The "Why" behind my study

Holidays are over and I am well and truly snowed under again with uni homework. Once again struggling to find any form of life balance. And once again feeling like I am letting my children and husband down because so much of my time is eaten up by uni and I have so little to give to them. So this blog is a reminder to myself of why I have made this commitment, why on the tough days I get back up and push my overtired brain on and on and on, why it is important enough to me that I will sometimes put my children second (although it kills me to do so).

This journey started over 20 years ago. I was only a child when my heart was first broken by the images on the tv screen - Somalia famine in the early 90s - and it planted a seed. I did what I could (ran a lemonade stall which I don't think made any money at all) which was probably not at all helpful - but it was the beginning of something...

Years later as a very new Christian I then encountered a video that would change my life and my thinking and set some foundational values in my life that make me who I am today. It was called "What Would Jesus Do?" - A World Vision promotional video. I still remember it almost word for word... "1 John 3:17-18 - If you have this world's goods, and you see your brother or your sister in need, and yet you hold onto those goods, how can you say you have the love of Jesus in your heart? Oh, we're an easy talking people - I've got the love of Jesus love of Jesus down in my heart. I've heard it - but it doesn't cut the mustard". "This is the measure on judgement day - I was hungry did you feed me, naked did you clothe me, sick did you minister to me, a stranger did you take me in? But I know what you're going to say - 'Lord, I didn't drink?' 'But I was hungry' says Jesus. 'Lord I didn't curse' 'But I was hungry' says Jesus. 'Lord I didn't see those dirty movies'. But I was hungry, says Jesus." The movie ran with a song I had known since a child, "what would Jesus do?" by Julie Miller, lyrics something along the lines of "not attracted to pleasant places, he was drawn to broken hearts and lonely places. What would Jesus say? What would Jesus do? Where would Jesus go? We've got to go there too. He wants to love them, love them through me and you."

Just a video, but changed my life and cemented in me a fierce determination that I will not pass through this life without doing all within my power to change the injustices in this world. Sure - I cannot possibly by myself change the whole world, but I sure wasn't going to use that as an excuse to do nothing whatsoever.

As the years rolled on that desire to make a difference has not changed. I didn't "grow out of it", I haven't become disillusioned, I haven't given up. There is a parable in the bible, the parable of the talents, and I firmly believe in it. I firmly believe that I was given the opportunities I have been given to use responsibly, not to waste on my own personal leisure. I live in a country where I have opportunity, resources and finances to study and develop a career - so I have used that opportunity to study psychology, knowing that throughout the world there are millions who experience incredible trauma, depression, hopelessness and low perceptions of autonomy as a result of poverty, and for some the indescribably horrific emotional scars as a result of the sex slavery trade and war. And so I am pushing myself to excel in all I do at uni, not for the sake of my own "esteem" but because if I work hard enough I will have more opportunities to develop my skills, and therefore more possibilities in finding a way to alleviate some of the suffering of those who have lived through incredible horrors. And so much as I love my children, and my family, sometimes they have to come second - I am not talking their basic physical and emotional needs aren't met - they are fed clothed loved and I do spend time with them!!! But public holidays and weekends come and at times I am holed up in front of a computer instead of with my family. And school holidays come and other children are off enjoying some wonderful fun leisure activities... while we barely leave the house.


There are lots of other aspects of my journey, but I guess the one that has really stood out to me this year has been the journey of my heart - a journey of learning to love and accept others unconditionally. Not saying I am there yet!! But certainly on a journey there. I have a pretty determined personality, and as a result have always struggled to understand others when they don't behave in ways that I think are "beneficial" for them. Always felt that I would need to "limit" the type of people I work with as I didn't want to work with people who "won't help themselves". I will be honest and admit that I had really limited narrow thinking and understanding of others. This was not confined to strangers either, I found myself constantly frustrated with others who did not live their life the way I thought made sense - I'm not talking Christian vs non-Christian stuff here, more "self-defeating" behaviours, narrow mindedness (yep, bit hypocritical of me!!), inability to admit fault, poor parenting, attention seeking behaviour etc etc etc etc etc!!!!
Over the last few months I have been little bit by little bit processing this. There were many areas of unforgiveness that I had to deal with, relationships that I had "removed" from my life because they were unhealthy, but I had no "peace" about it because my heart still held resentment and judgement. People who I had talked about when their life and choices were none of my business. In particular, I was challenged about a particular situation from a few years ago - this person had "attacked" me publicly, and yes, they were in the wrong and I had not provoked this situation... but... a few weeks ago while fasting God really challenged me about my attitude and response. I had been so busy feeling sorry for myself, playing the victim and being angry that I had never once stopped to seek God, never once prayed for what was happening, never once asked God how to respond and in several years since had never prayed for this person. Ouch... convicted!!! Maybe there was a chance that if I had sought God first there would not be the alienation there is now, and maybe my children could have continued a relationship with this person.
So... bit by bit I have been dealing with the relationship breakdowns in my life, and learning to love accept and forgive.
Only after that was God able to start working on the next layer... I had pictured counselling psychology as a role in which I would pretty much listen, empathise, and then try to get people to live the way I thought they should (I know - naive of me!!!). But no - it is totally different... but so much better than I had pictured!! I will have the incredible privilege of listening, empathising and learning someone else's perspective, of helping them to explore their decisions and "whys" behind their behaviour, of giving them a safe place to express things that may be incredibly disturbing, and even incredibly wrong, and in some cases - being the first person to offer unconditional acceptance regardless of whether their actions and choices are good ones. And for the first time in my life I actually feel like I could be capable of that - of accepting someone who uses drugs and has hurt all those they love because I will have opportunity to look past the behaviour and see the person underneath it all. Of looking past the bizarre behaviour of someone suffering from a significant mental illness because the behaviour is a reflection of their mental illness but not of who they are. Of looking past the physical appearance of anorexia, or a burns victim. Looking past stereotypes of culture, race, age, gender etc. And I can see how incredible my job is going to be, and what a privilege it will be to get to see behind the masks that others rarely are given opportunity to see behind.

This video kind of expresses what I have been unable to quite put into words... it is a reminder to me of all that is similar, all that is common to humankind... a reminder that all of us start out the same, all of us are special and valuable...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSqjb_5cuh0