Wednesday, April 24, 2013
The "Why" behind my study
Holidays are over and I am well and truly snowed under again with uni homework. Once again struggling to find any form of life balance. And once again feeling like I am letting my children and husband down because so much of my time is eaten up by uni and I have so little to give to them. So this blog is a reminder to myself of why I have made this commitment, why on the tough days I get back up and push my overtired brain on and on and on, why it is important enough to me that I will sometimes put my children second (although it kills me to do so).
This journey started over 20 years ago. I was only a child when my heart was first broken by the images on the tv screen - Somalia famine in the early 90s - and it planted a seed. I did what I could (ran a lemonade stall which I don't think made any money at all) which was probably not at all helpful - but it was the beginning of something...
Years later as a very new Christian I then encountered a video that would change my life and my thinking and set some foundational values in my life that make me who I am today. It was called "What Would Jesus Do?" - A World Vision promotional video. I still remember it almost word for word... "1 John 3:17-18 - If you have this world's goods, and you see your brother or your sister in need, and yet you hold onto those goods, how can you say you have the love of Jesus in your heart? Oh, we're an easy talking people - I've got the love of Jesus love of Jesus down in my heart. I've heard it - but it doesn't cut the mustard". "This is the measure on judgement day - I was hungry did you feed me, naked did you clothe me, sick did you minister to me, a stranger did you take me in? But I know what you're going to say - 'Lord, I didn't drink?' 'But I was hungry' says Jesus. 'Lord I didn't curse' 'But I was hungry' says Jesus. 'Lord I didn't see those dirty movies'. But I was hungry, says Jesus." The movie ran with a song I had known since a child, "what would Jesus do?" by Julie Miller, lyrics something along the lines of "not attracted to pleasant places, he was drawn to broken hearts and lonely places. What would Jesus say? What would Jesus do? Where would Jesus go? We've got to go there too. He wants to love them, love them through me and you."
Just a video, but changed my life and cemented in me a fierce determination that I will not pass through this life without doing all within my power to change the injustices in this world. Sure - I cannot possibly by myself change the whole world, but I sure wasn't going to use that as an excuse to do nothing whatsoever.
As the years rolled on that desire to make a difference has not changed. I didn't "grow out of it", I haven't become disillusioned, I haven't given up. There is a parable in the bible, the parable of the talents, and I firmly believe in it. I firmly believe that I was given the opportunities I have been given to use responsibly, not to waste on my own personal leisure. I live in a country where I have opportunity, resources and finances to study and develop a career - so I have used that opportunity to study psychology, knowing that throughout the world there are millions who experience incredible trauma, depression, hopelessness and low perceptions of autonomy as a result of poverty, and for some the indescribably horrific emotional scars as a result of the sex slavery trade and war. And so I am pushing myself to excel in all I do at uni, not for the sake of my own "esteem" but because if I work hard enough I will have more opportunities to develop my skills, and therefore more possibilities in finding a way to alleviate some of the suffering of those who have lived through incredible horrors. And so much as I love my children, and my family, sometimes they have to come second - I am not talking their basic physical and emotional needs aren't met - they are fed clothed loved and I do spend time with them!!! But public holidays and weekends come and at times I am holed up in front of a computer instead of with my family. And school holidays come and other children are off enjoying some wonderful fun leisure activities... while we barely leave the house.
There are lots of other aspects of my journey, but I guess the one that has really stood out to me this year has been the journey of my heart - a journey of learning to love and accept others unconditionally. Not saying I am there yet!! But certainly on a journey there. I have a pretty determined personality, and as a result have always struggled to understand others when they don't behave in ways that I think are "beneficial" for them. Always felt that I would need to "limit" the type of people I work with as I didn't want to work with people who "won't help themselves". I will be honest and admit that I had really limited narrow thinking and understanding of others. This was not confined to strangers either, I found myself constantly frustrated with others who did not live their life the way I thought made sense - I'm not talking Christian vs non-Christian stuff here, more "self-defeating" behaviours, narrow mindedness (yep, bit hypocritical of me!!), inability to admit fault, poor parenting, attention seeking behaviour etc etc etc etc etc!!!!
Over the last few months I have been little bit by little bit processing this. There were many areas of unforgiveness that I had to deal with, relationships that I had "removed" from my life because they were unhealthy, but I had no "peace" about it because my heart still held resentment and judgement. People who I had talked about when their life and choices were none of my business. In particular, I was challenged about a particular situation from a few years ago - this person had "attacked" me publicly, and yes, they were in the wrong and I had not provoked this situation... but... a few weeks ago while fasting God really challenged me about my attitude and response. I had been so busy feeling sorry for myself, playing the victim and being angry that I had never once stopped to seek God, never once prayed for what was happening, never once asked God how to respond and in several years since had never prayed for this person. Ouch... convicted!!! Maybe there was a chance that if I had sought God first there would not be the alienation there is now, and maybe my children could have continued a relationship with this person.
So... bit by bit I have been dealing with the relationship breakdowns in my life, and learning to love accept and forgive.
Only after that was God able to start working on the next layer... I had pictured counselling psychology as a role in which I would pretty much listen, empathise, and then try to get people to live the way I thought they should (I know - naive of me!!!). But no - it is totally different... but so much better than I had pictured!! I will have the incredible privilege of listening, empathising and learning someone else's perspective, of helping them to explore their decisions and "whys" behind their behaviour, of giving them a safe place to express things that may be incredibly disturbing, and even incredibly wrong, and in some cases - being the first person to offer unconditional acceptance regardless of whether their actions and choices are good ones. And for the first time in my life I actually feel like I could be capable of that - of accepting someone who uses drugs and has hurt all those they love because I will have opportunity to look past the behaviour and see the person underneath it all. Of looking past the bizarre behaviour of someone suffering from a significant mental illness because the behaviour is a reflection of their mental illness but not of who they are. Of looking past the physical appearance of anorexia, or a burns victim. Looking past stereotypes of culture, race, age, gender etc. And I can see how incredible my job is going to be, and what a privilege it will be to get to see behind the masks that others rarely are given opportunity to see behind.
This video kind of expresses what I have been unable to quite put into words... it is a reminder to me of all that is similar, all that is common to humankind... a reminder that all of us start out the same, all of us are special and valuable...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSqjb_5cuh0
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Family Values Review time...
At the start of each New Year, Steve & I take the time to review our family values, assess how we are going, and make changes accordingly. I have been rereading "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families" over the last couple of weeks, and mulling over many things. I decided to attempt to put into words ALL that I have been thinking over, and am hoping by writing it down I will not only have some coherence to my thoughts, but maybe others will have some ideas and input into what we are trying to achieve... so here goes...
As I have been thinking about our children, their strengths and their areas I am concerned about, I have discovered that I need to make a big change in parenting style.
I started out with certain notions about parenting, but somewhere along the lines I swapped all those notions for the EASY road... the "Just do it because I said so, just do it before
Whilst my children are really quite well behaved, when thinking about my eldest, Chloe, I realised that my greatest concern is that she is incredibly compliant and as she grows older and has to withstand peer pressure etc this could have some significant consequences. She has been compliant as long as I've known her, she has always been a really placid little thing, but regardless of personality I had to really think over everything we could possibly do to encourage her to become more assertive. And that was when I realised that my parenting style was not allowing her to make her own decisions. But while I recognised this, I also did not want to go to the other extreme where my child learnt no boundaries and lacked respect for self and others, something I have seen way too many times.
So we are starting to trial a middle ground: We are trying to cut down on unnecessary rules and stick to those that are in line with our family values. We have discussed those values with our children and they understand and agree with them, and have helped verbalise some standards THEY would like in our home. In the moment they do not necessarily care about the values anymore (eg - when asked to tidy up their toys so they are looking after their things, they do not always care anymore about that value), and so there are consequences... but not threats, warnings etc. It is something simple and straightforward, such as "Clean your toys up before dinner please because we look after our things", and then no dinner is on the table until they have tidied up. But the difference now is that they agree with the value even if at that time they don't FEEL like it. It's still a work in progress, and we still need to fine tune better ways of encouraging cooperative behaviour, so any suggestions would be very welcome!!
Anyway, onto our family values... We have 5 Family Values, however we are going to add 1 more in as a "core" value, still working on the wording... "No empty seats" or "Nobody gets left behind" (Lilo & Stitch hehe) are 2 options... basically our core value is trying to express the idea that no matter what happens, no matter what someone does, no matter what fights etc may happen, we do not ever want to harbour resentment or anger or judgement towards others in our family... there are no empty seats in our home, our family members are ALWAYS welcome no matter what they do. We want our children to know that they are loved unconditionally no matter what may come in life, and that they are ALWAYS our children.
