For better for worse

Our 9th wedding anniversary started at 1:30am with stephen cleaning up vomit because master just-turned-6 had eaten way too much at his party and then eaten pizza after his party... And steve spinning him around in a shopping trolley afterwards for fun probably didn't help either...
Between that vomit, my head cold and migraine, and Steve beginning his day at 5am we haven't had the best nights sleep.
Other than a vaguely mumbled thank you for cleaning up the vomit, and a quick kiss & "your breakfast is just next to you" as he flew out the door for his 14hr work day I have not seen my husband today, and will probably only see him briefly tonight before we head back to bed as we both have hectic days.
And while it isn't ideal, I love that this year our anniversary is not glamorous. This year it is not even romantic. It is filled with the working out of our vows to each other 9 years ago.

For better for worse
We didn't picture monotonous busy non-glamorous days like this when we made this promise to each other. We pictured day after day of Brady bunch like happiness. Endless summers. No fighting, no fatigue, no stresses, no life problems... Just perfection encapsulated in a marriage. We didn't picture the chaotic busy days, dealing with fighting overtired children, days or weeks where it feels like you are just vaguely passing each other's paths because you have too much on, days when every little thing they say just irritates the hell out of you! We didn't know that a few "better" days would make persisting through the "worse" days so very worth it. That there would be days when you cannot imagine being happier or more fulfilled regardless of the fact that the house is a chaotic mess, the kids are fighting and you have toddler snot on the knees of your jeans.

Through sickness and in health.
We didn't picture when we promised this that it would mean sleepless nights taking care of sick children. We didn't picture clean ups. Didn't have any idea in the world how close to insanity you can become when you are sleep deprived night after night with children who aren't sleeping, didn't know how hard a battle it would be to fight for your marriage when you are so tired you are ready to kill at the slightest provocation. Didn't picture the anxious waits for test results, the comfort of a warm body next to you when you're lying there unable to sleep because you are scared, the strength you can find facing health scares when you know that you're not alone in this.

For richer for poorer.
We didn't picture poorer when we promised this. We still thought we were above things like money and finances, that the world was at our feet. We didn't picture 7am-9pm work days leading up to Christmas to hopefully, hopefully, just cover the days off over the holidays. Didn't picture the years we would buy pathetic cheap presents for each other. Didn't picture the intense stress of some unexpected expenses that throw your budget into chaos. We didn't picture having to say no to children, the worry that maybe we have let them down. We didn't realise either just how rich we would be regardless of what material assets we ever own, that we would so easily sacrifice for each other and our children, that our family culture would be more important to us than money ever could be.

Till death do us part.
We didn't know when we promised this how close we would come to breaking this one. How close we would come so many times. Didn't realise how hard marriage was going to be, how you can love someone so much that when they hurt you you can end up so angry that you hate them to the same level that you loved them. Didn't realise how hard the journey ahead of us would be, didn't realise how tough the fight for marriage would be, didn't realise just how much we would have to lay down for the sake of a marriage. We didn't realise how hard forgiveness really is. How hard it is to wipe the record and allow someone to change and grow. How hard it is to let go of your hurts and heal.  Marriage has cost me everything... All my pride, all my dignity, all my strength, all my willpower, all my forgiveness, all my humility... But I have gained EVERYTHING. After years of fighting for a marriage that we weren't sure was worth saving, this year was not a fight, not a struggle... It was... Beautiful. And I have enjoyed every minute of it. I get to do life with my best friend. He knows everything about me and still loves me. He gets me. He listens to me. He encourages me and wants what is best for me. He lays down his life for me, from being there when things go bad, to cleaning up our child's vomit in the early hours of the morning, to giving me a neck massage whenever I have a migraine, to giving me breakfast in bed every morning, to choosing each day to not go back down the path of addiction he once travelled... he lays down his life for me.

And so... While today is far from glamorous... Today I celebrate the monotony and challenges of marriage, and the man by my side who continues to choose to honour his promises to me 9 years ago.
I love you Stephen xx

love never fails

I have had one of those random weeks where God has somehow tied together several random things to speak to me... and I have felt very challenged as I examined my heart and motivations, but also released from perfectionism, as I realised that it isn't what or how I do it that matters, but the heart behind it that matters!
And I wanted to share it because sometimes getting back to the basic foundations of things can be such a release, so if it can be of encouragement for someone other than just myself then it is worth sharing!

