.

When I was a kid we were not rewarded for basic good behaviour. Respect for others was an expectation not an extraordinary effort on your part. If you were told off by a stranger you then copped it from a parent too rather than the stranger copping it from your parent.

When I was a kid I was given opportunities to learn from my mistakes. I learned the rules of gravity first hand. I learned that money has to be earned, and that although I am equal to others, I may not always have the same resources or opportunities as others but that's ok because I need to focus on what resources and opportunities I do have. I learned that my behaviour towards others has consequences. I learned that there are boundaries that when crossed have big consequences for my life. I learned that no matter how I may have felt at the time, sometimes parents or others DO know better than me. I learned to fight fair. I learned that I cannot simply have everything in life that I want - and some things in life I will want and never have. I learned to deal with that!!! I learned to deal with the fact that sometimes life isn't fair, that sometimes things happen that I cannot control and that my parents cannot click their fingers and rescue me from ALL situations because sometimes that is not possible. I learned resilience. I learned independence. I learned perseverance. I learned discipline.

And sometimes I can't help but wonder if my children's generation are going to be given opportunities to learn the same.

Joshua's birth journey

I wrote Chloe's birth story down last year, and now that I am on a break I think I better write down Joshua's story before I forget it! I'm getting old ;)

Joshua's journey starts back early in 2007....

Chloe was roughly 7 months old when I came down with some kind of virus that made me feel extremely tired and nauseaus. After 2 weeks with this virus I decided it was time to visit the doctor to find out what the deal was!!! Knowing that the first thing they would want to rule out was pregnancy I decided to conduct a pregnancy test first - we had had a lot of trouble falling pregnant with Chloe, so I figured my natural tendency to not fall pregnant combined with breastfeeding would make this extraordinarily unlikely but hey... better to buy the test than waste time at the doctors. So, I took the test... and lo and behold it was positive!!!!!! THAT explained the fatigue nausea and extremely low supply of breastmilk!!!! I had absolutely no clue whatsoever as to how pregnant I would be so we had an ultrasound which dated me for being due 23rd January 2008 (Chloe would be 15 months). We were a little surprised but over the moon!!

I had a completely smooth easy pregnancy, no problems, no issues!! At 20 weeks we had a scan and found out we were 99% likely having a boy!! After much debate we finally settled on a name, and started buying bits and pieces of boys clothing etc.

From about 30 weeks I started having intense Braxton Hicks contractions. I was quite concerned by them but was reassured by the doctor that my first being born early was random but not at all likely to happen again with the 2nd, and then the midwife told me I was just being a sulk and that she finds way too many 2nd time mums are oversensitive about aches and pains


Late November we moved out of our tiny 2 bedroom shoe box into a 3 bedroom place to make room for our new addition. We decided to move early to ensure that Chloe had time to adjust to that first change before the next big change!

Couple of weeks later I was 34 weeks... on Monday 9th December Chloe became violently ill with some kind of nasty gastro. She spent 2 days awake all night vomiting... and so I spent 2 nights awake with her cleaning up and trying to settle her. Not at all fun when you are feeling big and fat and pregnant and tired!!! Wednesday she finally picked up and we had her cousins over to play (who had also been sick with the gastro). Thursday morning my mum and youngest 2 brothers dropped in to say goodbye on the way to their holiday in Venus Bay. Normally they took their holidays in January but given I was due late January and had been early with Chloe, they had decided to holiday early so they could be around for the birth. I joked around telling mum I would call when the baby was born - she wasn't too impressed at that idea! Later that day Chloe fell ill again  so once again I was up all night with her. Friday my dad left for Venus Bay too (as he had had some work to finish up first). Friday evening I began to feel dizzy and nauseaus myself. Before long I was vomiting, and was so sick I could barely lift my head and needed help to make it to the toilet. Later that evening (about 11pm) I started to have regular but gentle contractions. I mentioned them to Steve and we ummed and ahhhed over them for some time before deciding to call my mum to let her know she should leave her phone on just in case. Steve then decided "hey let's pray and if the contractions haven't stopped in 5min we will call the hospital. So he prayed, and he fell asleep within 2min so I ignored the gentle squeezing contractions and fell asleep in no time at all.

4am (sat morning) I woke up to an intense contraction. I stumbled my way out to the loo, and then on the way back to bed felt my waters come gushing! I woke Steve up, and we immediately called the hospital who told us to come straight in. We called an ambulance because at last check bub wasn't engaged (so high risk of prolapsed cord which can be fatal) and called my mum who said she would head back as soon as it was light enough to drive (she can't drive in the dark) and then called my brother John's mobile over and over and over and over and over again until we finally managed to wake him up (actually I think Jo ended up waking him telling him to answer it lol) and poor guy had to come over at 4:30am (and still had to head to work later that day... sorry Josh owes you big time!). Chloe remained asleep thank God as Steve stumbled around packing a bizarre mix of things while we waited for the ambulance (devastatingly we forgot the cameras so were unable to take any photos of our new baby).