We are in the middle of "redefining" more clearly what each value means to us as a family, so what I write here is what the kids helped us come up with (but reworded in more adult language). Steve & I have yet to both consider what it means to us, and then put it into one overall definition.
Our first family value is: Love God. Meaning: Care about God, worship God, talk to God, Pray for others, go to church, seek God on decision, seek God when in trouble, trust God, be thankful and read God's word.
Some of the ways we try to integrate this value into our life:
* Thank God for each meal, and pray at night with our children, as well as praying as a couple before bed
* When we go to church we are there to participate in church. While the kids may not wish to sing etc, they still can participate by listening and being present in that moment. We are amazed at how this simple concept has been such an integral part of Joshua's growth in his spirituality. Whilst he rarely sings at church, he comes home singing songs he's heard only once, and he has such a heart for worshipping God. If we brought books or toys for him for this time at church I do not believe we would have seen so much growth.
* We have a family devotion book, as well as individual devotion books for the 2 older children, Sienna we can read bible stories to as she is not old enough to discuss concepts.
* When we see an ambulance with siren going we immediately stop what we are doing to pray for that person (ok except for once when Josh wanted to stop and pray in the middle of a medical appointment!!!)
* We are learning to seek God in all our decisions, something that we've never really done on the "smaller" things before, only on big changes. By doing this we are hoping to teach our children that by asking God first we seek His protection and blessings.
* We play lots of Christian music in our home and give our children opportunity to worship God and hear God's voice
2nd Family Value: Honour others. It is important to us that our home is a safe place, and that our children grow up with an internal ability to respect others. The children helped us to come up with these definitions for honour others: Include others, talk nicely, be gentle and respectful, care about others, listen to them, it's ok for others to have a different opinion and we can respect that, God made all people equal regardless of race, gender, choices they have made and past history they are still His child, God made all people unique and their unique personality and gifts are important.
Some of the ways we try to integrate this into our life:
* apologising when in the wrong
* not talking rudely to others (and for Steve & I we are working on not raising our voices at the kids)
* no hitting and fighting (kids are struggling with this one lol)
* Including every family member in discussion
* If you need space you can play alone, but you cannot play with 1 sibling and exclude the other
* I am working very hard at that taming that little "inner bitch" in me that can be critical of others
* Learning to express emotions in an appropriate manner, not lashing out and hurting others in the process
* Helping our children's developing sense of empathy by reflecting that within stories as well as real life situations (ie - oh, look at his face in this story, how do you think he feels? Or, "If he had excluded you from the game, like you did just then, how do you think you would have felt?").
* Encouraging them when others act in hurtful ways at school etc that they can learn from it and behave in different ways to that person.
3rd Family Value: Have Fun: We strongly believe that taking the time to recharge the batteries, rest up, have some playtime and some fun, and humour and the ability to laugh are ESSENTIAL to life. So: Laughing, jokes, funny faces, getting out and about, spending time together, holidays, 1 on 1 time etc etc etc are part of our normal family life.
Some of the ways we try to integrate this into our life:
* being "Crazy"
* Sat morning fry up for breakfast and trying to keep this time free of commitments when possible so we can relax and enjoy a morning together
* 1 family holiday a year
* 1 on 1 time for each child with 1 parent each month (alternating)
* Getting out and about whenever we can, be that a bike ride, a walk, trip to the park, beach, swimming pool, snow, cafe with play centre etc etc
* Developing a good "British" sense of humour through shows such as Mr Bean, Sotoy & Sweep.
4th Family Value: Encourage Others: We wanted our family to be a place where people didn't just feel respected and valued... but walked away feeling encouraged and capable.
So: Cheer others on when they need support, praise others for a job well done, serve others in little ways, give positive contructive praise... summed up as a general attitude of "I'm on your team!!!"
We try to integrate this by:
* Praising our children when they do their best
* Random times when we each say something we like about a particular family member (in their presence)
* Encouraging them when they are nervous or discouraged at something they are attempting
5th Family Value: Responsibility: Our ultimate goal as parents is to have independent children who are capable of looking after themselves...
So: Be a good steward of our time, resources and belongings, if we are given a job follow through, do my best, if I need help with something I'm responsible for ASK, be responsible for what I say and my actions.
We try to integrate this by:
* our children each have jobs that are their responsibility only. If they do not complete their jobs they do not get pocket money as they have not responsibly participated in our family that week
* Packing school bags is child's responsibility - I will ask them once to pack an item, if they do not get up and do that then they will have to face the consequences at school (I will take their lunch in though if they forget it - I'm not cruel!!)
* Reminding them when they say/act inappropriately that they are not responsible for other's actions, but need to be responsibly for what THEY do
* Verbalising our own responsibilities - "I can't play right now, I have to hang the washing out - that's MY job" "I have to mow the lawn this morning before I can play guitar - the lawns are MY job".
* Toys must be packed up at end of day, as well as throughout day when asked, because we need to look after our things
* When rough with furniture reminded that if it is broken, we have to find money to replace it, and that means we miss out on fun activities.
* As we are renting, we sometimes discuss with the kids "I have to clean this, it isn't ours and so we need to be extra careful and look after it REALLY well"
WOW that was a long post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No wonder I felt I was struggling to get my head around everything??!!!
Please if you have any suggestions after reading our values of ways we can integrate them then do suggest them!!! We are really trying to be more focused this year with our parenting as if we can make it a natural part of our culture half our work is already done for us!!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
when I was a kid...
Something that has really really been bothering me lately are the huge changes in parenting over the years. Now, I'm not an expert, so as you read my post please understand that these are my reflections from my perspective, and I am in no way trying to criticise other parents, I am just stating an observation... only time will tell what long-term effects (or lack of long-term effects) modern parenting will have on children and what others choose for their children are their own business. I don't care what others do (well other than when you are talking about parenting that is clearly abusive or going to have clear negative long term implications for a child), but it does bother me that parents look at me sometimes as if I am crazy to parent the way I do and yet in comparison to some previous generations what I do is sooooo tame?!
When I was a kid only the minority of kids had a birthday each year. And when there was a birthday party there was generally a handful of kids invited, not the whole class. Parties in which the entire class were invited were a rarity!
When I was a kid birthday cakes were usually straight out of the Women's weekly cake book. Unless you had a Maccas party... then you had icecream cake with sprinkles.
When I was a kid my mother was more protective than others. Other kids rode their bikes around the streets and disappeared for hours. We rode ours around the court only. We were not the average.
When I was a kid playgrounds were awesomely "dangerous". The seesaws went THUMP and the point of them was to try to get the other person to fly up in the air! And yes I was winded on a seesaw. Monkey bars broke multiple arms. There were these awesome spinning things that you hung onto that bobbed up and down in the air as they swung in a full circle. There were trees to climb. We all copped a few footys in the face. And our parents did not follow us around every item at the playground.
When I was a kid parents were (a little too!!) relaxed about seatbelts in the event you had an extra person to fit into the car and not enough seatbelts. As long as you bobbed down far enough that the cops wouldn't see you you were fine.
I lived too far away from school to walk to school... but hey, when I was a kid parents didn't fret over their kids walking to school. Even preps could be dropped off in the school carpark to find their own way to their classroom (and we didn't get lost!!). And when my mum was a kid they would walk in from miles away to get to school. And when my grandma was a kid her and her brothers would be packed onto the back of a horse and rode that in for miles to get to school!!!
When I was a kid it was ok to leave your kid in the car while you ran into the shops to get a few things (provided it wasn't too hot and the doors were locked).
When I was a kid disappointments were a normal part of life. If you missed a party or a sleepover coz you were sick, it was disappointing but you just had to deal with it. If you didn't win a competition or top a test well that's just how that worked out. If you desperately wanted a new bike or toy of some kind and your parents had no money, you were told so and you had to revise your dreams because money is a fact of life that you have to learn at some point.
When I was a kid we were not rewarded for basic good behaviour. Respect for others was an expectation not an extraordinary effort on your part. If you were told off by a stranger you then copped it from a parent too rather than the stranger copping it from your parent.