 

1 Cor 13 "If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."

Easy to read this and feel somewhat immune - it is easy to assume I'm a loving person because I love those I surround myself with.

But, when you put 1 Corinthians 13 WITH 1 Thes 1:3, a slightly clearer image emerges...

1 Thes 1:3 "We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ."

We serve God out of faith & love for Him & others, not out of ambition, duty, or to fulfill our own emotional needs... Faith in God inspires us to step out of our comfort zone because we believe in God's promises, we believe in the urgency of the gospel message, and so we put our head down & do whatever he asks. Love inspires us to keep going, to work hard, again to do whatever it takes, because we love him & respond to what his heart cares for, & because our love & compassion for his sheep, including his lost sheep, stirs our heart. We endure because we are inspired by the hope Jesus has given us - the hope of his return & all that will bring helps us push through trials and challenges, rejection and disappointment.

Easy to think I am acting in love, but IS everything really truly motivated by love, faith and hope?

When witnessing to others, does it come purely out of hope and love for them, that they will find themselves in the loving arms of their father? Or does it come out of a need to be right, or a desire to judge and feel superior, or a desire to debate theology?

When seeking that preaching/teaching opportunity, does what is said come out of love, out of a deep desire to see them connected to their father and living a transformed life? Or does it in fact come out of a desire to be seen as wise and insightful, to have an opportunity to tell people what I think they need to do better (and the sense of superiority that comes with that)?

When giving a prophetic word or praying for someone's healing, is it inspired by love and hope for their future? Or by the desire to be seen as super spiritual?

When serving is it out of love that I respond to a need? Or to be seen as someone who sacrifices lots to help out? Or for the thanks and praise for a job well done?

I'm thinking that not only just asking these questions and examining what motivates in any area of serving or responding to God is important... But also looking at my life in general??

So - If I truly love, I don't just love when it seems a "spiritual" moment to do so... When I truly love I live an open and generous life - if I am only outward focused when preaching, teaching, prophesying, praying, serving, witnessing etc, then I've missed out big time, because a lifestyle of loving others opens doors that no amount of "giftings" or human efforts can: people respond more openly when they know you love them and care about their wellbeing. It's why we learn to be open to all our Father has for us - because we realise he loves us and wants what is good for us... If we can reflect that then they will respond to what God wants to do THROUGH us! If we do not love, then we will be slogging our way in an uphill battle because we limit what God can do through us because people will shut their hearts around us.

A letter to my daughters

I know that they are both too young to read this yet and it will be many years before I give this letter to them... But it was on my heart and I am hoping by sharing this it will be an encouragement to other parents too...

To my daughters Chloe Renee & Sienna Elise,

It is a sunny winter's day and right now you are playing with your brother at being pirates, although sienna you are apparently a mermaid pirate because being a pirate doesn't appeal to you. I can hear plenty of "aaaarh" and plenty of fighting too as you sail on your boat made of chairs and the broom handle with pj shorts as a flag, with the paper treasure map you created together and pirate hats (and tied up blankets) on your heads. And as you play together so nicely I wonder about the future, and about the young ladies you are now, and the young women you will be in the future, and I wanted to write you a letter for one day when you both begin the transition from girlhood to womanhood.

My beautiful girls, I want you to know first off how much you are loved and cherished by your dad and I, and how incredibly proud we already are of you both. Even at this young age you bring us so much joy, you both have your own unique place in our hearts for forever. I wish things could stay exactly like they are right now always and that I could guard you from every negative influence there is out there, but I know that you are going to need to grow and learn how to face tough times, negative influences and learn things for yourselves so that you can grow to be strong mature and capable women yourselves... But oh how I wish I could shelter you forever!!!!

