Body image

Today I was thinking about how much my daughter loves her barbie dolls, and how some mothers actually feel that Barbie dolls contribute to poor body image, and it started me contemplating what the key factors that have contributed to my body image are....

I came to the conclusion that I have never looked at a barbie and wished I looked like her, and wanted to lose weight or anything like that... she was always just a doll to me, just the same as I never looked at my teddy and wished I was furry, or looked at my baby dolls and wished I was a baby again. Yes, I used her to act out my imaginings of being a grown up, but to be honest, she just never seemed to fit what I really pictured REAL LIFE to be, she didn't REALLY seem like a mum, or someone who would really get married etc... she was IMAGINARY to me... so never made it as someone I ever planned to model myself on.

So where did my insecurities in my body image come from?

The first time I remember even being conscious of my body was when I was in my first year of school... so 5... and an older boy in the playground taunted me that I was fat. I honestly believed him and felt heartbroken and a strong sense of shame about being fat. I told my parents that I was fat, but it didn't matter how many times they told me that the boy was wrong, and that I was not fat, my inner conviction that I WAS fat could not be altered. Looking back on photos I can easily see that I WAS NOT AT ALL fat, and that this boy probably just liked to say silly things to other kids... but at the time, the damage was done because a child does not have the cognitive ability to process things like that!! This is me in my first year of school...

Yeah, really fat huh?? Anyway, the next memory I have regarding body image is more to do with eating, which obviously is closely linked with body image...
Each year my parents would travel back to Melbourne (we were living in Perth back then) for a conference, and John and I would stay with different families for that week. I had a food intolerance to wheat, particularly wholegrain wheat, which at the time we didn't know was an intolerance, but my parents knew that I did not eat any bread other than white, and that was ok. The family I stayed with (a beautiful family) felt differently and expected me to eat the same food as their kids. So each day for the week I would be sent to school with a wholegrain bread sandwich, which I would throw in the bin. I would come home ravenous, and eat lots for dinner. One of those days (I was maybe 9?) I overheard a conversation with the oldest sister who was a teenager and who I looked up to very much, which went something along the lines of "when is she leaving? She eats too much". And there developed an instant phobia about eating too much food in front of people...

By the time I hit high school I was already obsessed with weight. I grew about 12cm in my first year of high school, but despite that growth kept a constant eye on my weight because I wanted to keep it down to 45kg. I skipped breakfast regularly, threw my lunch in the bin regularly (although this was not all body image related, I was not aware until I was 20 that I had food intolerances, and the sick feeling eating often gave me meant I was not keen on eating during the day), but still gained weight, and was very upset to hit 50kg and not be able to make that number go back down. In my mind, I was not thin enough, and even though I earned myself the nickname at school "anorexic giraffe" all that did was make me more paranoid about eating in front of others, and very paranoid about my height, and more ashamed of my body image. It did not stop me from dieting. (I should mention here that I was NOT anorexic - I would quite happily come home from school and consume half the pantry and for a couple of years ate more at dinner than anyone else... I was going through a massive growth stage!!!)

At no point in any of these times do I remember comparing myself to tv stars, magazines, barbie dolls or even other girls in my class... I just remember being self-conscious and awkward!

Anyway, as I grew older the obsession became a little less intense... I became a little more comfortable in my own skin, and after a boy I was sort of dating told me I was too skinny and needed more curves I actually reversed my eating and started putting weight on (to my mother's horror as she would see me piling cream into my milos)... so obviously still didn't have a great body image lol.

As I hit my 20s my body image discovered a new "hurdle"... boob size. This is the first time in my life I actually remember looking at magazines, tv stars and other people and feeling bad about the way I looked... not because of my weight (I was actually extremely happy with my weight by then thanks to my stomach problems causing major weight loss) but now because I was not "sexy" enough. I started to wonder how long it would take me to save up for a boob job, and even did some research on it all. It felt like everywhere I looked there were girls who were prettier, sexier, bigger, more tanned, better hair... just plain better than me. Knowing that these girls have been photoshopped, enhanced etc etc did not make a difference. For the first time in my life I had an intense desire to look like THEM.

Anyway, this obsession lasted a long time, and ended with my first pregnancy. I got to experience bigger boobs and decided I would rather not have those to deal with anymore!!! And even though for days after I had my Chloe I cried because I was convinced I would never look good again, once I started to heal up I actually felt the most comfortable I ever had with the way I looked. I was aware that I had post-baby weight to lose, but the awareness that that was NORMAL made me feel so at ease.

So now where am I at with body image... I will admit I still don't have a perfect body image. I still do worry about weight, but I no longer want anything ridiculous, I just want to lose that last little bit of post-baby body and start toning up. I actually want to be fit and healthy MORE than I want to be sexy and skinny. I am confident in the fact that my man thinks I'm beautiful and hot just the way I am... stretch marks and all!!! I still struggle a bit with eating in front of people, but I have made massive progress with that and it is really only when it is "shared" food now that I struggle.

Anyway, I'm a little apprehensive about sharing this blog, it feels so incredibly personal and raw, but at the same time, I am so aware that every woman battles with body image, and I am hoping that my honesty about my own struggles will somehow encourage or help another woman...