When I was a kid I was given opportunities to learn from my mistakes. I learned the rules of gravity first hand. I learned that money has to be earned, and that although I am equal to others, I may not always have the same resources or opportunities as others but that's ok because I need to focus on what resources and opportunities I do have. I learned that my behaviour towards others has consequences. I learned that there are boundaries that when crossed have big consequences for my life. I learned that no matter how I may have felt at the time, sometimes parents or others DO know better than me. I learned to fight fair. I learned that I cannot simply have everything in life that I want - and some things in life I will want and never have. I learned to deal with that!!! I learned to deal with the fact that sometimes life isn't fair, that sometimes things happen that I cannot control and that my parents cannot click their fingers and rescue me from ALL situations because sometimes that is not possible. I learned resilience. I learned independence. I learned perseverance. I learned discipline.
And sometimes I can't help but wonder if my children's generation are going to be given opportunities to learn the same.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Joshua's birth journey
I wrote Chloe's birth story down last year, and now that I am on a break I think I better write down Joshua's story before I forget it! I'm getting old ;)
Joshua's journey starts back early in 2007....
Chloe was roughly 7 months old when I came down with some kind of virus that made me feel extremely tired and nauseaus. After 2 weeks with this virus I decided it was time to visit the doctor to find out what the deal was!!! Knowing that the first thing they would want to rule out was pregnancy I decided to conduct a pregnancy test first - we had had a lot of trouble falling pregnant with Chloe, so I figured my natural tendency to not fall pregnant combined with breastfeeding would make this extraordinarily unlikely but hey... better to buy the test than waste time at the doctors. So, I took the test... and lo and behold it was positive!!!!!! THAT explained the fatigue nausea and extremely low supply of breastmilk!!!! I had absolutely no clue whatsoever as to how pregnant I would be so we had an ultrasound which dated me for being due 23rd January 2008 (Chloe would be 15 months). We were a little surprised but over the moon!!
I had a completely smooth easy pregnancy, no problems, no issues!! At 20 weeks we had a scan and found out we were 99% likely having a boy!! After much debate we finally settled on a name, and started buying bits and pieces of boys clothing etc.
From about 30 weeks I started having intense Braxton Hicks contractions. I was quite concerned by them but was reassured by the doctor that my first being born early was random but not at all likely to happen again with the 2nd, and then the midwife told me I was just being a sulk and that she finds way too many 2nd time mums are oversensitive about aches and pains
Late November we moved out of our tiny 2 bedroom shoe box into a 3 bedroom place to make room for our new addition. We decided to move early to ensure that Chloe had time to adjust to that first change before the next big change!
Couple of weeks later I was 34 weeks... on Monday 9th December Chloe became violently ill with some kind of nasty gastro. She spent 2 days awake all night vomiting... and so I spent 2 nights awake with her cleaning up and trying to settle her. Not at all fun when you are feeling big and fat and pregnant and tired!!! Wednesday she finally picked up and we had her cousins over to play (who had also been sick with the gastro). Thursday morning my mum and youngest 2 brothers dropped in to say goodbye on the way to their holiday in Venus Bay. Normally they took their holidays in January but given I was due late January and had been early with Chloe, they had decided to holiday early so they could be around for the birth. I joked around telling mum I would call when the baby was born - she wasn't too impressed at that idea! Later that day Chloe fell ill again so once again I was up all night with her. Friday my dad left for Venus Bay too (as he had had some work to finish up first). Friday evening I began to feel dizzy and nauseaus myself. Before long I was vomiting, and was so sick I could barely lift my head and needed help to make it to the toilet. Later that evening (about 11pm) I started to have regular but gentle contractions. I mentioned them to Steve and we ummed and ahhhed over them for some time before deciding to call my mum to let her know she should leave her phone on just in case. Steve then decided "hey let's pray and if the contractions haven't stopped in 5min we will call the hospital. So he prayed, and he fell asleep within 2min so I ignored the gentle squeezing contractions and fell asleep in no time at all.
4am (sat morning) I woke up to an intense contraction. I stumbled my way out to the loo, and then on the way back to bed felt my waters come gushing! I woke Steve up, and we immediately called the hospital who told us to come straight in. We called an ambulance because at last check bub wasn't engaged (so high risk of prolapsed cord which can be fatal) and called my mum who said she would head back as soon as it was light enough to drive (she can't drive in the dark) and then called my brother John's mobile over and over and over and over and over again until we finally managed to wake him up (actually I think Jo ended up waking him telling him to answer it lol) and poor guy had to come over at 4:30am (and still had to head to work later that day... sorry Josh owes you big time!). Chloe remained asleep thank God as Steve stumbled around packing a bizarre mix of things while we waited for the ambulance (devastatingly we forgot the cameras so were unable to take any photos of our new baby).
The ambulance came and I had an uncomfortable ride to the hospital (do NOT take one of those in labour unless necessary, NOT GOOD!). They rushed me into maternity (bout 5:30 at this point) and they established that I was definitely in labour and was 3cm dilated already. The nurses told me that I would be having my baby that day, and that he would have to stay in the special care nursery for about 4 weeks. As I was in labour I really didn't care what was happening later!!!!!!
The labour was pretty easy and so the midwives mostly left us unsupervised, but made it very clear that we needed to press the emergency buzzer as soon as I entered the 2nd stage (pushing). Just before 8 I needed to pee so asked Steve to get the midwife to disconnect me from the monitoring machines so that I could head to the toilet. He called the midwife in but somehow instead he headed off to pay for the car parking (machines don't operate before 8) while I lay there fuming and feeling increasingly hostile. When he returned I asked him icily "Can I NOW go to the toilet?" and I was unhooked from the machines to finally relieve my bladder! On my way back I was hit by an intense contraction and then a complete panic as I felt my baby heading down and out at a very fast pace!!! I started screaming at Steve "push the buzzer push the buzzer!!!" as I stood at the bed wondering how on earth I would ever get back up there?! Steve didn't push the buzzer so I angrily did myself (I hadn't seen that the midwife had walked in and rushed off herself to grab the team... oops). Then it seemed like absolute chaos broke loose - they got me up on the bed and I looked up to see a team of 5-6 people watching me waiting for me to push the baby out?!!!! Not surprisingly I suddenly found myself completely incapable of focusing on pushing out a baby. I was very blessed to have a wonderful midwife who made me focus on her and distracted me from all that was happening in the room.
I was on my back but hunched forward and was absolutely gobsmacked to see my baby's head crown and watch my Joshua Aiden enter the world (at 8:21am). A midwife dumped him on my stomach, and I reached my hand down to touch him, but he was immediately snatched up (he was only there while they cut the cord) and whisked off to a station thing in front of my bed where 5 people awaited to work on him. They shoved the vaccuum down his throat over and over again, and I started asking over and over again "Is he ok?" but no-one would answer me and the midwife (unsuccessfully) tried to distract me from what was happening (as if I could be distracted from my baby?!!). At the 1min mark they did the Agpar check (while continuing to vaccuum his lungs) and I watched as my blue unresponsive baby's hand was lifted up and just dropped lifeless back down. At that moment a growing sense of horror began to build as I realised that maybe he might not be ok. At the 2min mark he finally gave a cry and then continued to cry incessantly for the rest of the short time he was in with me. They wrapped him up, and let me have a short hold, but they had to get him out to the humidicrib for oxygen etc so I had to say goodbye to him, knowing that because I had gastro it'd be 48hrs before I would see him again.
The next 48hr were a blur for me. I was given photos and videos of my baby, but I could not see the real baby, could not hold the real baby, and had to helplessly rely on others for updates on him. Worst of all was seeing the videos of him in distress as he fought for each breathe, knowing that I was not able to offer him any comfort.
Sunday evening, the night before I had been promised I could finally see my baby, Joshua started to become more distressed with his breathing. He was on the highest oxygen saturation levels allowed for a humidicrib and they said if he didn't improve in the next few hours he would have to be transferred to Monash to be put on a ventilator. I was devastated - my baby might be transferred so far away when I was so close to finally seeing him?!!
Steve got the word out to all our friends and the church, and a lot of prayers went up for him, and his breathing settled and he stayed at Frankston :)
Monday morning arrived and FINALLY I could see my baby boy!!! Steve took me through to the SCN and over to his little humidicrib. He had a big drip in his head, bruises all over his hands where they had been unable to get a drip in, monitors all over him... but he was still absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. He had at this point been unable to have any milk at all because anything in his stomach would have effected his breathing. I was finally able to touch my baby, so stuck my hands through the little holes, only to discover that touch of any kind, not matter how gentle, distressed him. He would jump in fear and shrink away - but I was reassured that it was just because he was early and is common for prem babies to overreact to touch. He was brought out of the crib and I finally got to have a long cuddle with my baby.
The rest of the story is a blur of needles, drips, nasal tubes, expressing milk, losing over 500g of weight to weigh 2.2kg and then the journey of trying to feed him up to reach his birth weight again etc etc... but the short version is that he improved so incredibly quickly that we were able to take him home only 15 days after he was born - 2 weeks earlier than expected by the staff!!!
