I've been thinking over the last few weeks about friendships when you have children and how (in some cases) they can change. I don't know if there is a rule that I don't know of that when you get married and have children you are supposed to put every bit of your energy and attention into them and neglect yourself and your friendships... but it often feels like that is what is expected of me. I love my husband and my children... but funny enough I don't WANT to spend every waking minute of my life with them. Sometimes I want a break and I want to stop being a mum and a wife and just be me! And Steve is fantastic, he likes me to go out with my friends and be without him and the kids on a regular basis because I am then a more refreshed happy and focused mother and wife! But... I have noticed that a lot of friends seem to live with the assumption that I am too busy to hang out? Either that or it is the fact that I have limitations on my time (I have to be back within 4 hours for the next feed) and so I can't do "fun" things like be out partying all night... or worse... I don't actually have many people who WANT to hang out with me anyway... but I'd rather assume it is one of the first 2 options!!!!
Anyway, I've put together some rough stats on the last 5 months (since Sienna was born)... they are subjective in that it is based on MY memory and therefore they could be completely innaccurate... but they are at the very least a good guide to MY perception! (They do not include any family because they are considered by me to be a different category to friendship circles)
Number of friends to visit me in hospital after Sienna was born: 0
Number of friends to visit me at home in the 2 weeks following Sienna's birth: 7
Number of times I have been invited to events which include my husband and/or children: 10-20?
Number of times I have taken the initiative and done all the organising etc to try to catch up with others: approx 10-20?
Number of friends who have organised to catch up with JUST me (not my kids, or husband) for something that they had organised as a group thing: 1
Number of friends who have organised to catch up with JUST me, just because they want to see me or hang out: 1
Number of times friends have actually asked me HOW I am coping with it all? 1
Don't get me wrong, I am not sitting feeling all superior to anyone, and I am not trying to have a go at any one in particular... I know that I am a slack friend who can completely tune out of a conversation instead of listening, who can give REALLY bad advice instead of just listening to someone who wants a bit of empathy etc etc
I have just been thinking about it because I know how crap it can make me feel at times because I am not always feeling secure enough to just brush it all off! And given the numbers of women who suffer from Post-natal Depression I can't help wondering... are we as a community contributing to this by neglecting the social needs of mothers? When you consider that I have been completely open about the fact that with Joshua I had moderately severe post-natal depression... and yet only one person (other than family!) has ever taken the time to find out how I am going this time around... you have to wonder how many women are slipping through the cracks of our society?
I would consider myself someone who has quite a lot of people in her life... yet somehow I don't seem to make it onto a lot of radars... and I KNOW that there are so many women out there who are not anywhere near as immersed in a community... what happens to these women?
Anyway, please understand that I am not writing this to make anyone feel bad, I'm not trying to write this to be all about me... I just want people to stop and think and be aware of the fact that mums have not signed a slip saying "I no longer wish to connect meaningfully with others around me"... if you can remember this as different women around you are going through this stage of life, and try to remember to invite them out, and ask them how they are... maybe we'd have happier mums and therefore happier kids... and therefore a better society all round! Yeah, sometimes the answer will be "No, sorry, I just can't make it this time"... maybe even the answer will be no more times than yes... but at the very least you will be making another woman feel like she is still connected with the rest of her community!
Ps... just in case anyone is actually wondering... I DON'T have PND this time around. I am LOVING being a mum and I am coping really well!!
bethany you are a gem. this is a great idea! and i know that, even though I don't have kids yet, I know friends who do who do become excluded because they have kids and most of their friends still want to go out and party!
ReplyDeletei would be so happy to catch up with someone for 4 hours. it would take pressure off me, as I only have energy for 3 hours! lol!
i'm going to make more effort. this is a big thing for me :) and you inspired me! i noticed that when you suffer from depression/anxiety or anything like that, a similar scenario occurs.
i'm really happy that you don't have PND this time around :)
keep up the great work!
Wow! I hear myself talking in this blog. I wonder how many of us think the same! I know that at times (most of the time) it is easier just to stay at home. That way you don't have to worry about sleeps/food/nappies etc but i guess lots of us are in the same boat.
ReplyDeleteWell done for blogging this.
Ps your girls were very cute in their matching outfits this morning
xoxMel;D
Great post Bethany! True community is very important and I think would go some of the way to help alleviate the feeling of loneliness and being overwhelmed with motherhood.
ReplyDeleteHow i wish we had more MOPS groups on the Peninsula where mums can come together and navigate the joys and challenges of motherhood together. This year we are following the theme "Life on Planet Mum" a down to earth guide to your changing relationships by Lisa Bergren.
ReplyDeleteBut... by the way I believe you are doing a great job, Bethany and I too need to be more discerning and care more.
Oh hun... sorry!! I only didnt come see you in hospital cos she decided to come when I was interstate!! And I do believe we have been to the movies twice (husband and childless) since Sienna was born and I invited u to my bra party and another group movie night that I organized!! :-( so your stats are a little off... But I totally get the sentiment (and that you have also said it may be the perception) and what you are trying to say... and I am sorry that we are not a more community orientated group... I totally agree that we should be more supportive and i will try more from now on!! LOVE YOU!!
ReplyDeleteI included those in my stats!! The first movie I organised, so that came into that 10-20... and the one friend who has organised to catch up with just me was you!!! But my point wasn't really the stats themselves... remembering 5 months worth is not an easy task so I may have missed some stuff in there.
ReplyDeleteThanks Bethany, it's nice to hear someone verbalise how I feel. In my case most of my friends kids are teenagers and are at a different stage, so I think they have forgotten what it is like to be a first time mum who was use to going out a lot and being free. I love being a mum and Velvet is my world. She will be 7 months in a few days and I haven't been without her once. She comes everywhere with me. I also feel if you are use to being the organiser (as I was) with my friends and that is now not as possible, it would be nice for someone else to take that on, but it doesn't seem to be the case. So nothing seems to happen unless I organise it. I didn't join a mothers group as we moved suburbs not longer after Velvet was born and there was no time. Luckily I have a great Mum who loves shopping with us and has been my rock.
ReplyDeleteI bet 9/10 people will read somewat about themselves in that blog!!! i am hearing you with every word. Thank you because now i dont feel alone with those thoughts, a community of wemon thinkin and feeling the same---(but we cant write it so poeticly and understandingly!!!)
ReplyDeleteHey bethy I can totally relate expecially being my age and not even having a husband, I have heaps of support but that's all people that are older than me, no one other than my best friend I hang out with very often and at times it make me feel like poo in myself or make me feel bad for me not making enough of an effort... Love you your amazing and I'm glad that we can definatly be friends...Xxx
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