The ambulance came and I had an uncomfortable ride to the hospital (do NOT take one of those in labour unless necessary, NOT GOOD!). They rushed me into maternity (bout 5:30 at this point) and they established that I was definitely in labour and was 3cm dilated already. The nurses told me that I would be having my baby that day, and that he would have to stay in the special care nursery for about 4 weeks. As I was in labour I really didn't care what was happening later!!!!!!

The labour was pretty easy and so the midwives mostly left us unsupervised, but made it very clear that we needed to press the emergency buzzer as soon as I entered the 2nd stage (pushing). Just before 8 I needed to pee so asked Steve to get the midwife to disconnect me from the monitoring machines so that I could head to the toilet. He called the midwife in but somehow instead he headed off to pay for the car parking (machines don't operate before 8) while I lay there fuming and feeling increasingly hostile. When he returned I asked him icily "Can I NOW go to the toilet?" and I was unhooked from the machines to finally relieve my bladder! On my way back I was hit by an intense contraction and then a complete panic as I felt my baby heading down and out at a very fast pace!!! I started screaming at Steve "push the buzzer push the buzzer!!!" as I stood at the bed wondering how on earth I would ever get back up there?!  Steve didn't push the buzzer so I angrily did myself (I hadn't seen that the midwife had walked in and rushed off herself to grab the team... oops). Then it seemed like absolute chaos broke loose - they got me up on the bed and I looked up to see a team of 5-6 people watching me waiting for me to push the baby out?!!!! Not surprisingly I suddenly found myself completely incapable of focusing on pushing out a baby. I was very blessed to have a wonderful midwife who made me focus on her and distracted me from all that was happening in the room.

I was on my back but hunched forward and was absolutely gobsmacked to see my baby's head crown and watch my Joshua Aiden enter the world (at 8:21am). A midwife dumped him on my stomach, and I reached my hand down to touch him, but he was immediately snatched up (he was only there while they cut the cord)  and whisked off to a station thing in front of my bed where 5 people awaited to work on him. They shoved the vaccuum down his throat over and over again, and I started asking over and over again "Is he ok?" but no-one would answer me and the midwife (unsuccessfully) tried to distract me from what was happening (as if I could be distracted from my baby?!!). At the 1min mark they did the Agpar check (while continuing to vaccuum his lungs) and I watched as my blue unresponsive baby's hand was lifted up and just dropped lifeless back down. At that moment a growing sense of horror began to build as I realised that maybe he might not be ok. At the 2min mark he finally gave a cry and then continued to cry incessantly for the rest of the short time he was in with me. They wrapped him up, and let me have a short hold, but they had to get him out to the humidicrib for oxygen etc so I had to say goodbye to him, knowing that because I had gastro it'd be 48hrs before I would see him again. 

The next 48hr were a blur for me. I was given photos and videos of my baby, but I could not see the real baby, could not hold the real baby, and had to helplessly rely on others for updates on him. Worst of all was seeing the videos of him in distress as he fought for each breathe, knowing that I was not able to offer him any comfort.

Sunday evening, the night before I had been promised I could finally see my baby, Joshua started to become more distressed with his breathing. He was on the highest oxygen saturation levels allowed for a humidicrib and they said if he didn't improve in the next few hours he would have to be transferred to Monash to be put on a ventilator. I was devastated - my baby might be transferred so far away when I was so close to finally seeing him?!!

Steve got the word out to all our friends and the church, and a lot of prayers went up for him, and his breathing settled and he stayed at Frankston :)

Monday morning arrived and FINALLY I could see my baby boy!!! Steve took me through to the SCN and over to his little humidicrib. He had a big drip in his head, bruises all over his hands where they had been unable to get a drip in, monitors all over him... but he was still absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. He had at this point been unable to have any milk at all because anything in his stomach would have effected his breathing. I was finally able to touch my baby, so stuck my hands through the little holes, only to discover that touch of any kind, not matter how gentle, distressed him. He would jump in fear and shrink away - but I was reassured that it was just because he was early and is common for prem babies to overreact to touch. He was brought out of the crib and I finally got to have a long cuddle with my baby.

The rest of the story is a blur of needles, drips, nasal tubes, expressing milk, losing over 500g of weight to weigh 2.2kg and then the journey of trying to feed him up to reach his birth weight again etc etc... but the short version is that he improved so incredibly quickly that we were able to take him home only 15 days after he was born - 2 weeks earlier than expected by the staff!!!

And that is my boy's story :)