And that is my boy's story :)
Joshua's journey starts back early in 2007....
Chloe was roughly 7 months old when I came down with some kind of virus that made me feel extremely tired and nauseaus. After 2 weeks with this virus I decided it was time to visit the doctor to find out what the deal was!!! Knowing that the first thing they would want to rule out was pregnancy I decided to conduct a pregnancy test first - we had had a lot of trouble falling pregnant with Chloe, so I figured my natural tendency to not fall pregnant combined with breastfeeding would make this extraordinarily unlikely but hey... better to buy the test than waste time at the doctors. So, I took the test... and lo and behold it was positive!!!!!! THAT explained the fatigue nausea and extremely low supply of breastmilk!!!! I had absolutely no clue whatsoever as to how pregnant I would be so we had an ultrasound which dated me for being due 23rd January 2008 (Chloe would be 15 months). We were a little surprised but over the moon!!
I had a completely smooth easy pregnancy, no problems, no issues!! At 20 weeks we had a scan and found out we were 99% likely having a boy!! After much debate we finally settled on a name, and started buying bits and pieces of boys clothing etc.
From about 30 weeks I started having intense Braxton Hicks contractions. I was quite concerned by them but was reassured by the doctor that my first being born early was random but not at all likely to happen again with the 2nd, and then the midwife told me I was just being a sulk and that she finds way too many 2nd time mums are oversensitive about aches and pains
Late November we moved out of our tiny 2 bedroom shoe box into a 3 bedroom place to make room for our new addition. We decided to move early to ensure that Chloe had time to adjust to that first change before the next big change!
Couple of weeks later I was 34 weeks... on Monday 9th December Chloe became violently ill with some kind of nasty gastro. She spent 2 days awake all night vomiting... and so I spent 2 nights awake with her cleaning up and trying to settle her. Not at all fun when you are feeling big and fat and pregnant and tired!!! Wednesday she finally picked up and we had her cousins over to play (who had also been sick with the gastro). Thursday morning my mum and youngest 2 brothers dropped in to say goodbye on the way to their holiday in Venus Bay. Normally they took their holidays in January but given I was due late January and had been early with Chloe, they had decided to holiday early so they could be around for the birth. I joked around telling mum I would call when the baby was born - she wasn't too impressed at that idea! Later that day Chloe fell ill again so once again I was up all night with her. Friday my dad left for Venus Bay too (as he had had some work to finish up first). Friday evening I began to feel dizzy and nauseaus myself. Before long I was vomiting, and was so sick I could barely lift my head and needed help to make it to the toilet. Later that evening (about 11pm) I started to have regular but gentle contractions. I mentioned them to Steve and we ummed and ahhhed over them for some time before deciding to call my mum to let her know she should leave her phone on just in case. Steve then decided "hey let's pray and if the contractions haven't stopped in 5min we will call the hospital. So he prayed, and he fell asleep within 2min so I ignored the gentle squeezing contractions and fell asleep in no time at all.
4am (sat morning) I woke up to an intense contraction. I stumbled my way out to the loo, and then on the way back to bed felt my waters come gushing! I woke Steve up, and we immediately called the hospital who told us to come straight in. We called an ambulance because at last check bub wasn't engaged (so high risk of prolapsed cord which can be fatal) and called my mum who said she would head back as soon as it was light enough to drive (she can't drive in the dark) and then called my brother John's mobile over and over and over and over and over again until we finally managed to wake him up (actually I think Jo ended up waking him telling him to answer it lol) and poor guy had to come over at 4:30am (and still had to head to work later that day... sorry Josh owes you big time!). Chloe remained asleep thank God as Steve stumbled around packing a bizarre mix of things while we waited for the ambulance (devastatingly we forgot the cameras so were unable to take any photos of our new baby).
The ambulance came and I had an uncomfortable ride to the hospital (do NOT take one of those in labour unless necessary, NOT GOOD!). They rushed me into maternity (bout 5:30 at this point) and they established that I was definitely in labour and was 3cm dilated already. The nurses told me that I would be having my baby that day, and that he would have to stay in the special care nursery for about 4 weeks. As I was in labour I really didn't care what was happening later!!!!!!
The labour was pretty easy and so the midwives mostly left us unsupervised, but made it very clear that we needed to press the emergency buzzer as soon as I entered the 2nd stage (pushing). Just before 8 I needed to pee so asked Steve to get the midwife to disconnect me from the monitoring machines so that I could head to the toilet. He called the midwife in but somehow instead he headed off to pay for the car parking (machines don't operate before 8) while I lay there fuming and feeling increasingly hostile. When he returned I asked him icily "Can I NOW go to the toilet?" and I was unhooked from the machines to finally relieve my bladder! On my way back I was hit by an intense contraction and then a complete panic as I felt my baby heading down and out at a very fast pace!!! I started screaming at Steve "push the buzzer push the buzzer!!!" as I stood at the bed wondering how on earth I would ever get back up there?! Steve didn't push the buzzer so I angrily did myself (I hadn't seen that the midwife had walked in and rushed off herself to grab the team... oops). Then it seemed like absolute chaos broke loose - they got me up on the bed and I looked up to see a team of 5-6 people watching me waiting for me to push the baby out?!!!! Not surprisingly I suddenly found myself completely incapable of focusing on pushing out a baby. I was very blessed to have a wonderful midwife who made me focus on her and distracted me from all that was happening in the room.
I was on my back but hunched forward and was absolutely gobsmacked to see my baby's head crown and watch my Joshua Aiden enter the world (at 8:21am). A midwife dumped him on my stomach, and I reached my hand down to touch him, but he was immediately snatched up (he was only there while they cut the cord) and whisked off to a station thing in front of my bed where 5 people awaited to work on him. They shoved the vaccuum down his throat over and over again, and I started asking over and over again "Is he ok?" but no-one would answer me and the midwife (unsuccessfully) tried to distract me from what was happening (as if I could be distracted from my baby?!!). At the 1min mark they did the Agpar check (while continuing to vaccuum his lungs) and I watched as my blue unresponsive baby's hand was lifted up and just dropped lifeless back down. At that moment a growing sense of horror began to build as I realised that maybe he might not be ok. At the 2min mark he finally gave a cry and then continued to cry incessantly for the rest of the short time he was in with me. They wrapped him up, and let me have a short hold, but they had to get him out to the humidicrib for oxygen etc so I had to say goodbye to him, knowing that because I had gastro it'd be 48hrs before I would see him again.
The next 48hr were a blur for me. I was given photos and videos of my baby, but I could not see the real baby, could not hold the real baby, and had to helplessly rely on others for updates on him. Worst of all was seeing the videos of him in distress as he fought for each breathe, knowing that I was not able to offer him any comfort.
Sunday evening, the night before I had been promised I could finally see my baby, Joshua started to become more distressed with his breathing. He was on the highest oxygen saturation levels allowed for a humidicrib and they said if he didn't improve in the next few hours he would have to be transferred to Monash to be put on a ventilator. I was devastated - my baby might be transferred so far away when I was so close to finally seeing him?!!
Steve got the word out to all our friends and the church, and a lot of prayers went up for him, and his breathing settled and he stayed at Frankston :)
Monday morning arrived and FINALLY I could see my baby boy!!! Steve took me through to the SCN and over to his little humidicrib. He had a big drip in his head, bruises all over his hands where they had been unable to get a drip in, monitors all over him... but he was still absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. He had at this point been unable to have any milk at all because anything in his stomach would have effected his breathing. I was finally able to touch my baby, so stuck my hands through the little holes, only to discover that touch of any kind, not matter how gentle, distressed him. He would jump in fear and shrink away - but I was reassured that it was just because he was early and is common for prem babies to overreact to touch. He was brought out of the crib and I finally got to have a long cuddle with my baby.
The rest of the story is a blur of needles, drips, nasal tubes, expressing milk, losing over 500g of weight to weigh 2.2kg and then the journey of trying to feed him up to reach his birth weight again etc etc... but the short version is that he improved so incredibly quickly that we were able to take him home only 15 days after he was born - 2 weeks earlier than expected by the staff!!!
And that is my boy's story :)
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Claudia the Caterpillar
Chloe brought home a library book this week called "Claudia the Caterpillar". As I read the story to her I was struck at how relevant it was to our family at the moment.