My daughters, this world is going to try to sell you short. As women this world will try to teach you that your worth is measured completely by how "hot" you are, that your value as a woman is solely defined by how much you are desired by men, by your appearance. This world will make you feel at times that your intelligence, your views, your inner strength, your heart and compassion for others, your abilities in a profession, and the many other strengths you have are worth nothing in comparison to looking and behaving a certain way - that certain way in actual fact being nothing other than degrading who you are as a woman. By the time you enter adulthood you will have been exposed to thousands of advertisements, music videos, magazine images, Internet sites, movies, tv shows, and the like that will present you with images of women who are the "ideal", images of women whose lives revolve completely around looking a certain way, and even then have "required" airbrushing to be "presentable".

I want you to know that your value is not at all tied up in the way you appear. I know there will be many days where you will struggle to believe in yourself, but I want you to know that there is no one else out there who can be the person you are - your personality, experiences, giftings, strengths, even your weaknesses, all work together to create you - and no one else can bring the same perspective as you do. When you get to the end of your life there will be people whose lives you have touched and changed in ways that no one else could have. There will be new things that you have created that no one else could have. There will be new ideas, new vision, new insights that only you could have brought. There will be so many people who are grateful for the presence you had in their life. Youth and beauty will fade, and when you die no one will reflect on how you appeared, what will last is WHO you were, what you can pass on to future generations is far greater than a couple of beauty tips.

I know there will also be days when you will fear that unless you look and behave a certain way you will not find a man who will love you. Totally not true. Any man who needs you to look a certain way in order to love you does not deserve you. The only man who deserves to marry you is the one who loves and values you for WHO you are, not how you appear. And while at times it will feel like there are no men out there like that, as a mother I have watched many friends bringing up sons who I know are learning that there are more important things to a woman than her appearance... Don't let fear cause you to settle for less than you are worth, hang in there for one of those men who have been brought up to value a woman for who she is. One of the wisest pieces of advise I was given as a young woman was that if I use my body to attract a man, I will attract a man who cares about my body. If instead I allow the person I am, and my character, to be the attributes that stand out, I will attract a man who cares about who I am.

Remember that I will always be here for you, always believe in you, and always fight for you. I love you both so much.

The "Why" behind my study

Holidays are over and I am well and truly snowed under again with uni homework. Once again struggling to find any form of life balance. And once again feeling like I am letting my children and husband down because so much of my time is eaten up by uni and I have so little to give to them. So this blog is a reminder to myself of why I have made this commitment, why on the tough days I get back up and push my overtired brain on and on and on, why it is important enough to me that I will sometimes put my children second (although it kills me to do so).

This journey started over 20 years ago. I was only a child when my heart was first broken by the images on the tv screen - Somalia famine in the early 90s - and it planted a seed. I did what I could (ran a lemonade stall which I don't think made any money at all) which was probably not at all helpful - but it was the beginning of something...

Years later as a very new Christian I then encountered a video that would change my life and my thinking and set some foundational values in my life that make me who I am today. It was called "What Would Jesus Do?" - A World Vision promotional video. I still remember it almost word for word... "1 John 3:17-18 - If you have this world's goods, and you see your brother or your sister in need, and yet you hold onto those goods, how can you say you have the love of Jesus in your heart? Oh, we're an easy talking people - I've got the love of Jesus love of Jesus down in my heart. I've heard it - but it doesn't cut the mustard". "This is the measure on judgement day - I was hungry did you feed me, naked did you clothe me, sick did you minister to me, a stranger did you take me in? But I know what you're going to say - 'Lord, I didn't drink?' 'But I was hungry' says Jesus. 'Lord I didn't curse' 'But I was hungry' says Jesus. 'Lord I didn't see those dirty movies'. But I was hungry, says Jesus." The movie ran with a song I had known since a child, "what would Jesus do?" by Julie Miller, lyrics something along the lines of "not attracted to pleasant places, he was drawn to broken hearts and lonely places. What would Jesus say? What would Jesus do? Where would Jesus go? We've got to go there too. He wants to love them, love them through me and you."

Just a video, but changed my life and cemented in me a fierce determination that I will not pass through this life without doing all within my power to change the injustices in this world. Sure - I cannot possibly by myself change the whole world, but I sure wasn't going to use that as an excuse to do nothing whatsoever.