In the story Claudia the caterpillar looks at all the butterflies flying around, and decides she wants to fly just like them. She climbs to the highest tree and leaps off - but just falls down. So she makes herself wings out of leaves and leaps from the highest tree - but just falls down. So then she asks God about her desire to fly like a butterfly - but instead of giving her wings, He leads her to the highest branch of the tree, and shuts her into a dark and cramped place. When she comes out of that place (the cocoon) she has grown wings and can fly.
This story completely captured a journey our family has been on, and I have been waiting for the right time to share this journey... and finally I can!
Almost 8 years ago Steve and I married, and I moved up to Sydney where he had been posted with the navy. He had not yet finished his training, so we were looking forward to the 6 months we were going to have together before he would be posted to a ship. We came straight from honeymoon up to Sydney, and had roughly 4 weeks together unpacking boxes, getting used to living with each other (we had spent the previous year in different states!) and trying to teach me how to navigate the maze of Sydney streets... when he was suddenly posted to a ship (despite the fact that he had not completed training). From that moment on he was away for weeks at a time, without any contact, and when he was back he worked long hours, had to do lots of extra weekend shifts, and he was absolutely exhausted. I was a newly married woman with barely a husband.
Around April he set off on a 3 month trip, and I had the 'fun' of eating alone every night miserable, lonely and unsure as to where and how my husband was. The navy lifestyle on the ships was at complete odds with our Christian values. There was a general consensus that what happens on ship stays on ship, and a complete lack of respect for marriage. One woman on the ship decided she would like my husband in her bed (she was dating someone from his ship as it was?!) - fortunately he had the self-discipline to tell her "hell no" (although he was more polite than that... I wouldn't have been if I'd had the chance but Steve banned me from confronting her on the base and telling her what I thought of her).
Anyway... long story short, the pressure on our brand new marriage relationship was intense, and neither of us were coping at all with the way things were. I knew without a doubt that the navy lifestyle was bad for our marriage, bad for us as individuals, and I could not believe that it was in line with God's will for us. But... he couldn't just "quit" the navy, there isn't that option... so there was no "out" in the natural for us. One week at church a visiting preacher spoke on prayer, and on the idea that we should not "negotiate" or "manipulate" God - just ask Him outright for what is on our hearts. So, I went home, and I wrote down what I wanted, and I prayed. My prayer and list was simple - "God, this situation is not good for us, and I cannot believe that it is what you want for us. Firstly, I want Steve off that ship and home. Secondly, I want him out of the navy". Within a few weeks Steve was flown home from Cairns after he spoke to his Warrant Officer to say that I wasn't coping. Within a few weeks of this, he was back on the ship, but developed extreme pain in his wrists and right knee. He was again taken off the ship to be assessed by doctors and specialists etc, and diagnosed with arthritis. This arthritis meant he could no longer work on ships, so he was put on shore permanently, and the process of 'medical discharge' was started.
The medical discharge was not a quick process. In fact, it took them over a year! However, he was paid, he was not at sea and his hours were much more normal!! We were incredibly grateful for God's intervention and miracle in finding us a way out of the navy. However, on the flip side, Steve could not work as an electrician as he had been trained because of his arthritis. He decided to retrain and become a podiatrist. It would mean that for 4 years he would be a full-time student, and so money would be tight, but we felt that in the long-term it was the best option.
For 4 years we stuck closely to a budget, and went without a great deal. I would love to say that it was easy, but it wasn't!! When Steve first started studying we applied for Centrelink payments, only to find out that they would not give us anything other than FTB for nearly 6 months because Steve had been given a payout from the navy. Unfortunately for us most of that payout had all gone on paying off car loans (and tax) because we had not expected to lose it. Steve managed to land Saturday work immediately, so we lived on FTB and his Saturday pay, and the little savings we had. I will never forget when the cold weather first hit, and Chloe did not yet fit any of the winter clothes I had, and I had to take her to church in a pair of woollen stockings that were mine as a baby, and a second-hand jumper we had been given. I could not spare any money to buy her anything. I was so blessed that my mum and Aunty went to Savers and found a few items that would fit her, and a few other things from the shops to get us through.
Anyway, 4 years on, 3 children later, and Steve graduated!!! We were soooo looking forward to being 'normal', having 'normal' hours, and good pay!!! Steve had decided that he would like a career in public health as the hours and money were fantastic. As soon as he had finished exams Steve started job hunting, and applied for a job in Berwick at Casey Allied Health. After applying he found out that they were actually NOT the hospital, they were next door to the hospital and PRIVATE! But, with no other jobs advertised, we had no other option but to take the job because his Austudy payments dropped out as soon as he got his marks (even though no student could work for another month because registration isn't processed till then) and the people where he had applied were willing to pay him a reduced rate to 'observe' in the clinics until he was registered (another moment where God's provision came through!).
The hours at his new job were intense. We had been looking forward to having weekends as a family for the first time... but he had to work Saturdays fortnightly. We had been looking forward to him being home more... but the hours were long and late. And the money was better than we had been on, but only enough to just make ends meet. We stuck with it for a year, but towards the end of last year we really felt that enough was enough - we needed better hours and more money. Steve applied for a job in Warragul in public health. We both had such a good feeling about it, I prayed and prayed and prayed and had such a peace about it, I was SURE the job was his! But... just after Christmas we received the news that it had gone to a more experienced podiatrist. 1 month later a 12 month podiatrist position came up at Frankston Hospital, and suddenly it all made sense - aaaaahhh THAT'S what God was up to - He had a job in Frankston prepared for us!! Steve applied... but didn't even get an interview because there were more experienced candidates.
Within 2 weeks of not getting an interview, Steve's boss spoke to him about the possibility of purchasing one of their practices in Carrum Downs. It seemed a very exciting possibility, so we decided to ask for further information. However, that door shut suddenly in our face when we found out that another work colleague had pretty much finished negotiating a deal for Carrum Downs and 2 other practices at other locations. By now I had had enough of constant disappointments and was resigned to having another year of long hours.
At this point another (full-time, permanent) job was advertised at Frankston Hospital, and this time instead of just applying for it, Steve decided to ask what experience they were looking for. This time the door to public health was completely shut for good in our face - the only job you can get in public health now (without prior experience in public health) is a grade 1 position - which are low pay and rare!
It seemed as though every possible door to a better life for us was shut now, and our future work stability was not looking solid. It felt like 4 years of sacrifices while Steve was at uni had led to... nothing?! Ouch!!!
Just when it felt like we had no options, a door reopened. Steve received a call from his work colleague to let us know that he no longer wished to buy the Carrum Downs practice as he felt managing 3 practices was going to require a bigger time commitment than he could spare. We began enquiries and negotiations, and managed to settle on a price we could afford. Incredibly, a few weeks ago our loan was approved on the basis that the business is running successfully (because with no home and barely a cent to our name we could never have borrowed that much ourselves!!). It hasn't been a perfectly smooth road - but every obstacle between us and the opportunity to buy this business has been overcome (at times with tears and prayer and support from others).
Friday 1st June Steve becomes the official new owner and manager of Carrum Downs Podiatry (WOOT WOOT!!!!!). We have another journey ahead of us building the business up to full-time hours, and I am sure it cannot all be easy, but given the incredible provision and faithfulness of God towards us, I know that I can trust Him to make a way through the darkest night. It still blows my mind every time I think about the fact that after LESS THAN 18 months working as a podiatrist, Steve has been able to purchase a healthy established business with existing clients - this is NO ORDINARY scenario for a recent graduate!!!!
God has not answered my prayers in the way I expected - He did not simply hand me my desires, we were not immediately given wings - instead we were first led into a dark and cramped place where it seemed our dreams could not come to fruition... and in that dark and cramped place came the opportunity we so desperately needed. Got to love the weird and wacky and backwards way God works!!!
In the story Claudia the caterpillar looks at all the butterflies flying around, and decides she wants to fly just like them. She climbs to the highest tree and leaps off - but just falls down. So she makes herself wings out of leaves and leaps from the highest tree - but just falls down. So then she asks God about her desire to fly like a butterfly - but instead of giving her wings, He leads her to the highest branch of the tree, and shuts her into a dark and cramped place. When she comes out of that place (the cocoon) she has grown wings and can fly.
This story completely captured a journey our family has been on, and I have been waiting for the right time to share this journey... and finally I can!
Almost 8 years ago Steve and I married, and I moved up to Sydney where he had been posted with the navy. He had not yet finished his training, so we were looking forward to the 6 months we were going to have together before he would be posted to a ship. We came straight from honeymoon up to Sydney, and had roughly 4 weeks together unpacking boxes, getting used to living with each other (we had spent the previous year in different states!) and trying to teach me how to navigate the maze of Sydney streets... when he was suddenly posted to a ship (despite the fact that he had not completed training). From that moment on he was away for weeks at a time, without any contact, and when he was back he worked long hours, had to do lots of extra weekend shifts, and he was absolutely exhausted. I was a newly married woman with barely a husband.
Around April he set off on a 3 month trip, and I had the 'fun' of eating alone every night miserable, lonely and unsure as to where and how my husband was. The navy lifestyle on the ships was at complete odds with our Christian values. There was a general consensus that what happens on ship stays on ship, and a complete lack of respect for marriage. One woman on the ship decided she would like my husband in her bed (she was dating someone from his ship as it was?!) - fortunately he had the self-discipline to tell her "hell no" (although he was more polite than that... I wouldn't have been if I'd had the chance but Steve banned me from confronting her on the base and telling her what I thought of her
Anyway... long story short, the pressure on our brand new marriage relationship was intense, and neither of us were coping at all with the way things were. I knew without a doubt that the navy lifestyle was bad for our marriage, bad for us as individuals, and I could not believe that it was in line with God's will for us. But... he couldn't just "quit" the navy, there isn't that option... so there was no "out" in the natural for us. One week at church a visiting preacher spoke on prayer, and on the idea that we should not "negotiate" or "manipulate" God - just ask Him outright for what is on our hearts. So, I went home, and I wrote down what I wanted, and I prayed. My prayer and list was simple - "God, this situation is not good for us, and I cannot believe that it is what you want for us. Firstly, I want Steve off that ship and home. Secondly, I want him out of the navy". Within a few weeks Steve was flown home from Cairns after he spoke to his Warrant Officer to say that I wasn't coping. Within a few weeks of this, he was back on the ship, but developed extreme pain in his wrists and right knee. He was again taken off the ship to be assessed by doctors and specialists etc, and diagnosed with arthritis. This arthritis meant he could no longer work on ships, so he was put on shore permanently, and the process of 'medical discharge' was started.
The medical discharge was not a quick process. In fact, it took them over a year! However, he was paid, he was not at sea and his hours were much more normal!! We were incredibly grateful for God's intervention and miracle in finding us a way out of the navy. However, on the flip side, Steve could not work as an electrician as he had been trained because of his arthritis. He decided to retrain and become a podiatrist. It would mean that for 4 years he would be a full-time student, and so money would be tight, but we felt that in the long-term it was the best option.
For 4 years we stuck closely to a budget, and went without a great deal. I would love to say that it was easy, but it wasn't!! When Steve first started studying we applied for Centrelink payments, only to find out that they would not give us anything other than FTB for nearly 6 months because Steve had been given a payout from the navy. Unfortunately for us most of that payout had all gone on paying off car loans (and tax) because we had not expected to lose it. Steve managed to land Saturday work immediately, so we lived on FTB and his Saturday pay, and the little savings we had. I will never forget when the cold weather first hit, and Chloe did not yet fit any of the winter clothes I had, and I had to take her to church in a pair of woollen stockings that were mine as a baby, and a second-hand jumper we had been given. I could not spare any money to buy her anything. I was so blessed that my mum and Aunty went to Savers and found a few items that would fit her, and a few other things from the shops to get us through.
Anyway, 4 years on, 3 children later, and Steve graduated!!! We were soooo looking forward to being 'normal', having 'normal' hours, and good pay!!! Steve had decided that he would like a career in public health as the hours and money were fantastic. As soon as he had finished exams Steve started job hunting, and applied for a job in Berwick at Casey Allied Health. After applying he found out that they were actually NOT the hospital, they were next door to the hospital and PRIVATE! But, with no other jobs advertised, we had no other option but to take the job because his Austudy payments dropped out as soon as he got his marks (even though no student could work for another month because registration isn't processed till then) and the people where he had applied were willing to pay him a reduced rate to 'observe' in the clinics until he was registered (another moment where God's provision came through!).
The hours at his new job were intense. We had been looking forward to having weekends as a family for the first time... but he had to work Saturdays fortnightly. We had been looking forward to him being home more... but the hours were long and late. And the money was better than we had been on, but only enough to just make ends meet. We stuck with it for a year, but towards the end of last year we really felt that enough was enough - we needed better hours and more money. Steve applied for a job in Warragul in public health. We both had such a good feeling about it, I prayed and prayed and prayed and had such a peace about it, I was SURE the job was his! But... just after Christmas we received the news that it had gone to a more experienced podiatrist. 1 month later a 12 month podiatrist position came up at Frankston Hospital, and suddenly it all made sense - aaaaahhh THAT'S what God was up to - He had a job in Frankston prepared for us!! Steve applied... but didn't even get an interview because there were more experienced candidates.
Within 2 weeks of not getting an interview, Steve's boss spoke to him about the possibility of purchasing one of their practices in Carrum Downs. It seemed a very exciting possibility, so we decided to ask for further information. However, that door shut suddenly in our face when we found out that another work colleague had pretty much finished negotiating a deal for Carrum Downs and 2 other practices at other locations. By now I had had enough of constant disappointments and was resigned to having another year of long hours.
At this point another (full-time, permanent) job was advertised at Frankston Hospital, and this time instead of just applying for it, Steve decided to ask what experience they were looking for. This time the door to public health was completely shut for good in our face - the only job you can get in public health now (without prior experience in public health) is a grade 1 position - which are low pay and rare!
It seemed as though every possible door to a better life for us was shut now, and our future work stability was not looking solid. It felt like 4 years of sacrifices while Steve was at uni had led to... nothing?! Ouch!!!
Just when it felt like we had no options, a door reopened. Steve received a call from his work colleague to let us know that he no longer wished to buy the Carrum Downs practice as he felt managing 3 practices was going to require a bigger time commitment than he could spare. We began enquiries and negotiations, and managed to settle on a price we could afford. Incredibly, a few weeks ago our loan was approved on the basis that the business is running successfully (because with no home and barely a cent to our name we could never have borrowed that much ourselves!!). It hasn't been a perfectly smooth road - but every obstacle between us and the opportunity to buy this business has been overcome (at times with tears and prayer and support from others).
Friday 1st June Steve becomes the official new owner and manager of Carrum Downs Podiatry (WOOT WOOT!!!!!). We have another journey ahead of us building the business up to full-time hours, and I am sure it cannot all be easy, but given the incredible provision and faithfulness of God towards us, I know that I can trust Him to make a way through the darkest night. It still blows my mind every time I think about the fact that after LESS THAN 18 months working as a podiatrist, Steve has been able to purchase a healthy established business with existing clients - this is NO ORDINARY scenario for a recent graduate!!!!
God has not answered my prayers in the way I expected - He did not simply hand me my desires, we were not immediately given wings - instead we were first led into a dark and cramped place where it seemed our dreams could not come to fruition... and in that dark and cramped place came the opportunity we so desperately needed. Got to love the weird and wacky and backwards way God works!!!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Chloe "Blooming"
Wrote this letter for Chloe because although she will not understand most of this, and even when she does, she will have to learn it all herself probably (if she's like her mother anyway)... it was an opportunity for me to try at least to express what was on my heart for her as she starts school...
CHLOE - origin, Greek. Meaning "Blooming, Verdant."
To my beautiful daughter, Chloe Renee,
As you start school I want to write you a letter for you to hold onto for the next 13 years. Most of it you will not understand yet, but in time you will.
At the moment you are our little blossom – full of potential and life and innocent, sweet beauty. Over the next 13 years that potential will unfold and you will begin to bloom. And I already know that you will be incredible, beautiful and strong.
Always work hard at school and all other areas of your life so that you can develop the potential within you.
Never ever give up on yourself, no matter what.
Never forget that you have family who love you unconditionally.
Dream big, and work hard to bring those dreams to life.
Sometimes others, including your ‘friends’, will say stuff that is not true out of insecurity, jealousy or to try to make themselves seem superior by making another appear inferior. Don’t take it onboard, don’t accept it. Only accept criticism from those who love you and want to see you bloom in your full potential. Don’t flee from correction, a little pruning ensures you will grow straight and tall and strong.
Don’t be frightened or ashamed of your ‘thorns’. They can never diminish the beauty of a flower in full bloom.
A single flower in bloom carries incredible beauty; a field of flowers in bloom also displays incredible beauty. Don’t be afraid to stand alone when your convictions, beliefs and values differ from those around you. Equally, don’t allow yourself to feel inferior to others or lost in the crowd – your contribution is always valuable.
Be careful of who and what you allow into your life lest you allow weeds in to choke the life and potential from within you.