As the years rolled on that desire to make a difference has not changed. I didn't "grow out of it", I haven't become disillusioned, I haven't given up. There is a parable in the bible, the parable of the talents, and I firmly believe in it. I firmly believe that I was given the opportunities I have been given to use responsibly, not to waste on my own personal leisure. I live in a country where I have opportunity, resources and finances to study and develop a career - so I have used that opportunity to study psychology, knowing that throughout the world there are millions who experience incredible trauma, depression, hopelessness and low perceptions of autonomy as a result of poverty, and for some the indescribably horrific emotional scars as a result of the sex slavery trade and war. And so I am pushing myself to excel in all I do at uni, not for the sake of my own "esteem" but because if I work hard enough I will have more opportunities to develop my skills, and therefore more possibilities in finding a way to alleviate some of the suffering of those who have lived through incredible horrors. And so much as I love my children, and my family, sometimes they have to come second - I am not talking their basic physical and emotional needs aren't met - they are fed clothed loved and I do spend time with them!!! But public holidays and weekends come and at times I am holed up in front of a computer instead of with my family. And school holidays come and other children are off enjoying some wonderful fun leisure activities... while we barely leave the house.


There are lots of other aspects of my journey, but I guess the one that has really stood out to me this year has been the journey of my heart - a journey of learning to love and accept others unconditionally. Not saying I am there yet!! But certainly on a journey there. I have a pretty determined personality, and as a result have always struggled to understand others when they don't behave in ways that I think are "beneficial" for them. Always felt that I would need to "limit" the type of people I work with as I didn't want to work with people who "won't help themselves". I will be honest and admit that I had really limited narrow thinking and understanding of others. This was not confined to strangers either, I found myself constantly frustrated with others who did not live their life the way I thought made sense - I'm not talking Christian vs non-Christian stuff here, more "self-defeating" behaviours, narrow mindedness (yep, bit hypocritical of me!!), inability to admit fault, poor parenting, attention seeking behaviour etc etc etc etc etc!!!!
Over the last few months I have been little bit by little bit processing this. There were many areas of unforgiveness that I had to deal with, relationships that I had "removed" from my life because they were unhealthy, but I had no "peace" about it because my heart still held resentment and judgement. People who I had talked about when their life and choices were none of my business. In particular, I was challenged about a particular situation from a few years ago - this person had "attacked" me publicly, and yes, they were in the wrong and I had not provoked this situation... but... a few weeks ago while fasting God really challenged me about my attitude and response. I had been so busy feeling sorry for myself, playing the victim and being angry that I had never once stopped to seek God, never once prayed for what was happening, never once asked God how to respond and in several years since had never prayed for this person. Ouch... convicted!!! Maybe there was a chance that if I had sought God first there would not be the alienation there is now, and maybe my children could have continued a relationship with this person.
So... bit by bit I have been dealing with the relationship breakdowns in my life, and learning to love accept and forgive.
Only after that was God able to start working on the next layer... I had pictured counselling psychology as a role in which I would pretty much listen, empathise, and then try to get people to live the way I thought they should (I know - naive of me!!!). But no - it is totally different... but so much better than I had pictured!! I will have the incredible privilege of listening, empathising and learning someone else's perspective, of helping them to explore their decisions and "whys" behind their behaviour, of giving them a safe place to express things that may be incredibly disturbing, and even incredibly wrong, and in some cases - being the first person to offer unconditional acceptance regardless of whether their actions and choices are good ones. And for the first time in my life I actually feel like I could be capable of that - of accepting someone who uses drugs and has hurt all those they love because I will have opportunity to look past the behaviour and see the person underneath it all. Of looking past the bizarre behaviour of someone suffering from a significant mental illness because the behaviour is a reflection of their mental illness but not of who they are. Of looking past the physical appearance of anorexia, or a burns victim. Looking past stereotypes of culture, race, age, gender etc. And I can see how incredible my job is going to be, and what a privilege it will be to get to see behind the masks that others rarely are given opportunity to see behind.

This video kind of expresses what I have been unable to quite put into words... it is a reminder to me of all that is similar, all that is common to humankind... a reminder that all of us start out the same, all of us are special and valuable...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSqjb_5cuh0