Chloe Renee, you are beautiful and you are highly favoured. We pray that you will grow in wisdom, in confidence, and in favour with God; that you will always know you are loved and that you will face each day with dignity and integrity.
We are always here for you, we will always love you,
Mum and Dad.
CHLOE - origin, Greek. Meaning "Blooming, Verdant."
To my beautiful daughter, Chloe Renee,
As you start school I want to write you a letter for you to hold onto for the next 13 years. Most of it you will not understand yet, but in time you will.
At the moment you are our little blossom – full of potential and life and innocent, sweet beauty. Over the next 13 years that potential will unfold and you will begin to bloom. And I already know that you will be incredible, beautiful and strong.
Always work hard at school and all other areas of your life so that you can develop the potential within you.
Never ever give up on yourself, no matter what.
Never forget that you have family who love you unconditionally.
Dream big, and work hard to bring those dreams to life.
Sometimes others, including your ‘friends’, will say stuff that is not true out of insecurity, jealousy or to try to make themselves seem superior by making another appear inferior. Don’t take it onboard, don’t accept it. Only accept criticism from those who love you and want to see you bloom in your full potential. Don’t flee from correction, a little pruning ensures you will grow straight and tall and strong.
Don’t be frightened or ashamed of your ‘thorns’. They can never diminish the beauty of a flower in full bloom.
A single flower in bloom carries incredible beauty; a field of flowers in bloom also displays incredible beauty. Don’t be afraid to stand alone when your convictions, beliefs and values differ from those around you. Equally, don’t allow yourself to feel inferior to others or lost in the crowd – your contribution is always valuable.
Be careful of who and what you allow into your life lest you allow weeds in to choke the life and potential from within you.
Chloe Renee, you are beautiful and you are highly favoured. We pray that you will grow in wisdom, in confidence, and in favour with God; that you will always know you are loved and that you will face each day with dignity and integrity.
We are always here for you, we will always love you,
Mum and Dad.
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Prenatal Journey of Chloe Renee Devenish
With Chloe's 5th Birthday coming up in just "6 sleeps", I've been marvelling at how fast time has flown, and I realised that although I've never been shy about telling people bits about my pregnancy and birth, I have never taken the time to write out my version of it all for Chloe to read one day... (no... "Choe's" letter about her birth was NOT written by me, it was Steve!!!). So here goes....
Chloe was a very very very wanted baby. For months and months I had been trying to fall pregnant with no success, been through the tears as each cycle the test was negative, and eventually after having tests run which revealed my hormones were crazy... I was told I would need to start fertility treatments as my cycles were not normal (I was told I had PCOS). So I was given the prescription, and waited for my period so I could start the treatment. About a week after my period was due (well... roughly... I could go anything from 4 to 8 weeks between periods!) I found out my brother's wife was due with their 2nd little baby, and I realised... haha if I had fallen pregnant we would be due the EXACT same day!! And then it's hard to explain but I just KNEW that I was pregnant. So I went back to the gynaecologist and said I hadn't had my period yet and suspected I was pregnant (and therefore it'd be dangerous to take the meds) and he ordered a blood test to play it safe. Blood test results came back and YAY there was a baby!!!!! There is no way I could possibly put into words the joy we both felt!
One night about 6-7 weeks into the pregnancy I felt this strong sense that something wasn't right. I wasn't in pain exactly, but I just felt uncomfortable and "stretched" and felt this urgent sense of something not being right. We drove to emergency, waited around for a few hours in which they did another pregnancy test to be sure, told me it's probably normal but to go and see my gynaecologist to organise a scan just in case. A couple of days later Linda and Azz came up to stay with us for the week - Steve had to work still but we were about to head into the city for the day when I started bleeding heavily. I was sure immediately that I must be miscarrying, called Steve to ask him to come home and take me to hospital, and told Linda and Azz that I wasn't coming to the city with them. They insisted on taking me to the hospital themselves, and there I went through the rigmarole of not being allowed food or fluids, sitting around waiting for hours, having to change pads constantly as the bleeding was ridiculous, and having a doctor with tremors unsuccessfully attempt to insert an IV (rolls eyes). Eventually they had a scan lined up for me and in we went. I've never seen anything like what we saw that day. My uterus looked like a war zone with dark patches of blood taking up most of the space - but somehow, against all odds, tucked up in the corner away from the danger, was this teeny tiny little embryo!!! And it even moved!! (Although devastatingly I missed that!). The staff sent me home to rest and I was to see the specialist during the week to organise another scan to ascertain what might be happening.
A week or so later I caught the bus from Ryde into Bondi Junction for my scan (2hr trip involving 2 buses). The scan was uncomfortable, and typically the sonographer refused to tell me anything. However, for the first time I saw my baby's heart beating, and I saw my baby doing some completely uncoordinated moving and the rush of WOWness was incredible and omg I fell in love on the spot! On the way home, about 20min from home, I realised to my horror that I had suddenly started bleeding again (not ideal when you're on a bus with no pads!!!). I had no choice but to hope it didn't soak through too quickly, (fortunately it didn't while on the bus), but on the 5min walk home I ended up soaked in blood and in a lot of pain with cramping. I went to the bathroom to clean up and during this time out came a big clump and sobbing I wrapped it up in tissues and called Steve to let him know we had lost our baby this time. He came straight home and took me to emergency. While in emergency the doctor took my baby to examine, and came back to ask me whether that blood clot was all I had. Oh the relief that that massive thing was a blood clot!! (I didn't know till that moment you could get blood clots that size lol). Again I was sent home to rest and follow up with the gyno.
The gyno was not 100% sure about why the bleeding was occurring but suspected that a major blood vessel had possibly been ruptured during implantation, and that this bleeding was likely to continue until around the 20 week mark. He said it was my decision to make, but that the travel involved in my uni studies was highly likely to lead to miscarriage and I really should be on bed rest until 20 weeks. I picked bed rest!!!
There were 2 more major bleeds in the following weeks, 1 very embarrassingly being at a major shopping centre, and so heavy that my clothes were soaked within 30seconds of it starting. However, I made it to the 20 week mark and the bleeding stopped and other than low iron and a GREY complexion due to having lost too much blood (see photo) I started to experience a "normal" pregnancy, complete with bizarre cravings (I was caught licking a wooden chair to see if it tasted as good as it smelled) and big aversions (I couldn't look at a whole lettuce).
Chloe was a very very very wanted baby. For months and months I had been trying to fall pregnant with no success, been through the tears as each cycle the test was negative, and eventually after having tests run which revealed my hormones were crazy... I was told I would need to start fertility treatments as my cycles were not normal (I was told I had PCOS). So I was given the prescription, and waited for my period so I could start the treatment. About a week after my period was due (well... roughly... I could go anything from 4 to 8 weeks between periods!) I found out my brother's wife was due with their 2nd little baby, and I realised... haha if I had fallen pregnant we would be due the EXACT same day!! And then it's hard to explain but I just KNEW that I was pregnant. So I went back to the gynaecologist and said I hadn't had my period yet and suspected I was pregnant (and therefore it'd be dangerous to take the meds) and he ordered a blood test to play it safe. Blood test results came back and YAY there was a baby!!!!! There is no way I could possibly put into words the joy we both felt!
One night about 6-7 weeks into the pregnancy I felt this strong sense that something wasn't right. I wasn't in pain exactly, but I just felt uncomfortable and "stretched" and felt this urgent sense of something not being right. We drove to emergency, waited around for a few hours in which they did another pregnancy test to be sure, told me it's probably normal but to go and see my gynaecologist to organise a scan just in case. A couple of days later Linda and Azz came up to stay with us for the week - Steve had to work still but we were about to head into the city for the day when I started bleeding heavily. I was sure immediately that I must be miscarrying, called Steve to ask him to come home and take me to hospital, and told Linda and Azz that I wasn't coming to the city with them. They insisted on taking me to the hospital themselves, and there I went through the rigmarole of not being allowed food or fluids, sitting around waiting for hours, having to change pads constantly as the bleeding was ridiculous, and having a doctor with tremors unsuccessfully attempt to insert an IV (rolls eyes). Eventually they had a scan lined up for me and in we went. I've never seen anything like what we saw that day. My uterus looked like a war zone with dark patches of blood taking up most of the space - but somehow, against all odds, tucked up in the corner away from the danger, was this teeny tiny little embryo!!! And it even moved!! (Although devastatingly I missed that!). The staff sent me home to rest and I was to see the specialist during the week to organise another scan to ascertain what might be happening.
A week or so later I caught the bus from Ryde into Bondi Junction for my scan (2hr trip involving 2 buses). The scan was uncomfortable, and typically the sonographer refused to tell me anything. However, for the first time I saw my baby's heart beating, and I saw my baby doing some completely uncoordinated moving and the rush of WOWness was incredible and omg I fell in love on the spot! On the way home, about 20min from home, I realised to my horror that I had suddenly started bleeding again (not ideal when you're on a bus with no pads!!!). I had no choice but to hope it didn't soak through too quickly, (fortunately it didn't while on the bus), but on the 5min walk home I ended up soaked in blood and in a lot of pain with cramping. I went to the bathroom to clean up and during this time out came a big clump and sobbing I wrapped it up in tissues and called Steve to let him know we had lost our baby this time. He came straight home and took me to emergency. While in emergency the doctor took my baby to examine, and came back to ask me whether that blood clot was all I had. Oh the relief that that massive thing was a blood clot!! (I didn't know till that moment you could get blood clots that size lol). Again I was sent home to rest and follow up with the gyno.
The gyno was not 100% sure about why the bleeding was occurring but suspected that a major blood vessel had possibly been ruptured during implantation, and that this bleeding was likely to continue until around the 20 week mark. He said it was my decision to make, but that the travel involved in my uni studies was highly likely to lead to miscarriage and I really should be on bed rest until 20 weeks. I picked bed rest!!!
There were 2 more major bleeds in the following weeks, 1 very embarrassingly being at a major shopping centre, and so heavy that my clothes were soaked within 30seconds of it starting. However, I made it to the 20 week mark and the bleeding stopped and other than low iron and a GREY complexion due to having lost too much blood (see photo) I started to experience a "normal" pregnancy, complete with bizarre cravings (I was caught licking a wooden chair to see if it tasted as good as it smelled) and big aversions (I couldn't look at a whole lettuce).
The rest of the pregnancy proceeded with no dramas, and we had so much fun organising baby clothes and furniture, going to the birth and parenting classes etc. At 18 weeks we found out our baby was a little girl and we loved being able to refer to her by her real name from that point on - after thinking we had lost her so many times it was amazing to be able to give her a name and know everything was ok!!!
Somewhere around the 34-35 week mark I had some extremely painful contractions out of the blue that were severe enough that I couldn't walk or talk for a few minutes. However they stopped, and the midwife said they were probably just braxton hicks and a good sign, so we thought nothing more of it.
At 36 weeks (14th Oct) Steve and I went along to his work mate's BBQ on a Sat night. I knew no-one there and had that awkward experience of trying to make conversation with complete strangers (not a favourite past time for me). Just as they started cooking the meat I had this sudden feeling that I was leaking - thinking maybe I had lost bladder control as I had heard rumours that that can happen if you are lazy like me and don't bother with your exercises I rushed to the toilet. However, I kept leaking and leaking and realised omg my waters have broken!!!! I put my head out the door and called Steve until finally someone heard me and sent him over. We called the hospital absolutely lost as to what we were supposed to do, and they told us to come in immediately. So... I had to borrow a towel and waddle out of there holding it between my legs (at least I was wearing a skirt I guess lol).
At the hospital they monitored me etc, but I only had very mild contractions which were lessening so labour was not happening. On top of that Chloe wasn't even engaged (cheeky girl!!) which meant a high risk of prolapsed cord (life threatening for our bub) until she engaged. The hospital had a policy based on the most recent research that suggested that women whose waters had broken could be left to hopefully go into natural labour for up to 4 days before the risk of infection increases... so I spent 2 days lying around in hospital waiting (and nothing) at which Chloe decided it was time to engage... and then 2 days of nothing at home!!! (However it gave us time to organise a carseat!!). And the whole 4 days I was leaking water!!!!
18th October found us on our way to hospital for induction - me with a teeny shrunken belly due to having very little water left, and a lot of paranoia about having a seat belt over a now non-insulated belly! But we got there safely and sat in the waiting room watching all the booked in c-sections go in, followed by another induction etc etc. We had to get there at 7 and by 9:30 we were over it and were given permission to head off for morning tea. During this time I was feeling rather unwell, which I put down to a mixture of nerves and the excessively hot thai green curry from the night before (Steve put ALL the paste in not the standard couple of tbsns lol). But then I started to have cramping that was regular with breaks... and realised... ahhhhh.... labour?
We headed back to the waiting room and Steve informed reception. The pain increased very quickly, and was so predictable that Steve thought he would entertain the others in the waiting room by doing a 5-4-3-2-1 count down to each contraction... I didn't find it so funny!!! The contractions meant more water leakage so I was alternating between leaning on Steve's knees and running to the toilet. The pain started to increase more, and was in my back and no matter what position I was in I could not find relief from the pain. It was quite horrible because I was in so much pain, but surrounded by people waiting for inductions etc so felt I had to keep it together. Steve kept going back to the desk but no-one came and checked on me or anything. Steve managed to get a heat pack for me which I used to try to alleviate the back pain - it helped a little but not enough. Eventually somewhere between 12 and 1, after other patients started to become concerned, a midwife tracked down a contraction reader machine and hooked me up to it. After I had been on it for a bit, they came back and checked the readings and decided they better get me a room because I really was legitimately in labour! (I could've flippin told them!!).
I immediately set myself up on the toilet because I just wanted to sit down and focus without worrying about my waters leaking everywhere! The pain was fast becoming excrutiating, and I was struggling to cope as I was not getting much of a break between contractions. The nurse organised the gas for me which I welcomed gratefully... only to hand back after a few goes as now I was not only in pain but I felt like I was going to vomit and I was dizzy!!! The nausea really took the edge off my focus as I was now trying to deal with back pain, front pain and trying not to vomit. A new midwife came in and shifted me to the bed. The next 3-4 hours passed in an intense cycle of 3 minute contraction followed by 1 minute break. I could not find a way of getting comfortable because if I found a position that helped with the back pain the front would be worse and vice versa. Steve was not able to leave my side for even a moment as I NEEDED his hands and support for every second. I will NEVER forget the awful feeling of dread as 3min of pain would end, and within 20 seconds I knew the next wave was only moments away. The midwives marvelled at my contraction readings as I was having "double contractions" due to the posterior position of my bub - 1min of maximum strength, 1min of slightly reduced, 1min of maximum strength and 1 min of rest. Somewhere around 3 I felt the urge to push with each contraction, to the point where I simply could not help it, I HAD to push. The midwife realised and checked to see if I was fully dilated - nope, only 4cm apparently so please don't push!! Now I was really struggling as all my energy went into NOT pushing leaving me with no reserves to deal with the pain. Desperate I asked for an epidural. Time passed and I asked where my epidural was - "Oh, you definitely want one, I'll go order it". Midwife returned and told me 20min. It was then 3:10, so I thought beauty, I only have to get to 3:30. At 4:10 I really cracked it and told the nurse that she said 20 min and it was now AN HOUR!!!! Not too long after the anaesthetist came and gave his long speech about the risks (meantime I'm thinking SHUT UP AND GET THE FLIPPIN THING IN THERE!!!) and finally they hooked me up.
I was finally able to think, Steve was finally allowed a lunch break... but the pain was still there but alternating sides. The midwife tried angling me from side to side for a time, but still no relief, the pain was still there. She had to organise for the anaesthetist to come back... she wasn't in the room when he came so he felt comfortable in telling me that I was obviously already dilated when given the epidural and the midwife mustn't have checked properly (in hindsight I realised that I had been on the bed for several hours without a visit to the loo, probably having a full bladder had been the problem coz baby can't descend!).
So midwife came back and organised for a doctor to come in (who brought a student in to observe). As I began to push Chloe's heart started dropping and the doctor became concerned that (being a first time mum) a long delivery could be dangerous and so was organising to have the suction there just in case... that was all the encouragement I needed, 4 contractions and I had pushed that baby out - I felt NOTHING (ahhhhh the epidural!!!)... until the next day (bad tear AND it was a dry birth due to my waters having been leaking for 4 days prior so lots of grazing).
They pulled my lil bub up onto my hip (she promptly wee'd on me) and then stuck her in my arms. Chloe did not cry or move, just gazed up at me silently with her HUGE eyes and I gazed back at her and I must say that I became an instant believer in love at first sight. The nurse gave her chest a little rub to remind her that she should probably consider taking her first breathe, and without any fuss she obliged. SOOOO her to come quietly into the world without any fuss, just taking it all in and absorbing!!! And THAT is all I remember, anything after that is a blur because all my focus and attention was on her! But I can give you some stats - she was 2.73kg, 46cm and the sweetest lil thing I'd ever seen!
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